


Good Omens: Lockdown (my sequel to it)

by Felimid



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:48:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 69,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24422293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Felimid/pseuds/Felimid
Summary: Since I wrote this story as if it were a radio play, there won't be much in the way of description.  What description there is will be found in parenthetical text (which also is where characters' thoughts will be found).  This is still in rough draft form, so there will be mistakes (but I hope not too many).  I plan to go back, once I finish the overall story, and start editing.This sequel basically begins where "Good Omens: Lockdown" ends, though maybe not exactly at that point.  And then (like J.R.R. Tolkien said about the writing of "Lord of the Rings") it grew in the telling.  Often in unexpected directions.I hope it will be funny sometimes, interesting mostly, and thought-provoking mostly.  If you find that you disagree with what I've written, that's really okay.  I don't have a problem with people disagreeing with me.  I only ask that they do it intelligently.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

(someone knocks on bookshop's front door; Aziraphale goes to see who it is; he opens the door)

Aziraphale: "Crowley?"

Crowley: "You were expecting maybe Gabriel?"

Aziraphale: "But the rules, the rules."

Crowley: "When was the last time I was concerned with them? Got a wine-corker somewhere around?"

(they go inside the bookshop and Aziraphale shuts the front door)

Aziraphale: "Right over there. On my desk."

Crowley: "On your -- there's an empty bottle there. Right next to the wine-corker."

Aziraphale: "I got thirsty. All these baked goods. Makes one's throat a bit on the dry side."

Crowley: "Well, this bottle of wine should cure that."

(Crowley pops open the wine bottle)

Crowley: "There you go. Here's your glass. Here's mine. A toast?"

Aziraphale: "To the lockdown!"

Crowley: "Why would I want to toast that?"

Aziraphale: "It brought us together."

Crowley: "So did the Garden of Eden. Oh, fine. To the lockdown."

Aziraphale: "You're not going to get drunk again, are you?"

Crowley: "And if I was? Would you join me in inebriation?"

Aziraphale: "I might. It's nice having company when one has a hangover."

Crowley: "Oh bloody hell, why would an angel want to have a hangover?"

Aziraphale: "I wouldn't. But I did want company. Books are fine. But – it's nice to have someone to talk with."

Crowley: "And this is the same angel who said we weren't on the same side and that we had nothing in common and that he didn't like me."

Aziraphale: "Surely an angel can make mistakes sometimes."

Crowley: "I suppose. You did give away your flaming sword, after all."

Aziraphale: "At least I didn't lose it. Another glass-full, please?"

Crowley: "Certainly."

(Crowley refills their glasses)

Crowley: "So – is there anything else in Agnes Nutter's book or just empty pages after the world was supposed to end?"

Aziraphale: "She mentioned something about the return of Jesus. That he would be like a thief in the night."

Crowley: "Ah. A burglar, then. Might get arrested for breaking-and-entering."

Aziraphale: "Crowley, this is Jesus we're talking about. He wouldn't get arrested."

Crowley: "He did after he threw the money-lenders out of the Temple in Jerusalem."

Aziraphale: "That was different. They shouldn't have been in there in the first place. And with counterfeit currency, to boot."

Crowley: "Maybe you should've defended him when he was put on trial. Might've saved him some time on the cross. I've heard that crucifixion is the only thing worse than Roman taxation laws."

Aziraphale: "Crowley – do be respectful about Jesus."

Crowley: "I'm a fallen angel, Aziraphale. I'm already damned no matter what I do."

Aziraphale: "Maybe there's hope for you yet, then. You did help me stop the end of the world."

Crowley: "I didn't do that for heaven or hell. I did that for you."

Aziraphale: "You did?"

Crowley: "Why else would I have done it? You keep expecting me to be a bastard."

Aziraphale: "And you are one."

Crowley: "My earthly parents were married."

Aziraphale: "Mine weren't."

Crowley: "Didn't that cause any problems in heaven?"

Aziraphale: "They were forgiven."

Crowley: "Next thing you know, papal indulgences will be forgiven. But I guess it's a little too late for that."

Aziraphale: "A little. Crowley, do you have any plans for tomorrow?"

Crowley: "No. What do you have in mind?"

Aziraphale: "I thought we might nip over to the Agnes Nutter Memorial Library."

Crowley: "What library?"

Aziraphale: "It's a very small one."

Crowley: "She only wrote one book."

Aziraphale: "It's the size of a bread box. Look, if you don't want to go, you don't have to."

Crowley: "Lockdown's been pretty boring. All right. I'm in. How do I we get there?"

Aziraphale: "We just shrink your car down to size and –"

Crowley: "You leave my Bentley out of this. It's already been through heaven knows what. Och. I shouldn't have said that. Isn't there some other way to get there?"

Aziraphale: "You could steal a Mini. Shrink us and the car down to size."

Crowley: "Steal a car? In central London? It's bad enough when they boot your car when it's parked illegally."

Aziraphale: "Then we're stuck here, I'm afraid."

Crowley: "I'll steal it, I'll steal it. At least it won't be as boring as sitting around in here. Where's her library, then?"

Aziraphale: "It's inside the British Library."

Crowley: "They'll never allow a car in there."

Aziraphale: "It'll be too small for them to notice. They'll think it's a toy car."

Crowley: "What if some child sees it and picks it up?"

Aziraphale: "A minor inconvenience."

Crowley: "And puts it in their pocket?"

Aziraphale: "That could be problematic."

Crowley: "To say the least. I guess the risk is worth it. I'll find a Mini."

Aziraphale: "I'll be waiting outside the bookshop. Oh, and Crowley?"

Crowley: "Yes, angel?"

Aziraphale: "Do be careful."

Crowley: "I'm always careful."Part 1:

(someone knocks on bookshop's front door; Aziraphale goes to see who it is; he opens the door)

Aziraphale: "Crowley?"

Crowley: "You were expecting maybe Gabriel?"

Aziraphale: "But the rules, the rules."

Crowley: "When was the last time I was concerned with them? Got a wine-corker somewhere around?"

(they go inside the bookshop and Aziraphale shuts the front door)

Aziraphale: "Right over there. On my desk."

Crowley: "On your -- there's an empty bottle there. Right next to the wine-corker."

Aziraphale: "I got thirsty. All these baked goods. Makes one's throat a bit on the dry side."

Crowley: "Well, this bottle of wine should cure that."

(Crowley pops open the wine bottle)

Crowley: "There you go. Here's your glass. Here's mine. A toast?"

Aziraphale: "To the lockdown!"

Crowley: "Why would I want to toast that?"

Aziraphale: "It brought us together."

Crowley: "So did the Garden of Eden. Oh, fine. To the lockdown."

Aziraphale: "You're not going to get drunk again, are you?"

Crowley: "And if I was? Would you join me in inebriation?"

Aziraphale: "I might. It's nice having company when one has a hangover."

Crowley: "Oh bloody hell, why would an angel want to have a hangover?"

Aziraphale: "I wouldn't. But I did want company. Books are fine. But – it's nice to have someone to talk with."

Crowley: "And this is the same angel who said we weren't on the same side and that we had nothing in common and that he didn't like me."

Aziraphale: "Surely an angel can make mistakes sometimes."

Crowley: "I suppose. You did give away your flaming sword, after all."

Aziraphale: "At least I didn't lose it. Another glass-full, please?"

Crowley: "Certainly."

(Crowley refills their glasses)

Crowley: "So – is there anything else in Agnes Nutter's book or just empty pages after the world was supposed to end?"

Aziraphale: "She mentioned something about the return of Jesus. That he would be like a thief in the night."

Crowley: "Ah. A burglar, then. Might get arrested for breaking-and-entering."

Aziraphale: "Crowley, this is Jesus we're talking about. He wouldn't get arrested."

Crowley: "He did after he threw the money-lenders out of the Temple in Jerusalem."

Aziraphale: "That was different. They shouldn't have been in there in the first place. And with counterfeit currency, to boot."

Crowley: "Maybe you should've defended him when he was put on trial. Might've saved him some time on the cross. I've heard that crucifixion is the only thing worse than Roman taxation laws."

Aziraphale: "Crowley – do be respectful about Jesus."

Crowley: "I'm a fallen angel, Aziraphale. I'm already damned no matter what I do."

Aziraphale: "Maybe there's hope for you yet, then. You did help me stop the end of the world."

Crowley: "I didn't do that for heaven or hell. I did that for you."

Aziraphale: "You did?"

Crowley: "Why else would I have done it? You keep expecting me to be a bastard."

Aziraphale: "And you are one."

Crowley: "My earthly parents were married."

Aziraphale: "Mine weren't."

Crowley: "Didn't that cause any problems in heaven?"

Aziraphale: "They were forgiven."

Crowley: "Next thing you know, papal indulgences will be forgiven. But I guess it's a little too late for that."

Aziraphale: "A little. Crowley, do you have any plans for tomorrow?"

Crowley: "No. What do you have in mind?"

Aziraphale: "I thought we might nip over to the Agnes Nutter Memorial Library."

Crowley: "What library?"

Aziraphale: "It's a very small one."

Crowley: "She only wrote one book."

Aziraphale: "It's the size of a bread box. Look, if you don't want to go, you don't have to."

Crowley: "Lockdown's been pretty boring. All right. I'm in. How do I we get there?"

Aziraphale: "We just shrink your car down to size and –"

Crowley: "You leave my Bentley out of this. It's already been through heaven knows what. Och. I shouldn't have said that. Isn't there some other way to get there?"

Aziraphale: "You could steal a Mini. Shrink us and the car down to size."

Crowley: "Steal a car? In central London? It's bad enough when they boot your car when it's parked illegally."

Aziraphale: "Then we're stuck here, I'm afraid."

Crowley: "I'll steal it, I'll steal it. At least it won't be as boring as sitting around in here. Where's her library, then?"

Aziraphale: "It's inside the British Library."

Crowley: "They'll never allow a car in there."

Aziraphale: "It'll be too small for them to notice. They'll think it's a toy car."

Crowley: "What if some child sees it and picks it up?"

Aziraphale: "A minor inconvenience."

Crowley: "And puts it in their pocket?"

Aziraphale: "That could be problematic."

Crowley: "To say the least. I guess the risk is worth it. I'll find a Mini."

Aziraphale: "I'll be waiting outside the bookshop. Oh, and Crowley?"

Crowley: "Yes, angel?"

Aziraphale: "Do be careful."

Crowley: "I'm always careful."


	2. Chapter 2

(Crowley is walking on a sidewalk, looking at the parked cars on both sides of the street)

Crowley: "There's got to be a Mini around here someplace. Doesn't matter if it's an old one or a new one. Any Mini will do. Ah -- there's one, parked next to that foot-bridge."

(walks over to it, notices the man standing on the edge of the foot-bridge)

Crowley: "This your car, then?"

Man: "And what if it is?"

Crowley: "You don't mind if I borrow it?"

Man: "Borrow it? Can't you tell what I'm about to do?"

(Crowley looks over the edge of the foot-bridge, down at the canal below)

Crowley: "Swan dive?"

Man: "Very funny."

Crowley: "If you're going to end it all, you won't be needing your car. Good. That way I don't have to steal it."

Man: "You were going to –"

Crowley: "Look: either jump and step down on this side. Oh, and I'll need the keys. Got them on you?"

Man: "Yes, but –"

Crowley: "Oh, good, good. That way I don't have to hot-wire it. Well? Toss them to me."

Man: "Couldn't you just wait until –"

Crowley: "We're wasting time here. Jump or don't. Take your pick."

Man: "Oh, fine. Here. Just don't –"

(hands over the keys to Crowley)

Crowley: "Thanks. And yes, I'll be careful. I'm not James Bond after all."

Man: "What do you plan to do with it?"

Crowley: "Sneak into the British Museum."

Man: "In a Mini?"

Crowley: "What? You'd rather I used a lorry or a double-decker instead? Stick out like a sore thumb. At least with a Mini no one will notice it."

Man: "Of course they will."

Crowley: "Not if I shrink it down to size. Now -- where do I return it once I'm done with it? Or won't you be needing it anymore?"

Man: "I – oh – er – I suppose where you found it. You won't let it get hurt, will you?"

Crowley: "Thought never crossed my mind. You still planning to –"

Man: "I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe I need to have a drink and reconsider it."

Crowley: "You do that. Ta-ta!"

(gets in the Mini, starts it up, and drives back to Aziraphale's bookshop, where he's waiting outside)

Aziraphale: "I trust it wasn't too difficult, Crowley?"

Crowley: "Not at all. I didn't even have to steal it. The owner's letting me borrow it. Nice chap. So – shall we go, then?"

(Aziraphale looks both ways and nods and gets in)

Aziraphale: "You'll keep the speed down this time, Crowley?"

Crowley: "What's wrong with going ninety in Central London?"

Aziraphale: "Pedestrians."

Crowley: "About as useful in the street as speed-bumps. They should keep to the sidewalks. Safer there. All right. Allons-y!"

(Crowley puts the car in first gear and hits the gas pedal; the car squeals its tires and speeds down the street)

Crowley: "Driving in London is like skiing on a slalom course, angel. As long as you go through each gate, you're fine."

Aziraphale: "At least we don't have to deal with rush hour traffic during lockdown. Streets should be practically deserted."

Crowley: "And if they aren't?"

Aziraphale: "You'll try to miss them?"

Crowley: "Only if they don't get in the way."

(they drive across London and pull up in front of the British Library)

Crowley: "Here we are, angel. Anybody watching?"

(Aziraphale closes his eyes and presses a forefinger against each temple)

Aziraphale: "No one."

Crowley: "Time to downsize, then."

(the Mini shrinks down until it's small enough to fit under the front doors of the British Library)

Crowley: "Now as long as no one mistakes us for a toy, we should be fine."

(the Mini drives under the doors, which look like building exteriors now)

(inside there are several giant-sized visitors – and at least one security guard)

Crowley: "Coast seems to be clear enough. Now where would they store a breadbox? In the 17th Century texts section?"

Aziraphale: "Probably somewhere where it wouldn't be too obvious."

Crowley: "That could be anywhere, angel."

(then pauses and they stare at each other and both exclaim at the same time)

Both: "The kitchen!"

Aziraphale: "The Terrace Restaurant is on the First Floor."

Crowley: "So we need a lift or an escalator. There's an escalator over there."

(they're about halfway there when something huge and dark blocks their way)

Crowley: "Where the devil did that come from?"

A voice from above them speaks: "Hello, Crowley. Fancy meeting you here."

(Crowley leans out of the driver's side window and looks up)

Crowley: "Hastur!"

Hastur: "You've avoided punishment long enough, Crowley. I intend to take care of this personally."

Crowley: "Couldn't we wait a bit? We're in a bit of a hurry. Or you could come with us. Plenty of room in the backseat."

Hastur: "Don't try to evade the issue, Crowley. I'm going to –"

A woman's voice calls over to them: "Oh, there it is! My son lost his toy car and you've found it. Thank you so very much, officer."

(a giant-sized woman's hand reaches down and picks up the Mini)

Hastur: "Madam, this is not a –"

Woman's voice: "Here, Adam. Now don't you dare lose it again."

(hands the Mini to a boy's hand)

Adam: "Yes, Mum. I'm sorry. I thought I'd left it at home."

Woman's voice: "No harm done. Thank you again, officer."

Hastur: "Madam, I –"

(but Hastur is quickly left behind and soon they're inside a large room that seems to be traveling upward)

(a large eye looks into the Mini)

Adam: "You all right in there?"

Crowley: "We're fine! But what are you both doing here?"

Anathema (the woman): "Following one of Agnes Nutter's prophecies. She said to come to the Library where we'd meet up with two old friends."

Aziraphale: "Well, we're definitely old friends, Crowley."

Crowley: "Six thousand years, angel. Can't get much older than that."

(the room's doors open and it's like looking across a huge train station; behind them is a very large lift)

Anathema: "And the next prophecy says something about a kitchen and a breadbox. Care to explain?"

Aziraphale: "We're looking for the Agnes Nutter Memorial Library. It's supposed to be hidden inside a breadbox at this Library."

Anathema: "But she only wrote one book."

Crowley: "That's what I told him. But he still insisted we come here."

Adam: "That security guard is coming this way. I think we'd better hurry to wherever that kitchen is."

Aziraphale: "It's in the Terrace Restaurant."

Adam: "We'd better get a move on, then."


	3. Chapter 3

(they're almost at the restaurant when Adam speaks; his voice is deeper than usual)

Adam/unknown voice: “Crowley – whatever you and your friends are up to, you won't succeed.”

Anathema: “What did you say, Adam?”

Adam speaks/unknown voice: “The boy is under my control.”

(Crowley looks around Adam's huge fingers and up at Adam's face; Adam's eyes are completely black)

Crowley: “I guess what works for you, Aziraphale, can work for Hastur as well. I hadn't planned on that.”

Aziraphale: “If only we could get Adam to release us. Ah. I have it."

(Aziraphale pulls the Sword – flameless – out of his pocket)

Aziraphale: “Amazing what a real magician can do. Now, then. Just a little pain should do the trick.”

(Aziraphale pokes the Sword out of the passenger-side window; it bursts into flames moments before he jabs it into Adam's thumb)

(Adam screams in pain)

Adam/normal voice: “Ow! That hurts!”

Adam/Hastur: “No, no! Don't drop it! Don't throw it! I'm in control and –“

(Adam throws the toy Mini into the air, not caring which direction it goes in; as he does so, Aziraphale snuffs out the Sword's flames and pulls the Sword back into the car; by dumb luck, the toy Mini falls right into Anathema's hands)

Anathema: “Got you! It won't win me any Cricket matches but it'll do.”

Aziraphale (to Adam/Hastur): “Perhaps we could, ah, come to an agreement?”

Adam/Hastur: “Just hand over the car and its occupants and I'll release the boy.”

Anathema to Adam/Hastur: “And if I don't?”

Adam/Hastur: “You'll never see the boy again. At least, not on Earth.”

Anathema: “You wouldn't dare hurt him. He's just a boy.”

Adam/Hastur: “A boy who used to be the Antichrist. And yes, I would. Just think what I could tempt him with if I were to take him to … Hell. What unearthly delights he would experience. A season's pass to the San Souci. Before you knew it, he'd be almost like Crowley.”

Aziraphale to Crowley: “I do believe he's serious about this.”

Crowley nods: “He might not know any Italian, but when he's serious, he's serious. He isn't known as the Dogstar of Hell for nothing, you know.”

Aziraphale to Crowley: “Is there anything we can do? This is rather more on your level, though. We would never dare do anything alike this in heaven.”

Crowley to Aziraphale: “Gabriel tried to burn you to death.”

Aziraphale to Crowley: “That was merely a misunderstanding. He didn't know you and I had switched places.”

Adam/Hastur: “Enough. The boy for Crowley. Or I take the boy back to Hell with me.”

Crowley thinks fast; to Aziraphale: “I have an idea. And it just might work.”

Aziraphale to Crowley: “Will it save the boy?”

Crowley to Aziraphale: “Not initially. But it might give him a chance.”

Aziraphale to Crowley: “Do it. I don't care what it is. Just as long as Adam doesn't go to Hell with Hastur.”

Crowley to Aziraphale: “All right, but remember: I didn't promise that I'd prevent that from happening.”

Aziraphale to Crowley: “What? No, no, Crowley. Absolutely not. You are not to sacrifice yourself.”

Crowley to Aziraphale: “Not planning to sacrifice myself. Just planning to give Adam some leverage. After all, I've been to Hell; he hasn't.”

Crowley to Adam/Hastur: “Take him. The boy is yours.”

(Anathema stares at the toy car)

Anathema to Crowley: “What? Are you out of your mind, Crowley?”

Crowley to Adam/Hastur: “You heard me. Take him.”

Adam/Hastur: “With pleasure.”

(As they're about to disappear, Crowley transforms himself into a fly, flies over to Adam's huge left leg, and grabs onto his pants-leg; then Crowley and Adam/Hastur disappear)

(Aziraphale looks at the empty driver's seat)

Aziraphale: “Oh my. I wasn't expecting that. I do hope he knows what he's doing.”

Anathema: “How could he do that? How could he let Hastur take Adam to Hell?”

Aziraphale: “I trust Crowley. Whatever he plans to do, I trust him.”

Anathema: “Just please tell me he isn't going to do anything daft.”

Aziraphale: “Crazy he might be at times, but he isn't thick. All right. I believe we have a breadbox to retrieve from the restaurant's kitchen, and then we need to return to my bookshop post-haste.”


	4. Chapter 4

(they reach the Terrace Restaurant, but the counter where orders are made has a metal shutter pulled down, closing it off)

Aziraphale: “It's closed? When the Library is open?”

Anathema: “There's a note on the outside. It says: 'Out to lunch. Come back tomorrow.' ”

Aziraphale: “But why would –”

Anathema: “Maybe we aren't supposed to take it literally? In America, we have the saying 'bats in the belfry'.”

Aziraphale: “Interesting metaphor. In England, we would probably say 'a couple sandwiches short of a picnic' or –”

Anathema: “ 'Out to lunch'?”

Aziraphale: “I think this requires my full-size participation.”

(the Mini grows to normal size and Aziraphale steps out of it)

Aziraphale: “Ah. That's better. I'm really not in favor of being smaller than a mouse except when absolutely necessary. Now for that metal shutter.”

(Aziraphale sweeps his hand up along its exterior; the metal shutter immediately lifts upward and into the slot above the counter; he and Anathema can now see a restaurant employee behind it, looking at them wide-eyed; the employee is trembling and looking as if they'd rather be anywhere but where they are)

Employee: “What – how did you do that?”

Aziraphale: “A minor miracle.”

Employee: “What are you doing here? We're closed today.”

Aziraphale: “We came to collect something that seemed most likely to be in your establishment.”

Employee: “What would that be?”

Aziraphale: “A breadbox.”

Employee: “A what?”

Aziraphale: “A breadbox. Surely you know what one looks like. Shall I describe one for you?”

(employee shakes their head)

Employee: “No. No need. I think this is what you mean.”

(employee reaches under the counter and places a breadbox on the counter)

Aziraphale: “Excellent. Thank you, my dear chap. You've been most helpful.”

Employee: “You can have it. If I never see it again, it won't be too soon.”

Aziraphale: “I'm not sure I understand.”

Employee: “It's haunted.”

Aziraphale: “Haunted? Breadboxes aren't haunted.”

Employee: “That one is. It talks.”

Anathema: “Talks? What do you mean?”

Employee: “Look, lady, do I have to spell it out for you? The bloody thing talks. It wasn't so bad at first. I'd hear some humming. Then some singing. Then some laughter. And then it talked. Like it was reading a book or something.”

(Anathema and Aziraphale look at each other)

Anathema: “A woman's voice?”

Employee: “That's right. Deeper than yours.”

Anathema: “Did she say what her name was?”

(employee pushes the breadbox toward Anathema and Aziraphale)

Employee: “I never asked. Look. Just please take the bloody thing away from here. I never want to see it again, much less listen to it.”

Aziraphale: “Consider it done. And I'm sorry for anything it put you through.”

(employee just looks at the breadbox, presses something under the counter and the metal shutter slides back down again)

Aziraphale: “Agnes Nutter's Memorial Library. You don't think –”

Anathema: “It could be her ghost? Haunting this breadbox?”

Aziraphale: “I wish we were back at my bookshop. There must be something in her book of nice and accurate prophecies that discusses this breadbox.”

(they both hear a woman's voice chuckling inside the breadbox)

Anathema: “I wonder. Would it possible that this breadbox survived the destruction of her house?”

(they both hear more chuckling from inside the breadbox)

Aziraphale: “I think we'd better continue this discussion at my bookshop.”

(they get into the Mini, Anathema on the driver's side since she knows how to drive and Aziraphale doesn't; Aziraphale shrinks the car back to toy-size; Anathema drives the Mini to the down-escalator and they ride it down to the ground floor; then she drives the Mini to the Library's exit doorway and under the doors; Aziraphale unshrinks the Mini and Anathema drives it to the bookshop)

Aziraphale: “We're supposed to return the car to its owner. Crowley mentioned a foot-bridge near here.”

Anathema: “Maybe that can wait until Crowley returns? If he returns, I mean?”

Aziraphale: “O ye of little faith. He will return.”

Anathema: “I wish I had your level of confidence.”

Aziraphale: “Born of a familiarity gained over the course of 6,000 years.”

Anathema: “What do we do with the car until then?”

Aziraphale: “There is a small car-park behind the bookshop. Enough space for two cars. It's only about twenty or so feet from there to the rear entrance of the bookshop.”

Anathema: “Consider it done.”

(the Mini is parked and they enter the bookshop; it looks much the same as it did roughly an hour or so before; the baked goods that Aziraphale made earlier are still on his desk, as is the open wine bottle and two mostly empty wineglasses near it; he moves the baked goods, bottle, and glasses to a nearby table; Anathema puts the breadbox on the desk; Aziraphale opens the desk's only drawer, sliding it out from beneath the top of the desk; there is one book inside the drawer and he takes it, then slides the drawer shut again)

Aziraphale: “Here we are, Anathema. Safe and sound.”

Anathema: “There was an empty page at the end of her book. Agnes probably hadn't had time to write on it before she was marched out to be burst at the stake.”

(Aziraphale opens the book to the last page; it's decided not blank)

Aziraphale: “Empty page? It certainly seems full enough to me.”

Anathema: “How is that possible?”

(they hear chuckling again coming from inside the breadbox)

Aziraphale: “Perhaps the breadbox holds the answer to your question.”

Anathema: “You're not afraid of what's inside it?”

Aziraphale: “I've been discorporated. I've almost been burned in a column fire in heaven. Surely there's nothing to fear from an inanimate breadbox?”

Anathema: “That chuckles.”

Aziraphale: “I doubt that the breadbox is the source of the chuckling.”

(Aziraphale carefully opens the breadbox; at first it seems to be empty inside, and then they both can see a pamphlet)

Anathema: “A pamphlet that chuckles?”

Aziraphale: “Either that – or the ghost of your ancestress never left this earth. In which case, most likely she would've chosen an unsuspecting place to hide in. And what would be more unsuspecting than a breadbox?”

Agnes Nutter's voice: “Well, it was either that or a butter-churn. Which would you have chosen?”  
(they reach the Terrace Restaurant, but the counter where orders are made has a metal shutter pulled down, closing it off)

Aziraphale: “It's closed? When the Library is open?”

Anathema: “There's a note on the outside. It says: 'Out to lunch. Come back tomorrow.' ”

Aziraphale: “But why would –”

Anathema: “Maybe we aren't supposed to take it literally? In America, we have the saying 'bats in the belfry'.”

Aziraphale: “Interesting metaphor. In England, we would probably say 'a couple sandwiches short of a picnic' or –”

Anathema: “ 'Out to lunch'?”

Aziraphale: “I think this requires my full-size participation.”

(the Mini grows to normal size and Aziraphale steps out of it)

Aziraphale: “Ah. That's better. I'm really not in favor of being smaller than a mouse except when absolutely necessary. Now for that metal shutter.”

(Aziraphale sweeps his hand up along its exterior; the metal shutter immediately lifts upward and into the slot above the counter; he and Anathema can now see a restaurant employee behind it, looking at them wide-eyed; the employee is trembling and looking as if they'd rather be anywhere but where they are)

Employee: “What – how did you do that?”

Aziraphale: “A minor miracle.”

Employee: “What are you doing here? We're closed today.”

Aziraphale: “We came to collect something that seemed most likely to be in your establishment.”

Employee: “What would that be?”

Aziraphale: “A breadbox.”

Employee: “A what?”

Aziraphale: “A breadbox. Surely you know what one looks like. Shall I describe one for you?”

(employee shakes their head)

Employee: “No. No need. I think this is what you mean.”

(employee reaches under the counter and places a breadbox on the counter)

Aziraphale: “Excellent. Thank you, my dear chap. You've been most helpful.”

Employee: “You can have it. If I never see it again, it won't be too soon.”

Aziraphale: “I'm not sure I understand.”

Employee: “It's haunted.”

Aziraphale: “Haunted? Breadboxes aren't haunted.”

Employee: “That one is. It talks.”

Anathema: “Talks? What do you mean?”

Employee: “Look, lady, do I have to spell it out for you? The bloody thing talks. It wasn't so bad at first. I'd hear some humming. Then some singing. Then some laughter. And then it talked. Like it was reading a book or something.”

(Anathema and Aziraphale look at each other)

Anathema: “A woman's voice?”

Employee: “That's right. Deeper than yours.”

Anathema: “Did she say what her name was?”

(employee pushes the breadbox toward Anathema and Aziraphale)

Employee: “I never asked. Look. Just please take the bloody thing away from here. I never want to see it again, much less listen to it.”

Aziraphale: “Consider it done. And I'm sorry for anything it put you through.”

(employee just looks at the breadbox, presses something under the counter and the metal shutter slides back down again)

Aziraphale: “Agnes Nutter's Memorial Library. You don't think –”

Anathema: “It could be her ghost? Haunting this breadbox?”

Aziraphale: “I wish we were back at my bookshop. There must be something in her book of nice and accurate prophecies that discusses this breadbox.”

(they both hear a woman's voice chuckling inside the breadbox)

Anathema: “I wonder. Would it possible that this breadbox survived the destruction of her house?”

(they both hear more chuckling from inside the breadbox)

Aziraphale: “I think we'd better continue this discussion at my bookshop.”

(they get into the Mini, Anathema on the driver's side since she knows how to drive and Aziraphale doesn't; Aziraphale shrinks the car back to toy-size; Anathema drives the Mini to the down-escalator and they ride it down to the ground floor; then she drives the Mini to the Library's exit doorway and under the doors; Aziraphale unshrinks the Mini and Anathema drives it to the bookshop)

Aziraphale: “We're supposed to return the car to its owner. Crowley mentioned a foot-bridge near here.”

Anathema: “Maybe that can wait until Crowley returns? If he returns, I mean?”

Aziraphale: “O ye of little faith. He will return.”

Anathema: “I wish I had your level of confidence.”

Aziraphale: “Born of a familiarity gained over the course of 6,000 years.”

Anathema: “What do we do with the car until then?”

Aziraphale: “There is a small car-park behind the bookshop. Enough space for two cars. It's only about twenty or so feet from there to the rear entrance of the bookshop.”

Anathema: “Consider it done.”

(the Mini is parked and they enter the bookshop; it looks much the same as it did roughly an hour or so before; the baked goods that Aziraphale made earlier are still on his desk, as is the open wine bottle and two mostly empty wineglasses near it; he moves the baked goods, bottle, and glasses to a nearby table; Anathema puts the breadbox on the desk; Aziraphale opens the desk's only drawer, sliding it out from beneath the top of the desk; there is one book inside the drawer and he takes it, then slides the drawer shut again)

Aziraphale: “Here we are, Anathema. Safe and sound.”

Anathema: “There was an empty page at the end of her book. Agnes probably hadn't had time to write on it before she was marched out to be burst at the stake.”

(Aziraphale opens the book to the last page; it's decided not blank)

Aziraphale: “Empty page? It certainly seems full enough to me.”

Anathema: “How is that possible?”

(they hear chuckling again coming from inside the breadbox)

Aziraphale: “Perhaps the breadbox holds the answer to your question.”

Anathema: “You're not afraid of what's inside it?”

Aziraphale: “I've been discorporated. I've almost been burned in a column fire in heaven. Surely there's nothing to fear from an inanimate breadbox?”

Anathema: “That chuckles.”

Aziraphale: “I doubt that the breadbox is the source of the chuckling.”

(Aziraphale carefully opens the breadbox; at first it seems to be empty inside, and then they both can see a pamphlet)

Anathema: “A pamphlet that chuckles?”

Aziraphale: “Either that – or the ghost of your ancestress never left this earth. In which case, most likely she would've chosen an unsuspecting place to hide in. And what would be more unsuspecting than a breadbox?”

Agnes Nutter's voice: “Well, it was either that or a butter-churn. Which would you have chosen?”


	5. Chapter 5

(Adam/Hastur arrive in Hell, enter through the gates, and stand facing Hell's Vestibule; Crowley-the-fly detaches from Adam's pants-leg and flies up to Adam's ear, hiding behind it; the Pit is so gigantic that you can't see the edge of this layer of Hell, much less the next layer down; the sky is a mixture of red and black, except where there are flashes of lightning; there is a “river” of molten lava flowing in a jagged, uneven line toward the “horizon”; volcanoes erupt, sending lava, rocks, and clouds of smoke into the air; there is a constant smell of sulfur and brimstone)

(Hastur separates from Adam; the former is about two or three feet taller than the latter; the former has blood-red skin, black eyes, bear-like ears, a long tail with a fork at the end, and carries a pitchfork)

Adam: “Phew. It smells like rotten eggs.”

Hastur: “Welcome to Hell. A far better place than Earth or – or – the other place.”

Adam: “You mean heaven?”

Hastur: “Yes.”

Adam: “Why can't you say it? Is there some rule against it?”

Hastur: “It hurts each time a damned being mentions – that other place or anything to do with it.”

Adam: “Nice to know that you're not impervious. In any case, you can't keep me here, Hastur. I'm going home.”

(Adam tries to send himself away from Hell, but nothing happens; Hastur laughs)

Hastur: “That won't work here, Adam. A different set of rules applies. The infernal rules. Otherwise known as Satan's rules. If Crowley hadn't been so difficult, it would've been him here, instead of you. Still, I have one of you, and that will do very well indeed. Provided that Lord Satan approves.”

Adam: “And if he doesn't? What if he wants Crowley as well?”

(Hastur doesn't like having to deal with or mention Crowley; the Duke and the demon have never liked each other; not in 6,000 years; Crowley has broken all the infernal rules that he could break; Hastur, on the other hand, has tried to abide by the infernal rules as much as possible; not an easy thing to do while on earth, but they weren't on earth anymore)

Hastur: “We are not here to discuss that demon, Adam. We are here to show you what you could've been – and still could be – had you returned to Hell with Lord Satan, rather than remaining on earth with your earthly father.”

Adam: “I'm not interested.”

Hastur: “Not yet.”

(Hastur escorts Adam away from the gates of Hell; there are several “avenues” leading away from the gates; it looks more like a city than the village of Lower Tadfield where Adam grew up in; rather than a calm, peaceful village, the Vestibule is like a madhouse)

(Crowley remembers this when he was first a Fallen Angel, all those thousands of years ago; it almost made him regret what he had said and done in heaven until the day when Gabriel and Michael hurled him from heaven; still, he found that, warts and all, not having to deal with Gabriel and Michael on a daily basis was definitely an advantage; being damned for all eternity wasn't nearly as terrible as Crowley had been led to believe)

(the Vestibule's buildings, homes, and what looked suspiciously like churches, looked as if they had been through a major war; heavily damaged; piles of rubble; melted windows and doors; there were even a few fountains here and there, but they were empty, filled with piles of dust)

Adam: “This looks terrible. Why would anyone want to live here?”

Hastur: “They made their choices. These are the consequences.”

(except when they're tempted, Crowley thought; when they think, believe, and do what they would normally not think believe, and do; and even the mild temptations – if submitted to – could cause the sufferer to spend at least part of their Afterlife here in Hell; unless, of course, you were able to confess your sins on your deathbed; then you were a shoo-in to the other place; but not everyone got that chance, even if they'd wanted it; some ended up down here even if they didn't really belong here; he had seen plenty of them over the last 6,000 years, when he wasn't on earth; was there any way to free them, so that they could at least go to Purgatory first, if not directly to the other place?)

Adam: “Does it get any worse?”

Hastur: “Far worse. But, for those of us who wish to be here, it gets better. And at the very bottom of the Pit lies the Throne of Satan.”

Adam: “Is there any way to escape it? Permanently escape it?”

Hastur: “And why would you wish to? You can have anything you want here in Hell. Anything at all.”

Adam: “I want to go home.”

Hastur: “Except that.”

(he points to a small group of children, dressed in rags, fighting amongst themselves; then they see Hastur and Adam and rush over to them)

Hastur: “There are even children like yourself here.”

Adam: “They don't look anything like me. Or my friends in Lower Tadfield.”

Hastur: “On the contrary. Look at them more closely.”

(Adam does so; and is surprised to see one of them – a girl – looking familiar; it couldn't be her, could it? No, she couldn't be down here. Not her.)

Hastur: “Sweetie, meet Adam. He's new here.”

Girl: “Hello, Adam. You can call me Pepper.”

Adam: “No. No! Absolutely not! You are not Pepper!”

(the girl looks sadly at him; as she does so, she looks prettier and prettier; her rags turn into a pretty dress; on her feet are pretty sandals)

Girl: “Don't you want me to be?”

Adam: “No, I don't. She's on earth, not here in Hell.”

Girl: “But you're here, not there. Couldn't we be friends for the time being?”

Hastur: “I would accept her offer, Adam. Friendship is almost nonexistent in Hell.”

(No kidding, Crowley thinks. If there's a lack in trust, a lack in faith, a lack in compassion, a lack in tolerance, a lack in acceptance, and a lack in love, how could friendship ever exist?)

(an echo of Aziraphale's voice in Crowley's mind asks: “But aren't we friends?”)

(That's different, Crowley replies. We weren't friends here in Hell. We were friends – are friends – on earth.)

(“Oh, Crowley,” Aziraphale says sadly. “And I thought you had learned so much on earth. Perhaps not as much as I thought after all. Well, there's always room for improvement.”)

Adam: “Temptation isn't friendship. This isn't real.”

Hastur: “Oh, it's all quite real. You'll find out how real it really is.”

Adam to Girl: “I'm sorry, but no. If you really were Pepper, I probably would say yes.”

Girl: “I wish I was her. She must be a wonderful girl.”

Adam: “Yes. Yes, she is. I wish I could introduce you to each other.”

Girl: “But unfortunately you can't – unless she came down here. Good-bye, Adam. It was nice meeting you.”

(the girl walks away, rejoins her friends; suddenly she isn't anything like Pepper; she's dressed in rags again, and back to being just as violent, unkind, etc. as her friends are)

Adam to Hastur: “What if I had said 'yes' to her? Would you have released her from Hell?”

Hastur: “Perhaps. But it's too late now. You made your choice and you have to live with it.”

(Adam, don't believe anything that Hastur says, Crowley thought; he'd promise you the Sun and the Moon, only to take them away from you once you agreed to his deal; there is no truth in Hell; or if there is, it's almost impossible to find, and usually gets snuffed out once it's been discovered and the perpetrator punished)

Adam: “Where are we going next?”

Hastur: “Limbo. Watch your step.”

(they walk down a stairway; up ahead, Adam thinks he sees trees; but are there trees in Hell?)


	6. Chapter 6

(a ghostly woman's face appears above the breadbox)

Aziraphale: “Agnes Nutter, I believe?”

(Agnes Nutter nods)

Agnes: “So – you found it, then? Good. Did you find the pamphlet as well?”

(Aziraphale shows it to her)

Agnes: “I managed to hide it after I finished my book of nice and accurate prophecies. I couldn't afford to let anyone find it prematurely.”

Aziraphale: “It would've been safe enough in your book. After all, your book survived over three hundred years of human history, as well as the burning of my bookshop. In fact, it was the only book that survived. it.”

(Agnes looks around herself)

Agnes: “Looks just fine to me.”

Aziraphale: “It was restored. Not quite to what it was before the fire, but close enough.”

Agnes: “Better be more careful next time, then. My book may be fireproof, but there's no guarantee that the same is true for my pamphlet.”

Aziraphale: “Understood. We'll be careful.”

Agnes: “Do. I don't give out advice – or prophecies – for no good reason.”

Anathema: “Speaking of which, why didn't you want someone to find your pamphlet prematurely?”

Agnes: “The End of the World was the least of your worries. As long as Heaven and Hell were distracted by it, they wouldn't try to prevent what will happen next.”

Aziraphale: “The return of Jesus, you mean.”

(Agnes nods)

Agnes: “You wouldn't believe how difficult it was to hide what I knew of it from prying eyes. If I could've protected it by building a wall around it, I would've. But if someone used gunpowder and nails like I did when I was being burnt at the stake, that wall might not have been enough protection. So I created a pamphlet and added the further prophecies to it. Then I had to find somewhere to hide the pamphlet. It needed to be well-hidden, but not lost. When the time came, it needed to be found. In my time, a breadbox seemed like the best idea. Who would think to look for a pamphlet there? They'd expect a loaf of bread instead.”

Aziraphale: “And you hid yourself with it.”

Agnes: “It seemed like the best course of action. I figured that one day one of my descendants would read my book and use the clues I provided to help them find the breadbox.”

Anathema: “I didn't do it alone. Aziraphale helped. And his friend Crowley.”

(Agnes stares at her)

Agnes: “Crowley, did you say?”

(Anathema nods)

Anathema: “Is that a problem?”

Agnes: “The help of an angel can do no harm. But the help of a demon? A trouble-maker?”

Aziraphale: “He's improved. He's better than he was at the Garden of Eden. Much better.”

Agnes: “But he's still a demon. You can't trust them.”

Aziraphale: “Perhaps not all of them. But I trust Crowley.”

Agnes: “Then you're a fool. He'll only lead you into trouble.”

Aziraphale: “I disagree. He and I are friends. He would never betray me.”

Agnes: “Where is this friend of yours, then? Bring him to me.”

Aziraphale: “Ah. He's not here right now. He's somewhere else.”

Agnes: “Out with it, angel. I'm in no mood for a roundabout.”

Aziraphale: “Ah. Well, you see.”

Agnes: “Yes?”

Aziraphale: “He's in Hell right now.”

(Agnes frowns at him)

Agnes: “Open my pamphlet. The first prophecy.”

(Aziraphale opens the pamphlet to the first page and reads from it)

Aziraphale: “And a demon shall allow a devil to capture a child and descend with it. And the demon shall go with them.”

Anathema: “If only we had known –”

(Agnes sighs heavily)

Agnes: “I go to all this trouble of forewarning you all, and you waste my efforts.”

Anathema: “But we hadn't found the breadbox by then. You can't blame us for Hastur's interference.”

Agnes: “Can't I?”

(she pauses)

Agnes: “Hastur, you say?”

(Anathema and Aziraphale nod)

(Agnes looks thoughtful, then turns back to Aziraphale)

Agnes: “Read the second prophecy.”

Aziraphale: “And my descendant and the witch-hunter's descendant shall help the angel.”

Anathema: “Newt? He's supposed to get involved in this?”

Agnes: “You know him?”

(Anathema looks uncomfortable)

Anathema: “One of your prophecies mentioned that we were supposed to sleep with each other for one night. And we did.”

Agnes: “Then what seems to be the problem?”

(Anathema avoids looking at both Agnes and Aziraphale)

Anathema: “I think I'm pregnant. Or, as you used to say, with child.”

(Agnes stares)

Agnes: “Are you absolutely certain?”

Anathema: “I was supposed to see the doctor today. Get tested. But I read one of your prophecies and went to Lower Tadfield first, picked up Adam, and then we went to the British Library. To meet Aziraphale and Crowley.”

(Aziraphale gestures with one hand toward Anathema's abdomen)

Aziraphale: “If I may?”

(Anathema nods)

(Aziraphale lays the palm of his hand on her abdomen)

Aziraphale: “You are definitely pregnant. A healthy baby boy. My congratulations.”

Agnes: “Before you both decide to celebrate – Aziraphale, read the next prophecy.”

Aziraphale: “And a babe shall be born from the union of my descendant and the witch-hunter's descendant. And they will name him Joshua.”

Agnes: “I would tell this young man of yours – Newt is his name? – that he is going to be a father one day.”

Anathema: “But there's no time – or is there?”

Agnes: “The End of the World was avoided. There is plenty of time.”

Anathema: “Let me call him, then. He'll be so excited.”

Agnes: “Or perhaps he won't be. Not all men aspire to be fathers.”

(Anathema takes her cell-phone out of her pants pocket and dials Newt's number)

Male voice: “Hullo?”

Anathema: “Newt? It's Anathema.”

Newt: “Is everything all right? I thought you were going to the doctor's office.”

Anathema: “I was. There was a change in plan. I read another of Agnes Nutter's prophecies. So I went to Lower Tadfield and the British Museum instead.”

Newt: “Where are you?”

Anathema: “I'm at Aziraphale's bookshop in Soho.”

Newt: “I'll meet you there.”

Anathema: “I'm not alone. Aziraphale is here.”

Newt: “All right.”

Anathema: “And so is Agnes Nutter. Her ghost, I mean.”

Newt: “Oh. I wasn't expecting that. Anything else I need to know?”

Anathema: “You're going to be a father.”

(silence on the phone)

Anathema: “Newt? Are you still there?”

Newt: “I'm still here.”

Anathema: “I said –”

Newt: “I heard you the first time.”

Anathema: “But aren't you excited? We're going to have a baby boy.”

(silence again on the phone)

Anathema: “Newt?”

Newt: “I'm here. Anything else?”

Anathema: “We're going to name him Joshua. Isn't that wonderful?”

(silence again on the phone)

Anathema: “Newt? What's wrong, Newt?”

Newt: “I'm here. Nothing's wrong. Just overwhelmed is all. I'm guessing that Agnes Nutter predicted all this?”

Anathema: “Yes, she did. Please say you're not upset about it.”

Newt: “I'm not.”

Anathema: “Are you still coming, then?”

Newt: “Yes. I'll be there as soon as I can.”


	7. Chapter 7

(Adam and Hastur descend the stairway to Limbo)

Adam: “I suppose … I suppose that Crowley has been down here?”

Hastur: “Oh yes. Well, not recently. He spends most of his time on Earth. So much so that it's the general consensus here in Hell that he's been infected by being around humans too much.”

Adam: “Infected? Is that what you call it here in Hell?”

Hastur: “Not just here but – in the other place.”

Adam: “And you think that it's a bad idea?”

Hastur: “Of course. It interferes with doing one's job.”

Adam: “In what sort of way?”

Hastur: “Take Crowley for example.”

Adam: “What about him?”

Hastur: “Crowley was a fine demon before he was assigned to cause trouble on Earth. One of the best, really. He could tempt a snake into buying a pair of shoes or suspenders. He could sell nudes to a convent. It was one of the reasons we thought that there would be no harm in sending him to the Garden of Eden to tempt your namesake and Eve. A simple, straightforward mission. You didn't think that Eve went to the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and plucked an apple off of it of her own freewill, did you?”

Adam: “It certainly seems to have caused some controversy. Some blame her for doing it; some blame Satan for tempting her into doing it.”

Hastur: “Delicious, isn't it? Sowing doubt among the mortals. Such a gullible species. And little do they realize that it wasn't Lord Satan at all. It was Crowley.”

Adam: “I guess if they knew, they'd have to rewrite and reprint millions of copies of The Bible.”

Hastur: “It just keeps getting better, doesn't it?”

(It reminds Hastur of something Crowley said when they were in Crowley's car on the M25 the day that there was a wall of fire all along the M25; instead of doing the sensible thing, Crowley drove his car right into the flames, forcing Hastur to discorporate; and Crowley, damn him, kept right on going through the flames and into the clear again; and all while playing that dreadful music that he enjoyed listening to so much; what a relief that cars were forbidden in Hell; the last thing Hastur wanted to see was Crowley driving his car through Hell, waving nonchalantly at anyone watching him drive past)

Adam: “Depends on your point of view, I guess. So what happened next?”

Hastur: “Instead of returning to Hell, Crowley stayed on Earth.”

Adam: “And that caused some problems?”

Hastur: “To say the very least.”

Hastur: “We've theorized that it was probably due to his encounter with that infernal – infernal being – on top of the wall around the Garden.”

Adam: “You mean Aziraphale.”

(Hastur frowns; there's a bit of smoke rising from his horns)

Hastur: “I know who I mean. Under no circumstances was he to fraternize with the other side. He understood that before being sent to the Garden. And still he went and did it.”

Adam: “Maybe he liked it better there than here.”

(Hastur's horns are smoking even more now; he narrows his eyes at Adam)

Hastur: “There – is – nothing – wrong – with – being – in – Hell. Is that understood?”

Adam: “To each their own. I'd rather be in Lower Tadfield with my parents and my friends.”

(Hastur doesn't say anything; the smoke rising from his horns is creating a black horizontal cloud above his head)

Adam: “They seem to like each other a great deal.”

Hastur: “That, and his exposure to humans, affected his judgment, his decision-making. He got weak. He went soft. What a waste of a demon. 6,000 years and he goes and – oh, never mind. When we in Hell gets our hands on him, Crowley will wish he had never seen, much less spoken with and become friends with, the other side. Rest assured, his punishment will be equal to his failures.”

(I wouldn't bet on it, Crowley thought. I'm a lot closer to you than you probably realize. You always were a bit on the thick-headed side. Makes me wonder who thought it was a good idea promoting you to the position of duke. Satan was probably drunk that day.)

Adam: “You sound like Gabriel.”

(they're near the bottom of the stairs; Hastur stops and faces Adam)

Hastur: “I pray to Lord Satan that I never become anything like – like the one you mentioned. I would rather spend the rest of eternity as a human politician, lawyer, or even a telemarketer. I – am a – Duke – of Hell. I have been for thousands of years. And I have no desire to be anything less.”

Adam: “Sounds like a dead-end job to me. Unless there's room for improvement, that is. Do they ever promote demons and devils in Hell? Or are you stuck at one level for eternity? I can't imagine that there's much above the rank of duke, except maybe Prince of Lies or Lord of Hell. But that position is already taken. And then who is above them? Lucifer?”

Hastur: “Do not mock me. I am well-satisfied with my position and my duties.”

(Adam shrugs)

Adam: “Then I guess you'll be a duke for the rest of eternity. Unless, of course, something happens to Satan.”

Hastur: “Nothing – do you hear me? – nothing will happen to him. Ever. This is his bailiwick. He was chosen to be its ruler by Lucifer himself. There is no power in the universe that could usurp Satan.”

Adam: “Not even God himself?”

Hastur: “Not even – that being.”

Adam: “Then if Satan is so powerful, why did he let God kick him out of heaven? Or Lucifer, for that matter. They could've fought back and won, right?”

Hastur: “Your questions reveal how naive you are. You still understand so little. But that will change in time. Your real education begins here in Hell.”

Adam: “But I'm in school already. On Earth. And I like what my teachers have taught me.”

Hastur: “They do not teach you what we teach here in Hell.”

Adam: “What if I don't want to learn it?”

Hastur: “It's too late for that.”

(Hastur shoves Adam ahead of him, down the stairs; hard enough that Adam almost stumbles)

(Crowley-the-fly smiles to himself; when Adam refused the temptation of the fake Pepper, whether he knew it or not, he'd passed the first test; and now, Adam's questioning revealed far more than Hastur wanted to reveal; I should know; I wasn't that different from Adam when I first arrived in Hell all those thousands of years ago; there were things I wanted to know and there was no one willing to explain them to me; maybe they were grateful to get me away from them when I was assigned to the Garden of Eden; but that backfired on them when I didn't return to Hell after the original Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden; I still remember standing on top of the wall that surrounded the Garden, and asking Aziraphale about the Flaming Sword; he was a bit of a rebel even back then; he gave his Sword to the original Adam, so that he and Eve would have something to defend themselves with when they were in the world outside of Eden; both rebellious and compassionate; I'm surprised that Gabriel didn't haul him back to heaven right then and there and punish him; somehow Aziraphale got away with it, and now he's probably back at his bookshop with Anathema; I hope they were able to find the Agnes Nutter's bread box and learn what was inside it; makes me wish I were there instead of here in Hell; but Adam needs my help and I'm going to do whatever I can to help him escape from Hell; it won't be easy, but if I can drive through the flaming “wall” of the M25 around London and my Bentley was still in one piece, then how much harder can it be to get Adam and myself out of Hell and back to Earth? Don't answer that; I was just being rhetorical.)

(Limbo seems to be a forest, stretching out in all directions; there are broken pieces of Greek or Roman columns here and there; in a clearing ahead of them there seems to be a Hindi man in lotus position, eyes closed, peacefully meditating; he's wearing a turban on his head and some sort of breechcloth around his abdomen, hips and upper legs; no doubt there are others scattered about Limbo, trapped here because they were defined as pagans, not as Christians)

Adam: “This doesn't seem like a bad place. Are you sure we're still in Hell?”

Hastur: “I am sure.”

Adam: “I'm going to talk to that man who's meditating.”

(Hastur says nothing and watches Adam walk over to the male Hindu)

Adam: “Um, hullo, sir. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.”

Hindu: “Greetings. You are not interrupting. I am simply relaxing. This is an excellent location to meditate in.”

Adam: “You do realize that you're not on Earth anymore?”

Hindu: “I have died, and my soul has gone to the Afterlife. When it is time, I will be reborn and live another cycle on Earth.”

Adam: “But what if you're not allowed to leave here?”

(the Hindu opens his eyes and looks up at Adam)

Hindu: “I am not a prisoner here. Therefore, I am free to come and go as I wish.”

Adam: “Even if you're in Hell?”

(the Hindu looks around them)

Hindu: “Kali and Krishna the Destroyer would not send me here if this were Hell. Therefore, this is like the train station in Mumbai. I am only here temporarily. When it is my time to leave, I will leave.”

(Adam points at Hastur)

Adam: “Do you know who he is?”

(the Hindu looks over at Hastur)

Hindu: “I have never seen him before. Is he also between lives?”

Adam: “He's Hastur. One of the dukes of Hell. I'm not sure how many dukes there are here.”

Hindu: “I see. If he is who you say he is, why do you choose to accompany him?”

Adam: “I wasn't given a choice. I was forced to come here.”

Hindu: “Then you are a prisoner.”

(Adam nods)

Hindu: “I am sorry. You seem like a nice person.”

Adam: “I try to be. It's not always easy to be nice. I make mistakes.”

Hindu: “There is no shame in mistakes. Provided one is willing to learn from them.”

Adam: “Um. Are you going to stay here, then?”

Hindu: “For now, yes. I hope you are able to find your way home.”

Adam: “Thank you. And I hope your next life starts soon.”

Hindu: “As do I. Good-bye.”

Adam: “Good-bye.”

(Adam walks back to Hastur)

Hastur: “I trust that he had nothing important to tell you?”

Adam: “He thinks he is between lives. He's just waiting for his next one to start.”

Hastur: “I was once a pagan like him. A very very very long time ago. Before the creation of the Garden of Eden. Before the Earth itself was created.”

Adam: “Is that when you chose to come here?”

Hastur: “Yes.”

Adam: “And you wanted to to stay here?”

Hastur: “I did.”

Adam: “Have you had any regrets?”

Hastur: “None whatsoever.”

(Adam thinks about that)

Hastur: “If you have no further questions, it is time to continue on our way.”

(Adam shakes his head and they walk toward the next stairway downwards)

Adam: “What comes after Limbo?”

Hastur: “Lust. One of my favorites.”

Adam: “Frequent visitor, I take it?”

Hastur: “None of your damned business.”


	8. Chapter 8

(Aziraphale looks over at Anathema; she ends her call and covers her face; her shoulders are shaking)

Aziraphale: “Anathema? Is everything all right?”

(Anathema doesn't answer; it sounds like she's crying)

Agnes: “I warned her.”

Aziraphale: “Indeed you did. And with as little empathy as possible.”

Agnes: “I've dealt with men before. I was burned at the stake by men. The women just watched and insulted me.”

Aziraphale: “The men were mainly witch-hunters, from the sounds of it.”

Agnes: “That and decidedly ignorant neighbors.”

Aziraphale: “And they were the ones that accused you of witchcraft?”

(Agnes nods)

Agnes: “And once you've been labeled a witch, it's difficult to shake it off. At least they spelled it with a w, not with a b.”

(Aziraphale wonders whether spelling it with a b would've been more accurate in Agnes' case.)

Agnes: “Are you still insisting on comforting her?”

Aziraphale: “Indeed I am.”

Agnes: “I don't suppose that there's anything I can say to change your mind?”

(Aziraphale shakes his head; he goes over to Anathema, gently turns her toward himself, gently puts his arms around her; she is still crying, but more quietly now, possibly because her face is partly muffled by his shirt)

Aziraphale: “It'll be all right, Anathema. You'll see. These sorts of things work themselves out. It just takes time.”

(Anathema nods, pulls back a little, wipes her eyes free of tears; her cheeks are wet)

Anathema: “Men. You give them what you think is good news, and they react as if you've put their hands in handcuffs and imprisoned them in a cage. It's not as if this was forced on him. From what I recall, he enjoyed the process just as much as I did. He was just rather disappointed that we weren't going to do it twice.”

(Anathema laughs softly, though Aziraphale doesn't think she said anything funny)

Anathema: “Must be the hormones. They've been turning me upside-down lately. At least I haven't been morning-sick today. Thank God for small miracles.”

Aziraphale: “Indeed.”

(He looks at her)

Aziraphale: “Feeling more like yourself?”

(Anathema nods)

Anathema: “My mother warned me what it could be like. But it's one thing to be told about it, it's quite another to experience it first-hand.”

(Aziraphale chuckles)

Aziraphale: “You should've seen how furious Gabriel was when he learned that I'd given away my Flaming Sword. Such language coming from an angel!”

Anathema: “He didn't get into trouble because of it?”

Aziraphale: “I forgave him. And, in any case, I got the Sword back at Lower Tadfield Airbase. So, in the end, no harm done. If I hadn't gotten the Sword back, it probably would've turned out far worse at the British Library today.”

(they hear a woman's cough behind them; they turn to see Agnes Nutter's impatient facial expression)

Anathema: “Thank you for caring, Aziraphale.”

(Aziraphale smiles at her, pats her on one shoulder)

Aziraphale: “That's what friends are for. What if I made us both some tea?”

Anathema: “I'd like that.”

Aziraphale: “Excellent. I have a small assortment of teas in a tin in the cupboard in my little kitchen. Do you have any favorites?”

Anathema: “What do you have?”

Aziraphale: “Orange pekoe, Darjeeling, Earl Grey, Chamomile, Mint, Jasmine, Tetley, and Lipton.”

Anathema: “Darjeeling.”

Aziraphale: “Darjeeling it is.”

(He heads off to the little kitchen, humming to himself)

(Anathema returns to the desk and Agnes' ghostly head)

Agnes: “I presume your young man has decided not to come here?”

Anathema: “Oh no. Of course he's coming here. I just hope that he doesn't get pulled over along the way for disobeying the lockdown order given by the Prime Minister.”

Agnes: “He's willing to risk it? For you?”

Anathema: “You don't have a high opinion of men, do you?”

Agnes: “That's putting it mildly. I suppose they're less fussy about witchcraft in this day and age?”

Anathema: “Being a pagan isn't a crime in England. Of course they probably would much rather you were a member of the Church of England, but they don't enforce it like they did when Elizabeth I was queen.”

Agnes: “And the witch trials?”

Anathema: “I don't think there's been one in over two hundred years.”

Agnes: “You are indeed fortunate, then, to be a witch in this day and age. Before I was born, it was bad enough to be Catholic if the queen wasn't, or Protestant if the queen wasn't.”

Anathema: “I read about that. Dreadful times. Like a religious police state. People hiding in their homes. Trying to avoid getting caught, arrested, tortured, and executed. I'd rather be a witch than go through what they went through.”

Agnes: “And your young man doesn't have a problem with what you are?”

Anathema: “He's more tolerant than Mr. Shadwell is. You'd think Mr. Shadwell was still in the 17th Century. And yet –”

Agnes: “And yet?”

Anathema: “He's seems to be quite tolerant of Madame Tracey. Last I heard, he was living with her.”

Agnes: “These are indeed strange times.”

(Aziraphale returns with a silver tea-tray, and on it were a silver tea-pot, a small carafe of milk, and two tea-cups on saucers)

Aziraphale: “I would offer you some tea, Agnes, but you would need to share a body in order to have some.”

(Agnes glances at Anathema; the latter frowns at the former)

Anathema: “Don't even think about it. I'm no Madame Tracey.”

(Aziraphale tries to unruffle their feathers)

Aziraphale: “Do you want any milk in your tea, Anathema?”

Anathema: “Yes, please.”

(Aziraphale pours milk into her tea-cup and pours tea into it next; then does the same with his own tea-cup; he hands her her tea-cup and saucer; she accepts it and thanks him; he offers her the two-person couch near his desk; he sits in his usual chair)

Aziraphale: “I wonder how soon Newt will be arriving.”

Agnes: “It's in my pamphlet.”

(Aziraphale puts down his tea-cup and saucer, picks up her pamphlet, and reads the next prediction)

Aziraphale: “And the witch-hunter's descendant will arrive and knock as this is being read.”

(two knocks on the bookshop's front door)

Aziraphale: “I'll see who it is.”

(Aziraphale walks over to the front door and opens it)

(Newt is standing there; he isn't alone; Gabriel is behind him)

Gabriel: “Are we interrupting anything, Aziraphale?”

Aziraphale: “A cup of tea with milk in it. I'm having on and so is Anathema.”

(Newt looks pleased to hear that she's at the bookshop and tries to squeeze past Gabriel; Gabriel grabs him by the shoulder and stops him)

Gabriel: “One thing at a time.”

Aziraphale: “I trust that there's no hard feelings for fooling you in heaven?”

Gabriel: “It did come as something of a shock, seeing you stand in the column of fire, calm as could be, and then staring at us and breathing fire at us.”

Aziraphale: “You should've seen the look on Michael's face when he saw what looked like Crowley in the bathtub filled with Holy Water. I still think it was funny when I wondered aloud whether one could find a rubber duck somewhere in the Nine Circles of Hell. Apparently Michael doesn't have much of a sense of humor.”

Gabriel: “And Hastur was probably less than pleased when he learned that you and Crowley had switched places.”

(Aziraphale shrugged)

Aziraphale: “Surely you didn't expect the two of us to simply agree to our respective punishments without any complaint on our part.”

Gabriel: “You refused to fight on the side of Heaven on the day of Armageddon. And then you switch places. How much more are you going to mock Heaven and Hell?”

Aziraphale: “If you ever spend enough time on Earth, you will no doubt find that existing more and more like a human is superior to being an angel or a demon. There are so many things to experience and enjoy here on Earth. And yet you choose not experience and enjoy any of them.”

Gabriel: “I'm an angel. Your superior, in fact. Why would I want to be even remotely human? What good would it do me?”

Aziraphale: “It might do a great deal of good.”

Newt: “Please. If I may interrupt? Is Anathema all right?”

Aziraphale: “She's just fine. She's sitting in a chair near my desk, enjoying her cup of tea. Do you know where my desk is?”

(Newt shakes his head)

Aziraphale: “It's under at the east end of the bookshop.”

(Aziraphale points in that direction)

Newt: “Thank you. Now if you both don't mind?”

(He manages to squeeze past Gabriel this time and hurries in the direction of Aziraphale's desk)

Gabriel: “We need to have a discussion.”

Aziraphale: “I rather thought we were already having one.”

Gabriel: “About your situation here on Earth.”

Aziraphale: “Ah. And you don't approve of it.”

Gabriel: “Obviously. I don't think any of Heaven's hierarchy approves of it. Except the small number of angels who are mildly envious of you.”

Aziraphale: “They're welcome to join me here, if you'd rather not have them in Heaven.”

(Gabriel sighs and frowns)

Gabriel: “You're not making this any easier for me.”

Aziraphale: “I have a cup of tea that probably isn't warm anymore. If you would like, I can pour you a cup of tea as well. And then you can proceed with your criticism of me. Agreed?”

Gabriel: “Fine.”

Aziraphale: “It's Darjeeling tea. I hope you'll like it.”

Gabriel: “I haven't had tea in a very long time. Heaven doesn't have tea. Or coffee, for that matter.”

Aziraphale: “What deprivation. You should recommend that they set up a tea service in Heaven. There wouldn't be any risk of angels escaping to Earth, after all. They would still be in Heaven, safe and sound.”

Gabriel: “I'll think about it. Oh, and if you're thinking of tempting me, don't even bother.”

Aziraphale: “I shan't. I'll leave that up to Crowley.”

Gabriel: “Where is Crowley, by the way?”

(Aziraphale was about to be truthful, and decided to be slightly untruthful instead; definitely been with Crowley too often, it was rubbing off on him)

Aziraphale: “Oh, he had things to do. Demonic duties and all.”

Gabriel: “You're evading the question.”

Aziraphale: “It's none of my business. If you meet up with him, you can ask him yourself. Now, if you'll just follow me? I know a short-cut to where my desk is.”

(they walk through the bookshop and reach Aziraphale's desk; Newt is sitting on the couch, next to Anathema; they're talking with Anathema and Agnes' ghostly head; Anathema quickly hides Agnes' pamphlet in the desk's central (and only) drawer; Agnes' book is standing upright in a horizontal row of books, but with the spine facing away; Newt and Anathema sit closer together, knees touching)

(Agnes looks up at Gabriel)

Agnes: “Gabriel. I thought you would be in Heaven.”

Gabriel: “Agnes. And I thought you would be in Hell with the all the other dead witches.”

Agnes: “Sorry to disappoint you. I still have things to take care of here on Earth.”

Gabriel: “Apparently.”

(Aziraphale goes to his little kitchen, gets another tea-cup and saucer; returns to his desk and pours tea and milk into the tea-cup and saucer; hands the tea-cup and saucer to Gabriel; finds a chair for Gabriel, but Gabriel doesn't sit in it; sits down in his favorite chair, and takes a sip from his own tea-cup; the tea is still warm)

Gabriel: “Quite a crowd you have here, Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale: “London is in lockdown, and I thought that they might enjoy being here instead of at their homes.”

Gabriel: “And the baked goods?”

Aziraphale: “Please help yourself to one. I baked them myself.”

(Gabriel reaches over and picks up a crumpet; takes a bite)

Gabriel: “Not bad.”

Aziraphale: “I also have biscuits, if you're interested.”

Gabriel: “This'll so for now.”

(Agnes smiles ever-so-slightly)

Agnes: “If I didn't know any better, Gabriel, I would say that you're still mad that Armageddon didn't turn out as Heaven and Hell had planned. It's over with; it can't be undone. Why can't you just accept it and go on with your existence? Or does Heaven still permit grudges?”

Gabriel: “You probably already know, so why are you asking me?”

Agnes: “Sometimes it's nice to get it from the horse's mouth.”

(Anathema, Newt, and Aziraphale snort, and try hard not to laugh; Gabriel frowns at them and looks back at Agnes' ghostly head)

Gabriel: “You haven't lost your touch when it comes to insults.”

Agnes: “You try being nice after being marched off to be burned at the stake. It certainly doesn't make you all cheerful and lovey-dovey. Compared to you lot, my late husband was an absolute angel.”

Gabriel: “Last time we spoke to one another, you called him a bastard of the first water.”

Agnes: “He was. And probably still is.”

(Agnes looks at Gabriel)

Agnes: “Haven't seen him lately in Heaven?”

(Gabriel shakes his head)

Agnes: “I'm not surprised. Hell probably could've made better use of him.”

(Gabriel coughs, wipes his mouth with a napkin that Aziraphale gives him)

Gabriel: “Thanks.”

Aziraphale: “Not at all. Do you still want to have that discussion with me?”

Gabriel: “It's not exactly for –”

Aziraphale: “Let me be the judge of that.”

(Gabriel clears his throat; it seems to be dryer than usual; he sips some tea, which helps a little)

Gabriel: “You're being recalled.”

(Aziraphale's eyebrows rise)

Aziraphale: “Recalled? And the reason for this decision?”

Gabriel: “The Heavenly Council decided that you've spent enough millenia on Earth. It's time you returned to Heaven. Permanently.”

(Aziraphale looks puzzled, as if he's not quite whether to laugh or not)

Aziraphale: “First you try to burn me to death. Not you try to recall me to Heaven. If I'm to be punished for being on Earth for too many years, why not just send me to Hell instead?”

Agnes: “It is a logical assumption, Gabriel. Based on your prior behavior and all.”

(Gabriel looks uncomfortable)

Agnes: “Unless you plan on forgiving him. Which doesn't seem all that likely.”

Aziraphale: “As the accused, I do believe I am allowed to not only face my accuser, but also a final request. Who is accusing me, Gabriel? You? Or one of the other angels?”

Gabriel: “I am.”

Aziraphale: “And you consider it criminal that I've spent such a long time here on Earth? Last time I checked the Old and New Testaments, I don't recall reading anything that applied to angels. Especially angels that have done no harm and that have done their best to help the humans they come into contact with.”

(Gabriel looks uncomfortable again)

Aziraphale: “Oh. I think I know what this is about. It's not that I've been on Earth too long. This is about Crowley and me. Isn't it?”

(Gabriel nods)

Aziraphale: “I should've known. And no doubt Crowley is being accused of it as well. No wonder he hasn't returned yet.”

(Aziraphale pauses, looks sheepish)

Aziraphale: “Oh dear. I shouldn't have said that.”

Gabriel: “I think I can guess where he is, then. Thank you, Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale: “But you said you were here because of me.”

Gabriel: “That's part of it. This should make it somewhat clearer.”

(he hands a piece of paper to Aziraphale, who reads it)

Aziraphale: “Oh my. This is quite serious.”

Anathema: “What does it say?”

Aziraphale: “There is to be a Joint Judgment, at a neutral location so that members of both Heaven and Hell can be present. The accused are myself and Crowley.”

(Agnes looks over his shoulder and silently reads the piece of paper)

Agnes: “Pardon the pun, dearie, but they're throwing the book at you both.”

Anathema: “When does it take place?”

Aziraphale: “In one day.”

Anathema: “Will Crowley have enough time to get there from wherever he is?”

Aziraphale: “I hope so. Because if he doesn't, he will be tried in absentia.”

Anathema: “And this is just because you two fraternized?”

Aziraphale: “If that was all we had done, there would be no need for a Judgment. But we did something more. Something that apparently isn't covered by 'Love thy neighbor as thyself'.”

(Anathema stares at Aziraphale)

Anathema: “What in the world did you both do that Heaven and Hell think is so terrible?”

(Aziraphale looks sad and sighs)

Aziraphale: “We fell in love with each other.”


	9. Chapter 9

(they can already feel the updraft and swirling winds before they reach the bottom of the stairway; there is an ancient road – paved with stone – that passes by them, from their left to their right)

(the “sky” is mostly dark-grey with ghost-like white clouds scuttling across it; the winds increase in strength, nearly knocking Adam backward; it doesn't seem to affect Hastur, though)

(Adam struggles to stay standing; he puts his arms around the column at the bottom right of the stairway; he looks at Hastur, who seems to be enjoying Adam's discomfort)

Hastur: “Mortals. You've had it much too easy on Earth. Everything on a silver platter. Including a tea set.”

(Adam gives him a puzzled look)

Adam: “What are you talking about?”

(Hastur tries to shake his head free of whatever was affecting it)

Hastur: “Nothing. A book is being thrown.”

Adam: “Do you realize that you're not making any sense? Or do you even hear what you're saying?”

(trying to distract himself from the invasive thoughts, Hastur grabs onto Adam's left arm and pulls the latter away from the column he'd wrapped his arms around)

Adam: “Don't do that! I'm going to blow away!”

(but he doesn't budge; Hastur's grip is strong enough to hold Adam in place)

Hastur: “Had you grown up here in Hell you wouldn't be half this weak. You'd be strong as I am, if not stronger. Lord Satan will be so disappointed by how soft his son grew up to be.”

Adam: “He isn't my father. My father lives in Lower Tadfield.”

Hastur: “He did not impregnate your mother. Satan did. Surely you must've noticed by now that you are different from your parents and from your peers? That whenever you wanted something to happen, it happened.”

Adam: “I suppose so. I just thought that it was everyone else who was imagining things. For instance, my pet dog.”

Hastur: “Who was once a hell hound. Until you changed him into an ordinary dog.”

Adam: “I did that?”

Hastur: “You did.”

Adam: “But why do I have this kind of power and my parents don't?”

Hastur: “Because your earthly parents aren't your real parents. Your power was inherited from your infernal parents. You were expected to grow up to be like them. But instead you grew up to be just another mortal. All because of a mistaken switch at the hospital that Crowley took you to.”

Adam: “Crowley gave me to the wrong parents?”

Hastur: “The nuns at the hospital made the mistake. Crowley brought you to them in a basket. I should know. I was the one who gave him the basket in a graveyard at night. And because you were given to the wrong parents, none of us in Hell or – in that other place – knew where you were.”

Adam: “Someone must've known.”

(Hastur nods)

Hastur: “A mortal witch named Agnes Nutter. She knew of you more than three hundred years before you were born.”

Adam: “What happened to her?”

Hastur: “She was burned at the stake in the village square by witch-hunters. But she had her revenge. Ah, she would've made such an excellent demon here in Hell.”

Adam: “What did she do?”

Hastur: “She filled her skirt's pockets with nails and gunpowder. The witch-hunters didn't know what she had done until it was too late. When the fire reached her skirt's pockets, the gunpowder exploded, sending the nails in all directions. Killing everyone within range and destroying the buildings around the square. A most excellent revenge.”

Adam: “Where is she now? Here in Hell?”

Hastur: “She never made the transition. She is still on Earth. A ghost. It is believed that she is haunting a library in London.”

Adam: “Is that why you went there? To find her?”

Hastur: “That was my initial goal. But then I saw a toy car on the ground floor of the British Library. I sensed the presence of two beings inside the toy car. Crowley and – and his companion. I was going to capture them both and bring them here to Hell. But you and that woman interfered where you had no business.”

(Hastur frowns, trying to control his temper)

Hastur: “Enough! If shelter from these winds is what you need, you shall have it soon enough. The San Souci is within easy walking distance from here.”

Adam: “And what is it exactly? You haven't said yet.”

Hastur: “A hotel, casino, and red light district combined. Whatever a guest can imagine can made to happen. Any fantasy at all.”

Adam: “Even ones about Earth or Heaven?”

Hastur: “Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. Get going. I'll be right behind you.”

Adam: “But I don't know the way!”

(Hastur points down the road, where it winds past a long, narrow lake that seems to be one fire, the flames flickering madly as the winds blow at them; past the ruins of temples and churches, Adam can just about see the top of a tall building; it seems to be a tower with a roof shaped like the end of Hastur's tail; Adam points at it)

Adam: “Is that it?”

(Hastur nods and pushes Adam in that direction)

(it takes them about what feels like ten or fifteen minutes to reach the wide stairs in front of the San Souci; there are people lounging, laughing, drinking, and having a good time on the stairs (some casually, some more intimately), on the terrace above it, on terraces on each floor above the ground floor; there are people entering the building and other people exiting from it; some almost look human, while others look more like various kinds of demons and devils)

Hastur: “Welcome to the San Souci, Son of Satan.”

(they climb the stairway, weaving their way past the people on the stairs)

One “person” calls to Adam (he can't tell if they're male or female): “You're new here.”

(Adam nods)

The person: “Planning to stay awhile?”

Adam: “I hope not.”

The person: “Oh, do. Please do. I'm so tired of the usual guests. Who knows? You might be exactly the spice that this establishment needs to alleviate the boredom we're experiencing.”

Adam: “You don't look bored to me.”

The person: “Oh, we are, we are. We just try not to act like it. Why doesn't your companion go inside alone and you can stay out here with us?”

Adam: “I think I'd better stay with him.”

The person: “And spoil all our fun? Oh, fine. Do you have a name?”

Adam: “Adam.”

The person: “Such a mundane name.”

Adam: “What's your name?”

The person: “Alcibiades. I was alive in ancient Greece in the 5th Century BC. Such a fun and exciting time to be alive. So much to do.”

Adam: “But you ended up here.”

Alcibiades: “The other place didn't seem to appreciate individuals like myself. I was banished here instead. Not that I mind. It's almost like being in Pericles' Athens prior to the plague. When you've checked in and assigned your room, don't forget to come back out here. I'd like to make your acquaintance.”

Adam: “I'll – I'll think about it.”

Alcibiades: “Do. Well, do enjoy your visit to the San Souci. There's nothing else quite like it in all of Hell.”

(You might not be able to trust Alcibiades all the time, Crowley thought, but sometimes he does manage to be truthful. I wonder if Alcibiades is even aware of when he's honest. Probably not. The fleshly desires and intrigues interest him far more. No wonder he likes it here.)

(Adam and Hastur enter the San Souci; the lobby is large with a cathedral ceiling; beyond the lobby, further inside, there seems to be an atrium with benches set at intervals around a fountain; each bench is occupied, sometimes by a man and a woman, sometimes by two men, sometimes by two women, chatting when they aren't sipping wine from their wine cups)

(the hotel's check-in clerk's desk is off to the left, a wide, rounded desk, with an exterior that reaches almost up to Adam's chest; the clerk looks up at them)

Clerk: “Do you already have a reserved room, or do you need a room?”

Hastur: “We need a room. Nothing too large. Just for ourselves.”

Clerk: “Of course, of course.”

(The clerk looks down at what Adam thinks is a computer screen or its equivalent.)

Clerk: “We have one on the sixth floor, another on the twenty-first floor, and a third one on the forty-second floor. Any preferences?”

Hastur: “The one of the sixth floor will do just fine.”

(the Clerk nods, touches the computer screen)

Clerk: “And who will be paying for the room?”

Hastur: “I will. I have an account here. Deduct the amount owed from that.”

(the Clerk nods again, touches the computer screen again)

Clerk: “Now, then. Names?”

Hastur: “I am Hastur. One of the Dukes of Hell.”

(the Clerk's eyes widen momentarily, but the Clerk enters Hastur's name on the screen)

Clerk: “And your companion, sir?”

Hastur: “His name is Adam.”

(the Clerk enters Adam's name on the screen)

Clerk: “That seems to be in order, sir. And your other companion?”

(Hastur looks puzzled)

Hastur: “My other companion? You must be mistaken. I only have one companion. Adam here.”

Clerk: “We never make mistakes here at the San Souci, sir. It's one reason we're so popular with all the denizens of Hell. You indeed have a second companion. He showed up on our primary security screen when you entered this hotel.”

(Hastur looks around himself; but only sees Adam)

(the Clerk makes a face)

Clerk: “Surely you must've known of his presence, sir.”

Hastur: “ 'His' presence?”

(the Clerk nods and points at Adam's left ear)

Clerk: “The fly, sir. We have it listed in our database as one of Hell's demons.”

(the Clerk leans in closely to the computer screen)

Clerk: “His names seems to be … Crowley.”

(Hastur's eyes widen)

Hastur: “Crowley!”

Clerk: “Yes, sir. That is his name. Does he wish to share your room? There's an extra cost for a third occupant, however.”

(Hastur turns to Adam, turning the latter to Hastur's left; there, hidden until now behind Adam's left ear, is a fly)

Hastur: “You can show your real self now, Crowley.”

(Crowley-the-fly flies down to the floor, turns into Crowley in human form)

Hastur: “I don't know how you managed to keep me from knowing you were there. But you were a fool to accompany us. Hell is most pleased that both you and Satan's son are here. This is what we were attempting to do when Armageddon took place, but we were thwarted. There is no possibility of being thwarted anyone here. It's possible that Lord Satan now knows that you are back in Hell. He will be most pleased.”

(the Clerk interrupts)

Clerk: “One moment, sirs. You said the demon's name was Crowley?”

(Hastur nods)

Hastur: “I did.”

(the Clerk reaches for something near the computer screen, hidden from the view of Hastur, Crowley, and Adam; it's a folded piece paper, jet black, written on with golden lettering; the Clerk hands it to Crowley)

Clerk: “This is for you, sir. It was delivered here less than an hour ago by Delivery Expedited Via Infernal Lorry.”

(“Delivery Expedited Via Infernal Lorry” is Hell's equivalent of “G.O.D.” (Guaranteed Overnight Delivery) – it is the primary delivery service in Hell – there being very few to compete with it)

Adam: “What does it say?”

Crowley: “There is to be a Joint Judgment. To be held on Earth tomorrow. Representatives from both Hell and Heaven – och – that hurt – will be present.”

Adam: “But why are you being notified about it?”

Crowley: “I have to be there. It's mandatory.”

(Hastur smiles)

Hastur: “You can't escape your punishments, even here in Hell. You should've stayed on Earth, Crowley.”

Adam: “What else does it say?”

Crowley: “Two beings are accused of a crime most heinous.”

Hastur: “And you're one of them, Crowley? How appropriate. Give them my thanks.”

Crowley: “I'm not the only one, Hastur. The other one is Aziraphale.”

(Adam stares at him)

Adam: “Your friend, the angel? But what could you both have done that you would both punished for it? You saved the world from Armageddon. Heaven and Hell should've been pleased.”

Crowley: “They weren't. That's the problem. We prevented the End of the World. Not only that, but we avoided getting punished afterward. We switched bodies. Aziraphale, in my body, took a bath in Holy – och – stop that – Water. I – in his body – went to Heaven – oh my – that hurt – and stood in a column of fire. Having survived both of those punishments, we returned to Earth, thinking that we wouldn't be hearing from either realm for the foreseeable future.”

Hastur: “But you have.”

(Crowley nods)

Hastur: “And now they've seen fit to punish you both. You can't escape this time, Crowley. Both realms are getting involved, and you won't get away with it.”

Adam: “But what did he and Aziraphale do that was so terrible in the eyes of Heaven and Hell?”

Hastur: “Care to tell the boy, Crowley?”

(Crowley looks uncomfortable, then nods)

Crowley: “We fraternized. Definitely against the rules in both places.”

Adam: “That doesn't sound so bad. Maybe they're overreacting?”

(Crowley shakes his head)

Crowley: “We did more than fraternize, Adam.”

Adam: “What did you do?”

Crowley: “An angel and a demon fell in love. Aziraphale and me.”

Hastur: “That's what you get for staying on Earth for too long. That would never have happened here in Hell or in – that other place. And you thought that being damned was the least of your worries. This will be so sweet. Rest assured, I will be there, watching and enjoying every minute of it.”


	10. Chapter 10

(cellar of one of the row-houses in the “city” on the Vestibule level; there is a meeting of various demons going on; there is one source of light, a light-bulb hanging by a wire from the ceiling; the same female demon that spoke with Adam on the Vestibule level of Hell speaks)

Female demon: “I keep telling you – he isn't like the rest.”

(the male demon in charge of the meeting looks at her, unconvinced)

Male demon: “One meeting isn't a relationship, much less a friendship, Oreia. You're placing far too much trust in him. We have enough trouble with Nergal and Mastema. Why borrow more of the same?”

Oreia: “Because he might be useful, Kraz. He might know things and be able to do things that we can't.”

(Kraz sighs and looks at her)

Kraz: “You're not going to give up, are you?”

Oreia: “Not until you – or someone else – proves me wrong. We've been in Hell long enough, and we don't even belong here, much less deserve to be here.”

(Kraz tries not to laugh)

Kraz: “You're a succubus. Of course you belong here. And I'm an incubus. Ergo, I also belong here.”

Oreia: “Can I at least try to contact him again?”

Kraz: “If you think it will do any good.”

Oreia: “I do.”

Kraz: “You'd be better be right about this. One slip-up, and we'll have the Infernal Security Forces hauling us none-too-gently out of here and throwing us into what are euphemistically called 'cells'. And that's only if they don't decide to torture us as well. We've managed to stay below the radar so far. I'm not keen on risking that for anything, no matter how well-intentioned.”

Oreia: “They'll be here for at least another day.”

Kraz: “You're sure of that?”

Oreia: “I overheard Duke Hastur speaking with the human boy. Hastur was planning on giving the boy the grand tour. All the way down to the Throne.”

(Kraz stares at her)

Kraz: “Did you say 'Hastur'?”

(Oreia nods)

(Kraz looks amazed at her)

Kraz: “Then you'd best be a hundred times more careful. Only a fool plays games with a duke of Hell. And not just any duke.”

Oreia: “I wasn't planning on doing anything foolish. I just wanted to talk with the boy again. See what he's willing to do, and whether he can do it.”

Kraz: “You won't get anywhere near him. Not if he's with Hastur. Forget, Oreia. Don't even bother.”

(Oreia sighs unhappily and nods)

Kraz: “Anything else?”

(Oreia shakes her head)

(Kraz looks at the other demons at the meeting)

Kraz: “What about the rest of you?”

(the other demons shake their heads)

Kraz: “Then I declare this meeting adjourned. We'll meet again in a month. It might have to be in a different location. Regardless, be careful when you leave this house. Pick the least direct route back to your lairs. Since Oreia mentioned Hastur, I wouldn't be surprised if there are extra eyes watching our comings-and-goings. If need be, change into hell hound shape. I've yet to see a hell hound stopped and interrogated by the Infernal Security Forces. But that can easily change as well. Pick a shape that will get the least attention. Dismissed.”

(the demons leave the cellar; some of the demons have already changed shape into hell hounds, others have changed into ghosts, spectres, hags, ghouls, trolls, vampires, werewolves, serpents, and bats; Oreia is about to leave when Kraz speaks to her)

Kraz: “Don't leave just yet.”

(Oreia turns to face him)

Kraz: “You're still going to do it, aren't you?”

(Oreia nods)

Kraz: “Be careful, then.”

Oreia: “I fully intend to be. And don't worry – if they capture me, I won't tell them anything about the Resistance. I promise.”

Kraz: “I still think you're crazy, but you've got courage. You're going to do something I wouldn't dare do.”

Oreia: “I know. But one of us had to.”

Kraz: “I just wish it didn't have to be you.”

(Oreia smiles at him, then leaves the cellar; Kraz watches her departure)

(Kraz closes his eyes, sighs, then opens his eyes again; he flicks the fingers of his left hand at the dangling light bulb; it goes out, and the cellar falls abruptly into darkness; the only source of light are Kraz's pale eyes; then he leaves the cellar, climbs the stairs, steps outside the house, and shuts the cellar doors)

(across the street are two ISF officers in humanoid shape; Kraz glances at them, turns into a bat, and flies away; they watch his departure, then one of them takes a portable comm unit out of their pocket and presses a code on its keypad)

Male voice: “Anything to report?”

ISF officer: “Infiltration of the organization is a success, sir.”

Male voice: “Good. I just wish it hadn't taken so long.”

ISF officer: “They were highly suspicious of any new members. We had to be very careful. One word out of place, one action out of place, and they would've known and reacted accordingly.”

Male voice: “Understood. Anything else?”

ISF officer: “The meeting just ended. Everyone has left, including the leader.”

Male voice: “We'll keep an eye out for him. We already have ears near his lair.”

ISF officer: “One more thing, sir.”

Male voice: “Yes?”

ISF officer: “They were discussing the son of Lord Satan. Not by name. But by context it could hardly have been anyone else.”

Male voice: “I see. I will inform my superior. What else?”

ISF officer: “One of the demons thought it might help the Resistance if she spoke with him.”

Male voice: “Hastur will be informed. The number of guards on duty outside their room at the San Souci will need to be increased.”

ISF officer: “If I may make a suggestion, sir?”

Male voice: “Permission granted.”

ISF officer: “Don't increase the number of guards. Keep everything as normal as possible. That may fool the demon into taking a risk. Then we can trap her and take her prisoner.”

Male voice: “A most excellent suggestion. I'll refer it to my superior.”

ISF officer: “Suggest that it be put into action as soon as possible. Just in case.”

Male voice: “Understood. I will pass on the need for urgency. Is that all?”

ISF officer: “For now? Yes, sir.”

Male voice: “In the meantime, keep both demons – the leader of the Resistance and the one trying to meet the son of Lord Satan – under increased surveillance, level 2.”

ISF officer: “Yes, sir.”

Male voice: “Dismissed.”


	11. Chapter 11

Aziraphale: “Maybe I should've taken Crowley up on his offer to travel with him to Alpha Centauri after all. But perhaps even there we wouldn't have been safe from this happening.”

Gabriel: “Divine and infernal eyes and ears can be and go anywhere in the universe, not just on Earth or in Heaven or in Hell.”

(Aziraphale nods agreement)

Newt: “But why would they join forces against you and Crowley? Is there some sort of treaty where they join together to punish anyone who crosses the line?”

Aziraphale: “Before the Garden of Eden, before the Earth, when the universe was a vast empty space, all that existed was God. Even Lucifer and Satan didn't exist yet. They came later. Not much later, though. Perhaps you should explain it, Gabriel. You remember it better than I do.”

Gabriel: “Angels like Aziraphale and myself existed, though. Not as we are now, in human shape. We would've looked like balls of energy. Like ball lightning. Some grew large enough to become stars like the Sun, Vega, Sirius, Betelgeuse, and the rest. But some stayed at God's side. The chief angel back then was Lucifer. Whatever God needed him to do, Lucifer happily did. When it came time to create the Earth, God took unused pieces of cosmic building materials, brought them together in a slowly swirling whirlpool of fire. There were other whirlpools of fire, but nothing would live on them. Not yet, anyway. This particular whirlpool was sent into an orbit about the Sun. As it cooled, an atmosphere formed about it, and from that atmosphere the first rain fell. The rain fell until there was enough water to cover most of what had once been dry land. This was Tethys, the first ocean.”

Newt: “Wait a minute. This sounds like what scientists call the Theory of Evolution.”

Gabriel: “It doesn't matter what you call it or when it began or how long it took. It actually happened. Aziraphale and I saw it happen, even though we weren't directly involved yet. I helped with the shaping of what would become the Outer Planets. Aziraphale helped with the shaping of what would become the Inner Planets. Only on Earth were the conditions just right for the appearance and development of life.”

Anathema: “Why only on Earth? There were so many other places it could've happened as well.”

Gabriel: “I don't know. You'll have to ask God that question. It was his decision.”

Aziraphale: “Life as it is known here on Earth is unique. The only thing comparable to it exists in a parallel universe, but you probably wouldn't believe either of us if we told you what it's like there. Truth is far stranger than any fiction yet written.”

(Gabriel nods)

Gabriel: “In that first ocean, life appeared. First, very very very small organisms. But then, over time, larger and larger organisms. Most of them stayed in the ocean, but a few raised their heads above the ocean's surface, and saw the solid ground, one large continent at that time (called Pangaea by the ancient Greeks). Perhaps they were merely curious, or they were driven by the thoughts of God to travel to the solid ground. In any case, they reached where the ocean ended and the solid ground began, and the first one stepped out of the ocean, took a deep breath, and placed a forefoot on the solid ground. That amphibian was the ancestor of all the animals that now exist on Earth.”

Newt: “Were there any trees and plants on the solid ground back then?”

Gabriel: “Some. Over time, the trees and plants spread across Pangaea. So did the animals. And as they did so, some angels were sent to the Earth as stewards and guardians. Other angels had other duties. Where there was still desert, an oasis managed to survive. A group of angels built a high wall all around the oasis. The oasis was later called Eden. At each of the four main compass points an angel was assigned as guardian.”

Aziraphale: “I was one of them. I stood at the East Gate, flaming sword in hand.”

Gabriel: “As Eden was being created and protected, there was a growing group of angels rebelling in what became Heaven. They wanted to be involved in what was happening on Earth, but God refused to permit it. The group of angels decided that they'd had enough and assaulted the Throne of God from all sides. They failed, and – one by one – they were thrown out of Heaven. But they didn't end up on Earth. They fell further than that. They fell all the way to what became Hell. Crowley was one of the fallen angels. He was called Crawley back then because of his tendency to change into the shape of a serpent when he wasn't in demon form. He was sent to Eden to see what trouble he could cause. There were only two humans there at the time, so it shouldn't have proved to be a difficult assignment. He managed one important temptation, which eventually caused the two humans to be banished from Eden.”

Anathema: “The apple from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.”

(Gabriel nods)

Gabriel: “Eve was intelligent enough to know better. They both were. But neither she nor Adam had ever known any consequences for her actions before that moment. Ignorance is, after all, a very poor teacher. There they stood, naked and ashamed, at the East Gate of Eden. Which is where Aziraphale gave up his Flaming Sword.”

Aziraphale: “I gave it to Adam. To protect himself and Eve in the world outside Eden.”

Gabriel: “Your Sword was handed down from parent to child until one day it was returned to you. But there was no punishment – though there was considerable argument about what Aziraphale had done. God understood that Aziraphale had done it out of compassion and a desire to help Adam and Eve. God forgave Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale: “Having given Adam my Sword, I decided to fly up to the top of the wall near the East Gate. At first I was alone, but then I noticed that a serpent had joined me. The serpent changed shape into a demon.”

Newt: “And that was Crowley.”

(Aziraphale nodded)

Aziraphale: “We introduced ourselves, and then he asked me what happened to my Sword. I told him I gave it away. Which was basically the beginning of our acquaintance. We would meet again and again over the next six thousand years, in different cities, inside restaurants or outside in various parks. Over those millenia, we discovered that living on Earth was far more interesting and enjoyable than Heaven and Hell had ever been.”

Gabriel: “And when plans for Armageddon were being made, it was noticed that two individuals were missing: one angel and one demon.”

Aziraphale: “We really had no interest in any impending war. We wanted Earth to continue as she had been. I had my bookshop in Soho and Crowley had his home in Mayfair. What more could we really ask for? But excluding us from Armageddon was the last thing Heaven or Hell would do. We would be involved whether we liked it or not.”

(Gabriel nodded)

Gabriel: “Crowley went to a midnight meeting at a graveyard, where he met with other demons. Hastur was also there. That was where Crowley was handed a basket with a baby boy inside it. It was the culmination of centuries of preparation in Hell. Preparation that would make sure that Armageddon would take place: the battle between the forces of Heaven and Hell.”

Agnes: “Now if they'd only bothered to ask me, I could've told them what to expect.”

(Agnes shakes her ghostly head and sighs)

Agnes: “But of course they didn't. Men. So typical. So sure of themselves. In their eyes, what are women any good for – except to be perpetually barefoot, pregnant, cooking, and housekeeping?”

(Gabriel frowns at her)

Agnes: “Don't deny it, Gabriel.”

(Gabriel looks cornered and defensive)

Gabriel: “I wasn't going to.”

(Agnes smiles, but more from a feeling that's she right, not that she's happy about it)

Agnes: “Of course you were. Why don't you tell Anathema and Newt how many female angels are part of the heavenly hierarchy? One? Maybe two? Three, at the most? Don't answer, Aziraphale. You know the answer.”

Aziraphale: “Indeed I do.”

Agnes: “Then keep quiet. I want to hear Gabriel's explanation.”

Gabriel: “It's not my fault. I didn't set it up that way.”

Agnes: “Then you could've suggested some changes a long time ago. But you didn't. Care to explain why? I'd be interested to hear what your reasons were. Or shall I have Aziraphale or Anathema or Newt open my pamphlet and read the next set of prophecies? Either way, they'll learn the truth.”

Gabriel: “Angels have no gender. We aren't male or female. At least, as long as we don't start becoming human. Only then would we become one gender or the other. Aziraphale, for instance, became male. He could just as easily have become female.”

Agnes: “That's on a purely academic level. And you're using it to evade my question, Gabriel.”

(Agnes turns to Aziraphale)

Agnes: “Could you please read the next prophecy in my pamphlet?”

(Aziraphale reaches for the desk drawer, but doesn't open it just yet)

(Gabriel tries to stop him)

Gabriel: “There's no need for that!”

(Agnes looks at Gabriel)

Agnes: “Isn't there? I gave you a choice. You refused to make it. Now you don't even want to accept the consequences. Perhaps it's a good thing I didn't go to heaven after I was burnt at the stake. I don't think I would've enjoyed being there for more than a few moments. Not the way it was then – and I have no doubt that it's still that way.”

Gabriel: “An angel either has no gender or is male. There are no female angels, except in paintings, stained glass images, sculpture, and the like.”

Aziraphale: “There are, however, female demons. When we were quite drunk a few years ago, after a meal at a very nice restaurant, Crowley spoke briefly about female demons. I believe he called them Succubi. They could take any form, but their basic form was of a naked female human, with horns on their heads, large reptilian wings, and a long tail with a fork at its end. Skin colors were usually anything from pink to dark red. I think a few might have been almost white and others brown or black. Similar to the variations in human complexions.”

Gabriel: “I take it that he wasn't attracted to any of them?”

Aziraphale: “Decidedly not. And not just because they were female, but because they weren't known for being overly honest and trustworthy.”

(Gabriel tries not to smile)

Gabriel: “They were demons. Why would they bother being honest and/or trustworthy? Wouldn't that interfere with their personalities and duties?”

Aziraphale: “Perhaps that's why he continued to live on Earth. He apparently found humans to be much more tolerable and enjoyable to be with than his fellow demons in Hell.”

Gabriel: “I didn't know that.”

Aziraphale: “I suspect that, outside of his past experiences, there is little that you know of the real Crowley. The person on the inside. He isn't the easiest person to get along with, but he is definitely worth the effort to get to know him better.”

Gabriel: “And this is the angel who said he had nothing in common with Crowley? That you were on opposite sides? And that you wanted nothing more to do with him?”

Aziraphale: “Yes, it is. But sometimes one says things in the heat of the moment that aren't entirely truthful.”

(Aziraphale frowns at Gabriel)

Aziraphale: “You really should spend less time spying on me and more on learning what it's like to coexist with others. Or don't you trust anyone except yourself and your fellow angels in heaven?”

(Gabriel looks as if he'd been stung)

Gabriel: “I follow orders. I give orders. I don't usually have the luxury of becoming better acquainted with those on the earthly level.”

Aziraphale: “Perhaps you should try to. Like you are doing today, for instance. You could easily have departed my bookshop and returned to heaven. But you stayed. This doesn't sound like the Gabriel I've encountered on previous occasions. Perhaps you've changed since we first met here on Earth? If so, I would say it's been for the better.”

(there was collective silence for several moments)

Aziraphale: “If you are still insistent that Crowley and I be punished for loving one another, then I suppose there is nothing I could say or do that would change your mind.”

(Gabriel looks uncomfortable)

Gabriel: “I'd better leave. I have other things to do. Preparations for tomorrow, for instance.”

Aziraphale: “Then perhaps you should go. You've done what you were told to do.”

(Gabriel nods and stands up; he puts his empty tea-cup and its saucer on Aziraphale's desk)

Gabriel: “I've only omitted one thing. And not intentionally. The location of the neutral meeting place for the Joint Judgment.”

Aziraphale: “And where is that supposed to be?”

Gabriel: “Glastonbury Tor. Do you know how to find it?”

(Aziraphale nods)

Aziraphale: “Indeed I do. It's been quite awhile since I was last there. Over a thousand years ago in fact. Back when it was called Avalon. It's changed somewhat since then.”

Gabriel: “But that won't cause you any problems? You won't get lost along the way?”

(Aziraphale shakes his head)

Gabriel: “Good. The time for the meeting is noon.”

Aziraphale: “Understood. And what about any humans that might be there at that time?”

Gabriel: “They won't notice any of us. The mists will be thick enough to obscure us from view. If any human happens to hear anything, they'll think they were imagining things.”

Aziraphale: “And Crowley?”

Gabriel: “He should be receiving the same information right about now.”

Aziraphale: “One more question. Will we be allowed to sit together tomorrow?”

(Gabriel looks uncomfortable, then shakes his head)

Gabriel: “I don't think that that will be possible. I'm sorry.”

Aziraphale: “It was worth asking about.”

Gabriel: “Thank you for the tea and crumpet.”

Aziraphale: “You're welcome. Do come again. Assuming, of course, that I will still be here in my bookshop.”

(Gabriel nods at Aziraphale, then at Agnes, Anathema, and Newt; then Gabriel leaves is a mini-tornado of white light)

Agnes: “I must commend you for taking all this so calmly, Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale: “Then I guess I'm a better actor than I thought I was. The Royal Shakespeare Company might've been willing to take me on as one of their players.”

(Aziraphale feels tears on his cheeks; it reminds him of Anathema's reaction to her phone conversation with Newt; he looks sadly at his desk, then at Agnes, Anathema, and Newt)

Aziraphale: “I don't suppose angels usually cry.”

Agnes: “They would have to have human emotions. Like you have.”

(Aziraphale nods)

Aziraphale: “Perhaps that's another reason for the Joint Judgment tomorrow. Not merely how Crowley and I feel towards one another, but that we've become almost entirely human over the last six thousand years. What a dreadful fate – in Heaven and Hell's opinion – for an angel and a demon. It's one thing for Crowley to be a Fallen Angel – he's been that for six thousand years – but for us to fall for each other must seem like one of the worst sins we could've committed.”

(Anathema stands up from the couch, puts her empty tea-cup and saucer on Aziraphale's desk, and comes over to him; she puts her left hand on his right shoulder)

Anathema: “Do you regret it, Aziraphale?”

Aziraphale: “Which part? How I feel about Crowley, or becoming human?”

Anathema: “Both.”

(Aziraphale barely hesitates, then shakes his head)

Aziraphale: “No. No regrets. It was worth it. Every single bit. Both in the good times and the not-so-good times.”

(Anathema smiles)

Anathema: “Which is one of the reasons why I'm glad you're not like Gabriel anymore. It's bad enough that there are angels just like him. So fixated on doing their duty, that they've never experienced the ups and downs of mortal existence. Think what he would gain if he became more human. More like you and Crowley.”

Aziraphale: “But he wouldn't want to take the risk. Not if I know Gabriel. And I do. Far too well. He has everything he wants. He's where he prefers to be. Why would he want to sacrifice all that to become human?”

(Anathema bends down just enough and kisses Aziraphale gently on the top of his head; his blond curls feel soft against her lips)

Anathema: “His loss, your gain.”

(Aziraphale reaches up; they briefly hold hands, just a quick squeeze, then let go)

Aziraphale: “Thank you, Anathema. And not just you. But you also, Newt, and you, Agnes. One thing I have come to treasure more and more here on Earth are the friendships I've made. They make existence on Earth a very special thing. For all the imperfections, foibles, frailties, and fallibilities of humans, I will always prefer them over any angel. Perhaps that's why I treasure what I've had with Crowley since we met on the wall around Eden. I couldn't imagine six thousand years on Earth without him.”

Anathema: “And he probably feels the same about you. Perhaps you both should finally come out and say it to each other.”

Aziraphale: “I'm – I'm not sure that he would, even if I did.”

Anathema: “He probably already realizes how much you mean to him. It's such a short step from that to telling you that he loves you. Just tell him you love him, and maybe that will encourage him to respond in kind.”

Aziraphale: “Let me think about it. After all, there's still one day left.”

Anathema: “Just don't wait too long. If you two are permanently separated after the Joint Judgment, you'll lose your chance to tell each other.”

(Aziraphale nods)

Aziraphale: “Sad, but true.”

(Aziraphale looks around himself; not just at Anathema, Newt, and Agnes; but also at the bookshelves, filled with books; at the small side table with the old Amstrad computer on it; the circular rug covering the heavenly gateway symbol painted on the floor; the compass-point letters on the outside of the circular balcony above the ground floor, N, W, S, and (where they were located) E; the baked goods he'd made that morning, before the brief trip to the British Library, to collect Agnes' bread box; and everything else that made this bookshop his favorite place in the entire world)

Aziraphale: “If it goes badly, I'm going to miss you all, and all of this.”

(Agnes' ghostly head smiles sadly)

Agnes: “The feeling will be mutual.”

(Aziraphale looks at her)

Aziraphale: “No doubt you already know how it will turn out.”

(Agnes nods)

Agnes: “It's in my pamphlet.”

Aziraphale: “Perhaps this time it might be better if it stays there. I'd rather not know ahead of time if things turn out badly for Crowley and myself. I have one more night and one more morning before the Joint Judgment. I'm going to try to enjoy them as much as I can.”

Agnes: “Sounds like an excellent idea.”

Aziraphale: “I have an unopened bottle of 1921 Chateau Neuf de Pape. Would you both like a glass of it? Anathema? Newt?”

(they both nod; Anathema sits back down on the couch next to Newt; they hold hands)

(Aziraphale stands up and goes to the bookshelf where he stores unopened bottles of wine; there aren't many there; perhaps a dozen or two at most; collected over the decades and centuries since he opened the bookshop over three hundred years ago)

(Aziraphale gently holds the bottle of wine as if it were a newborn baby; he finds three wine glasses; and then rejoins Agnes, Anathema, and Newt; he uncorks the bottle of wine and carefully pours half a glass-full in each wine glass; he hands one to Anathema, and a second one to Newt; the third one he holds himself)

Aziraphale: “A toast. To friendship.”

Agnes, Anathema, and Newt: “To friendship.”

(Aziraphale, Anathema, and Newt touch wine glasses and sip from them; as he does so, Aziraphale wishes Crowley could be there to partake as well; Aziraphale silently makes a second toast to Crowley and whispers)

Aziraphale: “Do be careful, Crowley.”

(it's almost as if he can hear Crowley's response, all the way from Hell)

Crowley: “I'm always careful, angel.”


	12. Chapter 12

(Crowley reads more of the note on the piece of paper)

Crowley: “Tomorrow at noon. Location is Glastonbury Tor.”

Hastur: “I trust that you won't have any trouble getting there?”

Crowley: “I can't, as long as I'm trapped in Hell.”

Hastur: “I'm sure that you will be released. After all, you're expected to be there. How could you be, if you here instead?”

Crowley: “Exactly.”

Hastur: “And I suppose you'll want to drive your car there?”

Crowley: “Absolutely. Unless there is some way I could be taken directly there. A demonic miracle would do the trick.”

Hastur: “Make the request and I'll pass it on to Lord Satan. If he's feeling generous, he might even grant it.”

Crowley: “He wouldn't dare lie. Not in this situation. Besides, he'll probably be there as well. Is Satan going to be one of the two Judges? Or Lucifer instead?”

Hastur: “Does it really matter which one it'll be?”

Crowley: “Probably not.”

(Crowley manages to chuckle briefly)

(Hastur frowns at him)

Hastur: “What's so funny?”

Crowley: “It won't be the first time I've been to Glastonbury Tor. Aziraphale and I met there once, over a thousand years ago. Both of us in full armor. I remember introducing myself as the Black Knight, and Aziraphale asking, 'Is that you in there, Crawley?' And I corrected him, 'Crowley. Of course it's me. Why wouldn't it be?' Aziraphale asked, 'What in the world are you doing here?' Crowley replied, 'I had a temptation to take care of. Sir Lancelot and Queen Guinevere. Without my nudge, I doubt they would've even wasted a single glance on each other. But I tempted them, and it was the germ of the eventual downfall of the Court at Camelot. Merlin did what he could to undo the damage, but it was far too late. We had a lengthy argument and Merlin threatened to turn me into all sorts of unpleasant things, and threatened to banish to some fairly unpleasant places. But I had the last laugh, and he knew it. That night I went to visit Morgan le Fay and we celebrated the downfall of Camelot. The wine we celebrated with was a superb French vintage. One of my better temptations, if you ask me. Even better than my temptation of Mordred, which eventually caused him to kill King Arthur.”

Adam: “Are you still happy about what you did back then, Crowley?”

Crowley: “Mostly.”

Adam: “What did Aziraphale think about it?”

(Crowley looks uncomfortable)

Crowley: “He wasn't so pleased. We didn't speak to each other for at least a century after that. I wonder if he still holds a grudge about it. He probably forgave me. He has a habit of doing that. And really there are times when I didn't really deserve it. Like more recently when I told him that for an angel as clever as he is, how could he be so stupid when it came to whether the Almighty would help him or not. He said, 'I forgive you.' It was more than I could take. I basically told him it didn't really matter and that I would do my best to forget him. I even threatened to go to Alpha Centauri. Except I didn't go there. I couldn't. I would be too far away from him.”

(Hastur snorts)

Hastur: “There are your human emotions getting in the way. You do a perfectly good temptation in Athurian England. And then you insult your friend. Of course he wouldn't approve.”

Crowley: “But he forgave me.”

Hastur: “A demon or devil wouldn't have.”

Crowley: “I know. Maybe that's why I prefer his company over yours, Hastur.”

(Hastur frowns)

(the Clerk finishes helping other guests and turns back to Hastur, Crowley, and Adam)

Clerk: “If you're quite finished, that room on the sixth floor is still available if you want it.”

Hastur: “We do. Where do I sign?”

(the Clerk places a tablet computer in front of Hastur; he signs it with his forefinger; his forefinger emits tiny flames without damaging the tablet's screen)

Clerk: “Good. Check-out time is nine o'clock tomorrow morning. Stay beyond that and you'll have to pay for an additional day.”

Hastur: “We understand.”

Clerk: “There's a wet-bar in your room. Drink as much as you like; it's covered by what you're paying for one room, three occupants. Same for room service. Swimming pool is available all night, as well as all day tomorrow. The casino closes at three tomorrow morning. The red-light district section of the hotel is of course open twenty-four hours a day. There's video phone in your room. Dial 69 to reach the madam in charge of our red-light district. She will be happy to help you make your choices. There are usually plenty of very pleasant choices available. Succubi and inccubi, of course, but it means that whatever you can imagine, they can change shape into.”

Hastur: “Understood.”

Clerk: “Is there anything else you need to know?”

Hastur: “No. That should suffice.”

Clerk: “Have a nice night, then.”

(the Clerk turns to another pair of guests; behind them is a girl that reminds Adam of the one he met in the street on the Vestibule level; she doesn't look exactly like his earthly friend Pepper now; she has dark red hair and green eyes, and she's wearing a button-down shirt, jeans, and sneakers; she notices his gaze and her eyes widen; she gestures for him to come over to her; he does so)

Girl: “What are you doing here?”

Adam: “This was Hastur's idea. He thinks I'll enjoy it.”

Girl: “Not really your thing, is it?”

Adam: “I think I'm too young to be in a place like this.”

Girl: “Hell has no age limitations, whether you're as young a kid younger than we are or if you're six thousand years old or more.”

Adam: “I'm sorry if I said anything mean to you when we met earlier.”

Girl: “I wouldn't worry about it. I've heard worse from newly arrived damned souls and fallen angels. You wouldn't believe the tempers they have.”

(Adam smiles despite himself)

Adam: “I can imagine.”

Girl: “Are you going to be staying here tonight?”

(Adam nods)

Girl: “Maybe we can get together later? That is, if your chaperons don't mind?”

Adam: “They're not my – I'll ask.”

(he turns to Hastur and Crowley)

Adam: “Would it be all right if she and hung out?”

Crowley: “You do realize that she isn't human like your friend Pepper? You're the only human in Hell right now.”

(Adam nods)

(Crowley turns to Hastur)

Crowley: “If you have no objection?”

(Hastur shakes his head)

Hastur: “We're here to enjoy ourselves. It little matters in what ways we enjoy ourselves.”

(Hastur thinks that perhaps this will be the beginning of Adam's fall from grace; he doesn't seem to recognize that it's the same girl that they met on the Vestibule level; or perhaps he doesn't care; whatever and whoever provides Adam enough temptation to make him want to stay in Hell is fine by Hastur)

Crowley: “Just don't forget about the nine o'clock check-out time tomorrow morning.”

Adam: “I won't.”

(Adam and the girl leave the lobby and head down the hall to the atrium)

Adam: “I don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm Adam.”

Girl: “I'm Oreia.”

Adam: “That's a pretty name.”

(she smiles, pleased)

Oreia: “Thanks. Adam's a pretty nice name too.”

Adam: “Apparently it was either that or something like Warlock or Damien. My father preferred Adam.”

(Oreia looks at him, puzzled)

Oreia: “Why in the world would anyone call you Warlock or Damien?”

Adam: “I think it was one of the nuns at the hospital who must've thought it was funny.”

Oreia: “Were you born there?”

(Adam shakes his head as they enter the atrium)

Adam: “I was brought there in a basket. I didn't know who did it until years later. It turned out to be Crowley.”

Oreia: “The demon you were talking to in the lobby?”

(Adam nods)

Oreia: “Why would he be carrying you – as a baby – in a basket to a hospital run by nuns? That sounds rather odd for a demon to do.”

Adam: “To be honest, I don't think I've ever asked him about it. Maybe I should've.”

(they look for an unoccupied bench, and find one on the opposite side of the fountain at the center of the atrium; they sit down on; not right next to each other, but a foot or so apart)

Adam: “It's rather nice here. I didn't think a hotel in Hell would have an atrium.”

Oreia: “I think it's a new addition. It didn't originally have one. I think there was a massage parlor here at first. And then someone must've thought that an atrium would be an improvement.”

(Adam looks surprised)

Adam: “A massage parlor?”

Oreia: “Probably not the kind you're thinking of. This one included services that went beyond just massages.”

(Adam looks uncomfortable)

Adam: “I don't think I'd rather know what sort of services. Maybe when I'm older I might be more curious. But not right now.”

(Oreia smiles)

Oreia: “I keep forgetting how young you are. We don't usually get fallen angels or damned souls as young as you. There are exceptions, of course, but they're very rare.”

Adam: “What about you? Have you been in Hell a long time?”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “Several centuries. Being a shape-changer, it's easy to keep my appearance at a young age. I usually choose anywhere from about mid-teens to mid-twenties. Are you in your mid-teens?”

Adam: “Almost. I'm thirteen.”

Oreia: “Even younger than I thought you were. I must seem ancient compared to you.”

Adam: “Only age-wise. I remember my mother saying once that age is only a number. But you'd still better not say her actual age to her face. She'd get really upset.”

(Oreia softly laughs)

Oreia: “That isn't behavior you'd find here in Hell. But, then, we age far more slowly. Old age for succubi such as myself tends to be somewhere around two or three hundred years old.”

Adam: “Were you born here? Or, like Crowley, did you fall from heaven?”

Oreia: “I was one of the original demons down here before Lucifer, Satan, and the rest came. It wasn't anything special back then. There wasn't any division into the Nine Hells, for instance. It was just one layer. A very large layer, but still only one. Nothing like you'd find in the Abyss. Even now, the Abyss is still far deeper than the Ninth Circle of Hell. If you think Hell is scary, the Abyss makes Hell look safe and innocent in comparison.”

Adam: “You've been to the Abyss?”

Oreia: “I came from there. Travel between the two realms was less problematic when I was as young as you are. If you wanted to visit either place, you just went there. But today it's much more difficult. You need a proof of identification, not just name and realm, but which species, with an image of your natural shape. I look dreadful in mine. You wouldn't look twice at it.”

Adam: “Sounds like what my dad has had to deal with on Earth each time his job changes location. He's lived in several different countries, and some of them on entirely different continents.”

Oreia: “What about your mother?”

Adam: “She would go with him.”

Oreia: “And after you were born?”

Adam: “We were living in a small village by then. Lower Tadfield. It's a wonderful place. Perfect for kids like me. I have friends there my own age. I even have a pet dog. I call him 'Dog'.”

(Oreia looks wistful)

Oreia: “It makes me wish I'd grown up and lived in a place like that.”

Adam: “I guess you're not allowed to travel much anymore?”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “Too many restrictions. And if you break one of the infernal rules, it takes what feels like forever to undo it. Not that I've wanted to go back to the Abyss. But, now that you've talked about it, I wonder if I'd like visiting Earth.”

Adam: “You probably would.”

Oreia: “But not in my natural form. That would probably scare your fellow humans. I'd have to pick a different shape.”

Adam: “What about the one you're in right now?”

Oreia: “Do you like it?”

(Adam hesitates; he thinks about Pepper; but was he being disloyal to her? she wasn't here in Hell, after all; and did he have to tell her that he became friends with a succubus while he was in Hell? he didn't think so)

(Adam nods)

Adam: “You're really pretty. Even prettier than you were when we first met, when you were trying to pretend you were my friend Pepper.”

(Oreia blushes, and then is shocked by her reaction; she's never blushed before; ever; she smiles at Adam)

Oreia: “Tell you what. There's a really nice outside restaurant on the terrace along the backside of the hotel, just above a river. Granted, the river probably isn't much compared to what you have on Earth. The surface of the river is covered with flames, because top several feet of it is made up of oil and anything else that can burn.”

Adam: “I've never seen a burning river before.”

Oreia: “Really?”

(Adam nods)

Oreia: “Want to see it?”

(Adam nods again)

(they stand up; nearly hold each other's hand, but decide not to; then they scamper side-by-side across the half of the atrium opposite the hallway that led from the lobby; another hallway led off to the right, and then down a few flights of stairs before they reached the entrance of the restaurant; a demon host in tuxedo, black dress pants, black socks, and black dress shoes, stands behind a desk and politely waits to greet them)

(Oreia points across the restaurant at the glass windows that constitute the wall that faces the burning river; even from here, forty or fifty feet away, Adam can see the flames dancing along the surface of the river, almost as if the flames were alive; the winds aren't as strong in the area where the hotel is, unless they were when Adam and Hastur reached the bottom of the stairway from the level above)

Adam: “Wow.”

Oreia: “Why don't we pick a table next to one of the windows nearest the river?”

(Adam nods)

The host: “Are you ready?”

Oreia: “We are. We'd like one of the tables along the windows nearest the river. If there are any available.”

(the host checks his map of the eating area; it's on a computer screen in the surface of his desk)

The host: “One is just becoming available. If you'll wait a few minutes?”

(Adam and Oreia both nod, and stay standing near the host's desk)

The host: “Thank you.”

(a few minutes later, the host guides them to their table, hands them their menus, and departs for his desk)

(Adam, never having been out on a date before, doesn't know quite to do; Oreia senses this and smiles)

Oreia: “I believe it's traditional if the man seats the woman in her chair.”

(Adam looks slightly embarrassed)

Adam: “Oh. Sorry. I'm new to this.”

(Oreia doesn't comment)

(Adam seats her; she thanks him; he takes the seat opposite hers; she takes one menu and looks at it; he does the same with the other menu)

Adam: “Anything you'd recommend for a first-time visitor?”

(Oreia looks over the menu; it hasn't changed much since her last visit)

Oreia: “I would avoid the pomegranates.”

(Adam doesn't understand why, but agrees)

Adam: “Anything else I should avoid?”

Oreia: “The raw meat section. You really don't want to know where the raw meat came from.”

Adam: “Agreed. So what would you recommend, then, from what's left?”

(she looks at the appetizers, then the entrees, and then the drinks)

Oreia: “Let's start with wine. Or are you old enough to drink any?”

(Adam shakes his head)

Oreia: “Nonalcoholic drinks then. The juices are mostly safe, I think. Some might be mildly fermented, but not overly so.”

Adam: “Do they have soft drinks?”

Oreia: “Several. They're all carbonated and shouldn't give your stomach any problems. Flaming Pit. That's orange-flavored. Mount Etna. That's cola-flavored. San Andreas. That's lime-flavored. And a couple others that are okay. And then there's my favorite: Death by Design. It's a mixture of all the soda flavors.”

Adam: “I think I'll go with the San Andreas.”

(Oreia goes back to the appetizers)

Oreia: “There are a few appetizers that you should be able to digest. The rest – well, probably better that I don't tell you what they are and what they taste like. We demons come in many different varieties, with many different kinds of diets and likes and dislikes, when it comes to food and drink. What if we shared a bowl of avocado dip with nacho chips? The dip isn't too spicy. Might give your taste buds a tingle or two, but nothing serious like the equivalent of a fifteen-alarm fire.”

(Adam could only hope she wasn't being entirely serious, except when it came to what she thought he could drink and eat)

Adam: “Sounds good to me.”

Oreia: “And for the main entree, stay with the first page. Like I said before. The other pages tend to be mostly raw meat and other items for demonic diets that might make you lose your appetite if I were to describe them in detail.”

(Adam gulps, hopefully not noticeably)

Adam: “I'll go with anything you recommend. That's probably safest for me.”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “Fish fingers and fries. Real fish and real potatoes. They have to be smuggled, of course, but since this is all included with the price of your hotel room, there's no extra cost for the smuggled items.”

(they put the menus aside and wait for the waiter; who comes, takes their orders, and then leaves them alone again)

(Adam looks outside at the burning river)

Adam: “This seems so surreal compared to what I grew up with.”

Oreia: “Haven't you been to anything bigger than a village?”

(Adam nods)

Adam: “Mainly for school field trips. But I did get to go to the British Library earlier today.”

(Oreia looks interested)

Oreia: “We don't have many libraries here in Hell. It's so difficult to fireproof paper. These menus, for instance, are sealed in transparent fireproof glass. The libraries are effectively sealed off from the outside. You first have to enter an airlock, and once that's properly pressurized, the inner door opens and you can enter the library itself. Without such precautions, we probably wouldn't have any libraries at all. They would just burn until they were nothing but piles of ash.”

Adam: “What sort of books do you have in these libraries? Anything I might have heard of?”

Oreia: “Probably not. Food and drink can be smuggled into Hell, as I've already said. But we've had very poor luck with books. So the books we do have are mostly written by authors here in Hell.”

Adam: “Have I heard of any of them?”

Oreia: “Again, probably not.”

(the waiter returns with their drinks, then leaves again; they sip and Adam finds that his drink is rather nice-tasting; better than he'd expected; Oreia seems to like her drink too)

Adam: “Name some of the authors.”

Oreia: “All right. But they're probably completely unknown on Earth. There's Tremency Kohurnis. He writes both textbooks and mystery novels. There's Bagrum Ruks. He's famous for his Damnation Alley series. But he also teaches.”

Adam: “You're right. I haven't heard of either of them. And if you mentioned any others, I probably wouldn't have heard of them either. But textbooks and a teacher? There are schools here in Hell?”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “Mainly one-room schoolhouses. But there is one college on this level. I graduated from it a month before I turned fifty years old. I was in one of the earliest graduation classes.”

Adam: “What did you study?”

(Oreia makes a face)

Oreia: “So many questions you ask. And I've barely asked you any.”

(Adam looks sheepish)

Adam: “Sorry. I've never been on a date with a girl before.”

Oreia: “Not even with that girl you know on Earth? Pepper?”

(Adam shakes his head)

Adam: “We're just friends. We've been friends since we were five years old. But nothing serious.”

Oreia: “Poor thing. Maybe she hasn't gotten up the courage to ask you out.”

Adam: “Maybe. To be honest, I haven't had the courage to ask her out. So I guess we're both too nervous.”

Oreia: “It'll change as you get older. I remember the first date I had with an imp. It was here, actually. And he was quite the troublemaker. He kept setting fire to things. He burned our menus. The management did its best to get him to behave. But he just wouldn't. They finally had to have a big muscular demon come in, grab my date by the arms, and haul him out of the restaurant.”

Adam: “Not much of a date.”

Oreia: “I suppose not. He tried to ask me out on another date, but I refused. One bad experience was enough. I went out with an ifrit the next time. That was more successful. He would do magic while we were waiting for our drinks and food. Nothing dangerous. And sometimes the magic wouldn't happen the way he expected, which made us both laugh. I think I went out with him for several years, and then one day he was transferred to another place in Hell, far away from here.”

(Oreia looks sad)

Oreia: “I never saw him again.”

Adam: “I'm sorry to hear that.”

(the waiter returns with their appetizer and entrees, and then leaves them alone again; they take turns eating and talking)

Adam: “I like it here. They don't keep bothering you, asking if everything is okay, if you'd like anything else. They find you a table where you would like to be; they take your orders; they serve you; and then they leave you alone.”

Oreia: “Sounds like some things are better here in Hell than they are on Earth.”

(Adam nods)

Adam: “Some things are. But I do miss my parents, my dog, and my neighborhood friends. I just hope Dog isn't too unhappy. He doesn't like it when I go to school and have to leave him behind at home. When I get back from school, he's overjoyed. He even knocks me over sometimes.”

Oreia: “Maybe you could find a pet while you're here in Hell.”

(Adam shakes his head)

Adam: “It wouldn't be the same.”

Oreia: “It doesn't have to be. After all, you're here with me, and I'm not your friend Pepper. There's a place near here that breeds hell hounds. You can either get a pup or a full-grown hound. I got one from there once. A long time ago.”

Adam: “What was he like?”

Oreia: “She. It was a female hell hound. I called her Kali. She was wonderful. I just wish she could've lived longer.”

(Oreia looks sad)

Adam: “What happened to her? Or shouldn't I ask?”

(Oreia shrugs)

Oreia: “I suppose it doesn't really matter if I tell you. It happened four hundred years ago. After I graduated from college. I was living alone in an apartment building – this was before I moved to the Vestibule level – and wasn't enjoying being solitary. A neighbor across the hall told me about this place on the same level as the San Souci that bred hell hounds. Maybe I could find one.”

Adam: “The apartment owners didn't mind that you had a fire hazard as a pet?”

Oreia: “Oh, there were a few accidents every so often. Especially when Kali was still a pup. She hadn't learned to control her fire breathing yet. She would set fire to furniture, curtains, towels, clothing, and so on. The fire detector had to have its batteries replaced almost every week, because it would go off so frequently. The apartment manager suggested that I get a muzzle for Kali and I was horrified. I refused. Kali was my friend; she wasn't threatening anyone. At least, not intentionally. Finally, the management replaced what had gotten damaged with fireproof stuff. Had there been more demons interested in living in that building, they might've kicked me and Kali out. But we were on a mostly empty floor. Just me and my neighbor across the hall. What followed were several wonderful years. I didn't know I could be so happy here in Hell. It seemed like an impossibility.”

(Adam could sense she was leading up to something unpleasant)

Adam: “You don't have to tell me anymore, if you don't want to.”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “I know. But you'd probably ask some other time, so maybe it's better I'm clean here and now.”

Adam: “Come clean? You did something wrong?”

(Oreia hesitates)

Oreia: “It wasn't me that did it. To be honest, I don't really know who did it.”

(Oreia looks down at her mostly empty plate; she lays her fork and knife on it)

Oreia: “I came home one day, and instead of the usual happy barking coming from inside my apartment, there was silence. I couldn't imagine what had happened. Maybe Kali had gotten sick? Maybe she'd tried to eat something that disagreed with her stomach? The curtains? Bed sheets? I opened the front door, and there she was on the living room floor, lying on her side, tongue protruding partway out of her mouth. She wasn't moving. At first I thought she was asleep. But her hearing was so good she could hear me entering the apartment building twelve floors below the one we lived on. I knew she was dead. I knelt beside her, stroking the side of her head, her left ear where it draped across the back of her neck, the left side of her body. I don't know how long I knelt beside Kali's dead body when I heard someone knock on my apartment door. My neighbor called to me, but when I didn't answer, she pushed open the door (I'd forgotten to lock it). She saw where I was, and then saw Kali's dead body. We spent the rest of that night together. Not for any romantic reason. But for mutual comfort. She'd loved Kali almost as much as I had. And now we had both lost our mutual four-legged friend. We cried and cried until we couldn't cry anymore and fell asleep. When we woke up the next morning, thankfully neither of us had to be anywhere. I notified the management what had happened, and they sent over someone with a casket for Kali's body. It mostly fit her; we had to curled her legs under her belly. She looked like she asleep and I kept wishing she was. We closed the casket and carried out out of the apartment, down to the ground floor, and outside. There wasn't a graveyard (who in Hell would bury someone's body in the ground? they would probably have the body sent to one of the lakes of fire and dumped in it). I didn't want to do the usual thing, not with Kali's casket. We managed to dig a deep enough grave, laid Kali's casket in it, and then covered it up again. We didn't have anything to mark where her grave was. We stood there, arms around each other, remembering the good times we'd had with Kali over the last several years. Then we went back inside the apartment building. The management didn't ask us what we'd done with Kali's casket. My neighbor didn't suggest I get another pup. I couldn't. Not then. I needed time to grieve. A day later, one of Hell's bureaucracy visited me at my apartment, asking me all sorts of impertinent, all-too-personal questions. I tolerated them until they asked me about Kali. I decided that enough was enough. I had the distinct pleasure of grabbing them by the shoulders, shoving them toward the nearest window with my torso and legs, opening the window, and pushing them out of the window. I didn't even bother to see what they landed on twelve floors below. I just shut the window so that I didn't have to hear them scream all the way down.”

Adam: “Sounds like they deserved it.”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “They sure did.”

Adam: “But you still didn't get another pup.”

(Oreia shook her head)

Oreia: “It took a long time to get over Kali's death.”

Adam: “Did you ever find out who or what killed her?”

(Oreia nodded)

Oreia: “With the help of a friend of mine who lived in another apartment building, I learned that someone had broken into my apartment while I was away for the day. Kali must've attacked them. Whoever it was was powerful enough to kill her. They didn't even have the guts to apologize, but I didn't really expect them to. But they left a kind of calling-card. Unintentionally, probably. The calling-card helped us to track the killer down. It was one of the Infernal Security Force officers. Which meant that basically we had no legal leverage to take them to court. This is Hell, after all. The infernal rules are the ultimate judge and jury. But just because we couldn't take them to court and punish them that way, didn't mean that we were left with nothing we could do. My friend and I found as private a place as possible, and discussed what options we had. Some were fairly mild, such as just forget about it. Nothing we could do next would bring Kali back from the dead. Others were more extreme. My friend said the choice was mine, how mild or how extreme I wanted my vengeance to be. I chose extreme. We found out where the officer worked and what their schedule was. Well, suffice it to say, the officer didn't return to work as expected. Their body was never found. The ISF probably knew it was us, or at least that it was me, who was responsible. But without a body they couldn't do anything. Just as we couldn't do anything in court to Kali's killer. Talk about poetic justice. The system wouldn't help us when we needed it to. The system wouldn't help them when they needed it to.”

(the waiter returned; cleared the table of plates and utensils; then brought back an additional serving of our drinks; before leaving us alone again)

Adam: “I'm sorry about Kali.”

Oreia: “Thanks. So am I. Even after all these years, I can still see her in my mind. Hear her barking happily. Feel her tongue licking my face. Then I open my eyes and realize she's still dead and gone.”

(Oreia sighs, then moves her shoulders around)

Oreia: “Unless you want to go to your room, do you think you'd like to do something else? Together, I mean?”

Adam: “What did you have in mind?”

Oreia: “We could walk along the river. Not too close to it, of course.”

Adam: “I'd like that.”

(Oreia smiles)

Oreia: “So would I.”


	13. Chapter 13

(two people are standing on a balcony overlooking the restaurant; they can see the table that Adam and Oreia are sitting at, even if they can't hear what they're saying; one of the two people is Hastur, the other one is Crowley; Hastur is holding a report from the Infernal Security Forces; it's signed by Nergal, the head of the ISF; Hastur reads it and then folds it lengthwise before storing it away in an inside pocket of his blazer)

Hastur: “Oreia is playing a dangerous game, Crowley.”

Crowley: “Double agents usually have to. I had to do it myself. For a very long time. I managed to stay in the clear until Armageddon. If Aziraphale and I hadn't switched bodies, that would've been it or both of us. And of all the things that Hell lacks, it would have to be a rubber duck. Surely there has to be one somewhere in one of the Nine Circles. Maybe hidden away somewhere by someone who doesn't want the rest of Hell to know that they have one.”

Hastur: “Does Aziraphale know? That you're a double agent, I mean?”

Crowley: “Probably not. But I bet that Agnes does.”

(Hastur narrows his eyes and his horns smoke a little)

Hastur: “Damn that woman. It wasn't enough that she was burnt at the stake. It wasn't enough that her skirt pockets were filled with gunpowder and nails. It wasn't enough that the resulting explosion not only killed her but almost everyone in the village square.”

Crowley: “She's a witch. One of the best that ever was.”

Hastur: “And you don't know where she currently is?”

(Crowley shakes his head)

Crowley: “I have some ideas, but that's all they are. I've no proof that any of them have any substance. If you hadn't interfered at the British Library when you did, I might've learned not only about Agnes' bread box, but also about Agnes' whereabouts.”

Hastur: “If you're expecting me to apologize, don't bother.”

Crowley: “I didn't know that devils ever apologized. To apologize means admitting that you've made a mistake. And, of course, you lot never make mistakes.”

Hastur: “How I wish that were true.”

Crowley: “Maybe there's hope for Hell's denizens after all. After all, you can't all be thick. There has to be someone with brains down here.”

(Hastur's horns smoke a little more and his eyes narrow almost to horizontal slits)

Hastur: “Don't try to get me to change my mind. That Joint Judgment is happening tomorrow on Earth whether you and – your friend – want it to or not. This isn't like Armageddon. Like the Ten Commandments, this is set in stone.”

Crowley: “And here I thought you'd finally thank me for tempting Moses into destroying the first set of tablets. He had climb back to the top of Mount Sinai and ask God for another set of tablets. I thought you would've been pleased by it.”

Hastur: “You're trying to change the subject, Crowley.”

(Crowley shrugs and doesn't deny it)

Hastur: “Even if the succubus manages to seduce the boy and turn him into one of us, it won't stop the Joint Judgment.”

Crowley: “Which means you'll get two for the price of one. Adam turned to evil, and Aziraphale and myself finally put on trial and punished for six thousand years of misdeeds.”

(Hastur smiles, but not out of happiness; more out of satisfaction)

Hastur: “As you said in your car on Armageddon: 'You see? This day just keeps getting better and better.' You know what else you said?”

(Crowley shrugs again)

Crowley: “I remember, but no doubt you'll remind me anyway.”

Hastur: “ 'If you're gonna go, then go with style.' Which is when I said, 'I hate you!' and burned up and discorporated.”

Crowley: “That was definitely a good day, then.”

(Hastur tries not to lose his temper)

Hastur: “Once the trial is finished tomorrow and you and your friend are sentenced, your punishment will be one that neither Heaven nor Hell will ever forget. A moment that I've been looking forward to for a very very very long time.”

Crowley: “Don't gloat. It's not attractive. Not that you need to worry about ever being attractive. You've been ugly for so long, I'm not sure you'd know beauty if it came up and kicked you.”

(Hastur can barely resist the urge to grab Crowley around the throat and strangle him; the only thing stopping him is the realization that Crowley needs to stay in corporate form until tomorrow's trial; the Joint Judgment tribunal had decreed that both defendants were to be brought to tomorrow's trial intact; any prior damage or destruction would immediately invalidate tomorrow's trial and the charges would be dropped without any possibility of appeal from either Heaven or Hell)

(Damn them, Hastur thought; I wasn't going to hurt Crowley; at least – not much)

Hastur: “Why shouldn't I gloat? Things are finally going my way. Or, more precisely, going Hell's way. Why shouldn't I be pleased about that? You've wiggled out every previous time. But now you can't. What will happen tomorrow will happen, come Hell or high water.”

(Crowley glances over at Hastur)

Crowley: “If you've been so displeased with my behavior on earth all these thousands of years, why did you send me to Eden in the first place? I wasn't originally a demon or devil. I was a fallen angel. Fallen angels aren't completely evil. We're still partially good. Which Aziraphale noticed on more than one occasion. He even said to me when we were celebrating that Armageddon hadn't happened after all, 'I'd like to think that none of this would've happened if you weren't, at heart, just a little bit good.' “

Hastur: “And what did you say in return?”

Crowley: “ 'And if you weren't, deep down, just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing.' ”

(they watch was Oreia and Adam stand up and move away from their table; Oreia and Adam move towards the nearest exit to the hotel grounds outside the restaurant, and then take a path down toward the burning river)

Crowley: “What happens if she doesn't seduce him?”

Hastur: “She will be harshly punished. She may even be destroyed.”

Crowley: “Even if she might be of some use in the future?”

Hastur: “Failure is failure. There is no forgetfulness or forgiveness in Hell.”

(Hastur glances at Crowley)

Hastur: “I suppose it's different on Earth?”

Crowley: “Sometimes. Aziraphale is definitely more prone to forgiveness than I would ever be. I told him once, 'You're so clever. How can somebody as clever as you be so stupid?' ”

Hastur: “He probably didn't get angry at you.”

Crowley: “He didn't. He just looked unhappy and said, 'I forgive you'. Which isn't something I'm used to hearing. From anyone. Not even from him.”

Hastur: “Stay here in Hell long enough and you'll never have to worry about being forgiven again. Tempting?”

(Crowley shakes his head)

Crowley: “Not really.”

Hastur: “Well – it was worth a try.”

Crowley: “Tell you what. Why don't we go down there and have a drink or two?”

Hastur: “There's a wet-bar in our hotel room.”

Crowley: “I'm not exactly feeling agoraphobic right now. The restaurant looks much more appealing to me.”

(Hastur sighs)

Hastur: “The restaurant, then.”

(Hastur and Crowley take a lift down to the restaurant level; the host sits them at a table not far from where Oreia and Adam had been sitting; they sit down; they order drinks and the waiter heads for other tables, to help the other guests)

(from their table, Hastur and Crowley can see Oreia and Adam walking on the path that's just out of range of the flames on the river; gusts of wind blow Oreia's and Adam's hair this way and that, sometimes into their faces, forcing them to push the hair away from their faces)

Hastur: “They seem to be enjoying themselves. Her seduction of him may prove successful after all.”

Crowley: “Unless she changes her mind.”

(Hastur frowns at Crowley)

Hastur: “She wouldn't dare.”

Crowley: “It's a calculated risk. In your opinion, she stands to gain more if she does as she's told. In my opinion, she stands to gain more if she doesn't do what she's told. Want to make a bet as to which one will happen?”

Hastur: “I have no currency to bet with.”

Crowley: “Ah, but I do.”

(Crowley takes out some Pound Sterling notes and a mix of coins; he counts it; it comes to about 9 pounds and 6 pence)

Hastur: “Where did you get that from? Did you steal it?”

(Crowley shakes his head)

Crowley: “Well, not exactly. It was in the glove compartment of the car I borrowed earlier today. I didn't think the car's owner would mind the loss of some of his money. Especially if he went and jumped off that foot-bridge after all. As the mortals say, 'You can't take it with you.' ”

Hastur: “Did he? Jump, I mean.”

Crowley: “I don't know. He seemed pretty doubtful that he was going to do it after all. He thought that maybe a drink would help him decide whether to or not. I told him that that sounded like a good idea and that I would return the car after I was done using it.”

(Hastur looks disappointed)

Hastur: “You're losing your touch, Crowley. More proof that you've been around humans too long.”

(Crowley shrugs)

Hastur: “One problem, though: you don't have the car anymore.”

Crowley: “True. Last time I checked the Mini was inside the British Library, near the Terrace Restaurant. It's possible it's still there, or it might've been driven back to Aziraphale's bookshop. Regardless – similar to what Pontius Pilate said – it's out of my hands. The only difference is he washed his hands after he said it; I didn't wash mine. It didn't seem to matter whether I did or didn't.”

(Hastur doesn't say anything; every so often he glances in the direction that Oreia and Adam are walking in; if necessary, Hastur has a comm unit that allows him immediate contact with Nergal)

(Just give me the excuse I need to contact him, Oreia, Hastur thinks; I would enjoy so much watching as the ISF arrests you and takes you to their primary incarceration building for intensive interrogation)

(but she doesn't give him that excuse; maybe she's somewhat aware that among the eyes watching herself and Adam are Hastur's eyes; but she does hold Adam's left hand in her right hand; from their table, neither Hastur nor Crowley can clearly see the expression on Adam's face; Oreia and Adam are a little too far away from the restaurant; they're about to walk under an ornately decorated foot-bridge and pass out of sight)


	14. Chapter 14

(it's a few hours after dinner; dinner was prepared and cooked by Anathema and Aziraphale; it was served by both of them and Newt; they used the table next to the wall that's still covered with sheets of paper covered with notes written by Aziraphale on the days before Armageddon, when he was trying to figure out the name of and location of the Antichrist with the help of Agnes' book, “The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch”)

(now that dinner is over – the table was cleared, and the pots, dishes, etc. all cleaned, dried, and put away in the cupboards above the sink in the little kitchen – Anathema is grateful that it's only her pregnancy's first trimester, so that she can still stand up without too much trouble; Newt offers to help, but she tells him it isn't necessary; maybe in three or four more months, yes, but not until then)

Aziraphale: “I hope you and Newt don't have to leave just yet?”

Anathema: “We'll need somewhere to spend the night. Unless you're bookshop has a guest room or two hidden from view somewhere, we'll either have to get a room at a nearby hotel or head back home.”

Aziraphale: “As a matter of fact, upstairs there are some guest rooms. There were originally seven storage rooms up there, but not too long ago I had two of them converted into guest rooms. Not that I have any need of them. Angels don't sleep.”

(Nor do demons, Aziraphale added silently to himself)

Aziraphale: “If you and Newt would like one each or share one together, you are more than welcome to.”

(Anathema looks down at Newt; the latter nods)

Anathema: “One for both of us, please.”

Agnes: “I suppose I'll stay down here for now. Being dead has some advantages. Not needing sleep is one of them.”

Aziraphale: “Excellent. Now if you'll both follow me, Anathema and Newt, I'll show you the way upstairs and to your guest room.”

(Newt stands up, puts his empty tea-cup and saucer on Aziraphale's desk and accompanies Anathema as they both follow Aziraphale deeper into the bookshop; near the back door there is a black, iron spiral staircase; at the top of the staircase is a hallway heading towards the front of the bookshop; there are three doors on the left and four on the right; one guest room is behind the first door on the right; the other guest room is behind the third door on the right)

Aziraphale: “Which one would you prefer?”

(Anathema glances at Newt; the latter nods in the direction of the third door on the right)

Aziraphale: “I hope you don't mind. It's rather old-fashioned. The bed, for instance, is Victorian. It was saved when the house it was in was going to be demolished. I bought it and had it brought here. The rest of the guest room is more Edwardian. I hope you both won't mind?”

(Anathema and Newt shake their heads)

(Aziraphale takes a very old key-ring out of one of his blazer's pockets and inserts a very old key into the door lock, turns it, and pushes open the door; he flicks on the light-switch near the door; the bed is off to the left, its headboard resting near the left wall; there is a dresser nearby; in the right rear corner is a wardrobe that rather resembled the one in C.S. Lewis' first Narnia book)

Aziraphale: “If you need a night-dress and pajamas; you'll find them in the wardrobe. I'm not sure if any of them are your size. This is actually the first time I've had guests stay overnight in my bookshop.”

Newt: “Crowley never did?”

(Aziraphale shakes his head)

Aziraphale: “Not up on this floor. Since neither of us need sleep, we stayed downstairs.”

Anathema: “Do wake us up early. I don't want us to be late to your trial, after all.”

Aziraphale: “Understood. And if you like, I could put together an old-fashioned breakfast tomorrow morning. Maybe even a pot of coffee, if you'd like some.”

(Anathema smiles)

Anathema: “I'd like that. I can't remember the last time I had any. Especially since I moved from Los Angeles to London. There are the usual coffee shops like Starbuck's over here, but I thought that if I'm going to be living in England, I should drink tea like the English do.”

Aziraphale: “There is an increasing amount of us that enjoy coffee almost as much as you Americans do. But some of us are still old-fashioned and prefer tea. Not just at tea-time in the afternoon, but really any other time will also do quite well.”

(Aziraphale pauses)

Aziraphale: “Is there anything else I can do for you before you get ready for bed?”

(Anathema and Newt glance at each other)

Anathema: “I don't think so. Thank you for letting us stay overnight.”

Aziraphale: “My pleasure. See you both in the morning, then.”

(Aziraphale leaves, closing the door behind him)

(Newt looks around the guest room)

Newt: “It almost feels like it's the early 1900s. That overlapping time when the Victorian Age mixed with the Edwardian Age. I didn't think so much of it had survived over the last hundred years.”

(Anathema walks over to the bed; the pillows in their pillow-cases, the sheets, and the blankets look somewhat more modern than the bed is; she sits down on the end of the bed)

Anathema: “I think there are little bits of them left in places like this. Some people don't discard the past as soon as styles and/or fashions change.”

(Newt sits down next to her, glances up at the ceiling)

Newt: “Now I didn't expect to see that. It's definitely not Victorian or Edwardian. It looks like it would belong better on Carnaby Street in the mid- to late 1960s.”

(it was a painting of Biba, a 1960s model, painted in psychedelic colors)

(Anathema gives it a puzzled look)

Anathema: “You're right. It's so out-of-place. What in the world is it doing there?”

Newt: “Perhaps a leftover when Aziraphale lived through the 1960s? I wouldn't be surprised if he and Crowley hung out together back then.”

(Anathema looks around them and sees a framed photo on top of the dresser; she stands up, goes over to the dresser, picked up the framed photo and looks at it; she stifles a laugh)

Anathema: “You should see this. Crowley with the mod haircut. What a hoot. He must've been sitting inside his Bentley. Aziraphale is sitting next to him.”

(Newt comes over and soon they're both laughing)

Newt: “Maybe Aziraphale has stayed here in the past, but forgot? Because if he'd remembered, I think he would've taken this framed photo downstairs and put it on his desk. Considering how he and Crowley feel about each other, I mean.”

(Anathema soberly nods and puts the framed photo back where she found it)

Anathema: “I still can't believe that Heaven and Hell are going to such lengths to punish them for being in love with each other. You'd think Heaven at least would approve of two people in love, even if Hell was adamantly opposed to it (outside of seduction, that is).”

(Newt shrugs)

Newt: “Maybe the rules are more strict for angels and demons?”

Anathema: “Maybe. Or someone has a grudge about how Aziraphale and Crowley helped stop Armageddon from happening. And they've been waiting for another chance to punish them.”

Newt: “All are easily possible.”

(Newt walks over to the wardrobe and opens its right-hand door; hanging inside are several night-dresses that look like something Alice in Wonderland would've worn; next to them are about the same number of pajamas that look like something Lewis Carroll might've worn)

Newt: “ 'Curiouser and curiouser.' ”

(Anathema glances over at him)

Anathema: “Hmm? What do you mean?”

(Anathema joins him in front of the wardrobe)

Newt: “If no one's been up here, then why would anyone have these clothes stored away? Just in case?”

(Newt reaches as far inside the wardrobe as he can and bumps his hand against the back wall of it)

(Anathema softly laughs)

Anathema: “Now I know you've read the Narnia books. You were obviously hoping that you couldn't feel the back wall, weren't you?”

(Newt nods)

Newt: “Mum used to read the Narnia books to me at bedtime when I was a kid. When I was about to go to university, she gave them to me, saying, 'I didn't want to donate these to anywhere. I wanted to save them until today and then give them to you.' It was an original set from the 1950s. They probably originally belonged to my maternal grandparents and Mum inherited them.”

Anathema: “And now you have them. Maybe you can read from them, or I can, when our baby is old enough.”

(Newt turns to her and gently puts his arms around her; she does the same to him)

Newt: “I can't believe it.”

Anathema: “Oh, you'd better, buster. You were the one that made it happen.”

Newt: “You helped, though.”

(Anathema nods)

Anathema: “Earlier today, when I called you, you sounded a bit – um – a bit hesitant. As if you weren't quite sure how to react when I said that I was pregnant and you were going to be a father.”

Newt: “It's like someone opening a door, and suddenly you realize that there's a whole other world beyond that doorway. A place where things happen that you never thought you'd experience.”

Anathema: “Like the Pevensies going into the wardrobe and then to Narnia.”

(Newt nods)

Newt: “And I'm not even the one that's going to go through a huge amount of changes. I've got it easy.”

Anathema: “No kidding. The hormones – God – the hormones alone can turn your life upside-down. I'm surprised I was even remotely calm today. You should've seen me when I was speaking to you via my cell phone. I think my hand was shaking most of the time. And it was hard sometimes to keep my thoughts from scattering, or suddenly getting angry, or suddenly crying.”

Newt: “I don't think I could've handled it as well as you are. You're so much stronger than I am.”

(Anathema tries not to laugh)

Anathema: “I certainly haven't felt strong. Maybe at the British Library. But since then? Not really.”

Newt: “You're amazing. You really are.”

Anathema: “So are you.”

(Anathema gestures with one hand at the night-dresses and pajamas)

Anathema: “Maybe we should start trying them on and seeing if we can find any that fit us or at least somewhat fit us.”

(Newt nods)

(after trying almost all of them, the last night-dress and the next-to-last pajamas didn't fit too badly)

(Anathema looks down at her night-dress; it's long enough that it almost reaches down to her toes)

Anathema: “This must've been what it was like for my grandmother or great-grandmother when they got ready for bed.”

Newt: “It's not a whole lo better for me. At least the colors are subdued. I don't what I would've done if I'd been stuck with bright colors and stripes. Though polka-dots probably would've been all right.”

Anathema: “I can't imagine you in polka-dot pajamas, Newt.”

(Anathema laughs softly)

Anathema: “Maybe I should buy you a set of them, just to see what you look like in them.”

Newt: “No wild colors, please.”

Anathema: “Spoil-sport. All right, no wild colors. Maybe dark blue and green. Plaid?”

Newt: “Plaid would be okay.”

Anathema: “Plaid, then.”

(they close the wardrobe door and head back to the bed; along the way, Newt flicks off the light-switch near the door; at the bed, they pull back the blanket and all but one of the sheets, and get in bed; they pull the sheets and blanket up to their shoulders)

Newt: “You sure we should be in the same bed? I mean, this is a Victorian bed, after all.”

(Anathema tweaks his nose)

Anathema: “Do be serious.”

(Newt lies on his back, his head on a pillow; Anathema lies on her right side, laying her head on his chest, one arm around him; he puts one arm around her shoulders)

Newt: “I wish we had a bed like this at home.”

Anathema: “So do I. And the dresser. But not the painting of Biba on the ceiling.”

(Newt looks up at it; in the dark, the psychedelic-painted face seems surreal, almost dreamlike)

Newt: “It doesn't look so bad. At least it's not in bright day-glo colors. Could you imagine it in shocking yellow, orange, or pink?”

(Anathema looks up at it)

Anathema: “I'd rather not. Thanks. Now I'm going to have nightmares about it. You're a big help.”

(Newt laughs softly)

Newt: “Sorry. I shouldn't have laughed. I've certainly had my share of nightmares. But nothing quite like seeing that UFO landing in the field near the road I had stopped on. I thought it had to be someone's idea of a joke. A UFO? Seriously? A proper UFO, not like what you'd see in a Hollywood B-movie from the 1950s? And then the hatch in its side opened and two people in strange, pale-green-colored spacesuits stepped out. They saw me and came over. At first they spoke in some language that sounded like someone gargling and trying to speak Russian, Greek, or Arabic at the same time. Then one of them tapped the side of their helmet and the next thing I heard was perfectly good English.”

(Anathema didn't tease him about it; after all, Anathema had had her share of surprises during the days prior to Armageddon; getting hit by a car while she bicycling along a road through a forest at night was just one of them; the car turned out to be Crowley's, and Aziraphale was in the passenger seat; the bicycle was damaged at first, but then somehow it was fixed; the book however, Agnes Nutter's book, she couldn't find it; had it fallen out on the ground after the collision of car and bicycle? Later, though, she found out that Aziraphale had spotted it on the ground and taken it with him when they returned to London and the bookshop)

Anathema: “What did they say?”

Newt: “It was the strangest thing. It wasn't 'Take me to your leader' as the bad movies, cartoons, and comic strips usually said. Instead, they asked me where Tadfield Airbase was. I had to confess that I had no idea where it was located. They thanked me, went back to their spaceship, got back inside it, the front hatch closed, and the spaceship lifted up into the sky and sped away. Now – have you experienced anything as strange as that?”

(Anathema thought about it and decided she hadn't; she shook her head)

Anathema: “One other thing. Does it bother you that Aziraphale could tell what gender our baby was, and that Agnes had predicted our baby's name?”

Newt: “Does it bother you?”

Anathema: “Maybe a little. But it's also a relief that we don't really have to use a sonogram at a doctor's office to find out what gender our baby is. Before today, I wasn't too sure I wanted to go through that experience. Now I don't have to.”

Newt: “You don't want to see what our baby looks like?”

Anathema: “There probably isn't much to see yet. Over the next three or four months, there will probably a lot more changes and maybe then a sonogram would make sense. And I'll have to get used to the baby's kicks. Probably just his way of letting me know he's okay and he's glad to be inside me.”

Newt: “Are you scared of going through labor in six or seven months? And everything that happens afterward, until our baby is all grown up?”

(Anathema shook her head)

Anathema: “I won't be going through it alone. You'll be with me. We'll be going through it together.”

(Newt leans toward her and does his best to gently kiss her on the top of her head)

Newt: “Together.”

Anathema: “And we don't have to get married just yet?”

Newt: “Not unless your parents or my parents fuss about it.”

Anathema: “Which they might. In which case, we could always elope.”

Newt: “That sounds more like us. Eloping. Not a wedding in a church or chapel or on a beach. Just a quick ceremony, exchange of vows, rings, and kisses, and then we're officially married.”

Anathema: “But no hurry for now.”

Newt: “None whatsoever. Let's try to enjoy the experience of pregnancy and becoming parents as much as possible. After that, we can discuss eloping and where to get married.”

(Anathema smiles and nods)

Anathema: “I just realized – if it weren't for Armageddon and Agnes Nutter's book – we probably would never have met and done everything we've done together.”

Newt: “If there really is a silver lining to any dark cloud, I think there is an equivalent on Armageddon. It doesn't have to be all bad. There can be good experiences too.”

Anathema: “And since Armageddon didn't happen, we can think about the future. A future together. All three of us.”

Newt: “I like the sound of that. 'All three of us.' ”

(Anathema nods)

Anathema: “So do I.”

Newt: “Good night, darling.”

Anathema: “Good night, dearest.”

Newt: “I hope you'll have pretty pink dreams.”

(Anathema is about to say the same back to him, when she realizes it doesn't really apply to him)

Anathema: “And I hope you'll have happy dreams.”

(they kiss, close their eyes, and drift off to sleep)


	15. Chapter 15

(Adam's dad has searched the house from top to bottom)

(Adam's Mum gives him a puzzled look)

Adam's Mum: “Whatever is the matter with you?”

Adam's dad: “I can't find Adam. He should be home by now.”

Adam's Mum: “He said he was going to the British Library in London with Anathema. Perhaps whatever they needed to do there took longer than expected. He'll call soon enough and let us know where he is. He's a good boy, dear. He wouldn't do anything that would unnecessarily worry us. Just sit down with your newspaper and be patient.”

Adam's dad: “You're like a storm anchor in the middle of a Force 5 gale. No matter how daft things get around you, you weather it, and go on with your life.”

Adam's Mum: “It's certainly less stressful that way. You'll give yourself an ulcer or two if you keep stressing yourself like you are. Just relax and take it easy.”

Adam's dad: “I'd be all right with it if he was, for instance, at one of his friends' homes. Like Pepper's. She's a smart girl. Sensible. She wouldn't do anything dangerous.”

Adam's Mum: “She went with Adam and Brian to Tadfield Airbase. On their bicycles. I'm still not entirely sure why, but at least they were safe there. The Americans at the airbase probably took good care of them until you arrived to take Adam and his friends home.”

Adam's dad: “Adam still hasn't told me everything that happened that day. It's as if there's some sort of secret that he can't – or doesn't want to – share with either of us.”

Adam's Mum: “Did they break any rules?”

Adam's dad: “Outside of riding through the gate and onto the airfield, I don't think so.”

Adam's Mum: “Then I wouldn't worry. Adam knows to call if he's going to be anywhere for longer than expected. We raised him well.”

(Adam's dog, Dog, comes into the living room, making mournful sounds, his tail drooping onto the floor)

Adam's Mum: “Oh, the poor thing. It's all right, Dog. Adam's going to be back. He's not in any danger.”

(Dog doesn't seem convinced, but he walks over to her and she pets him; then he walks over to Adam's dad and gets petted by him; then Dog walked to the middle of the living room, and lies down)

Adam's dad: “I just hope you're right, dear. Wherever he is, I hope he's safe and sound.”

Adam's Mum: “And if he gets into trouble or has a problem of some kind, he knows to dial 999 for help.”

Adam's dad: “But what if he's somewhere where there isn't any mobile connectivity?”

Adam's Mum: “Now you're making me nervous.”

Adam's dad: “Sorry. I just wish he was home, here with us.”

Adam's Mum: “So do I.”

(when they're getting ready for bed a few hours later, they realize that Adam still isn't home; he isn't in his bedroom; and he hasn't called)

Adam's dad: “If he doesn't return by breakfast-time tomorrow, I'm calling the police.”

(Adam's Mum thinks that that might be going a bit far, but maybe he's right; she nods agreement)


	16. Chapter 16

(Oreia leads Adam under the ornate foot-bridge, out of sight of both the restaurant and San Souci hotel complex)

Oreia: “Under here. It's not as hot here and the noise of the burning river going by will drown out our voices. Still, try to keep your voice low.”

(Adam nods; he and Oreia sit down, their backs against the wall along one side of the burning river)

Adam: “How do you know about this?”

Oreia: “I've been here before. With a friend. We needed privacy and this did the trick.”

Adam: “What sort of friend?”

Oreia: “A friend I could trust and still can. Okay? If you want to know more about him, he's a demon. An incubus.”

Adam: “And, like you, no friend of Hastur.”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “I'm sorry I can't tell you more about him. The less you know, the less you can be forced to tell someone like Hastur. I need to protect my friend and the group we're in.”

Adam: “Got it.”

Oreia: “I need to protect you, too. As long as you're in Hell, you're in danger.”

Adam: “Well, there's not much I can do about that. For all intents and purposes, I'm a prisoner here. And Hastur said the powers I inherited from my infernal father won't work here.”

Oreia: “Yes, they will.”

Adam: “But –”

Oreia: “Hastur lied to you. Don't take it personally. He lies to practically every one. It's a trait that he picked up from Lord Satan, the Prince of Lies.”

Adam: “You're absolutely sure about this?”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “Try doing something you could do on Earth.”

(Adam tries to remember when he did something his parents and his friends couldn't do)

Oreia: “There must be something. Oh, I don't know. Get angry. Or try to break something.”

(Adam looks at the burning river; the flames suddenly grow in size, spreading across the underside of the foot-bridge because there isn't enough room for the flames to rise any further; the heat is like when Adam opened the oven at home when the oven was on, only a lot hotter; then the flames shrink back to their normal size and the heat drops back to something tolerable)

Adam: “Wow. I didn't know I could do that.”

Oreia: “You can probably do a lot more than that. But you need to learn how to make it happen when you want it to happen.”

Adam: “Sounds like I need a teacher or a trainer.”

(Oreia nods)

Adam: “Did you need one when you were learning to do what you can do?”

(Oreia nods again)

(Adam leans forward and looks back toward the hotel; somewhere inside it were Hastur and Crowley; if Hastur could lie to Adam, then what would stop Crowley from doing the same? That was an unpleasant thought and probably not worthy of Crowley; but how well did Adam know Crowley? Certainly nowhere near as well as Aziraphale did, or as well as Hastur did. Now that Crowley was back in Hell, would Crowley start thinking and acting more like a demon and less like a human?)

Adam: “I wish that there was some way I could go back to Earth, back to Aziraphale's bookshop in London, or, best of all, back to my parents' house in Lower Tadfield.”

Oreia: “I think I know a way you could go back to any of those places. But it can only be used once.”

(Adam looks at her)

Adam: “Can more than one person use it?”

Oreia: “I don't know. I've only heard of it being used by one person, so I assumed that only one person could use it. Why? What did you have in mind?”

(Adam thinks fast)

Adam: “What if we both used it?”

(Oreia stares at him)

Oreia: “Adam – I'm a demon, not a human like you, or an angel. I can't leave Hell.”

Adam: “Why not? Because someone like Hastur said you couldn't? Or maybe it's your mysterious friend, the one you can't tell me much about?”

(Oreia gives him an angry look)

Oreia: “His name is Kraz. We've been friends for more than a century. He's never said or done anything that would put me in danger. And I don't think he would do it now. Not even if someone forced him to. So if you think he's capable of betraying me, you'd better forget about it. Okay?”

(Adam unhappily nods)

Adam: “Okay.”

(Oreia calms down)

Oreia: “I'm sorry, but I have very few friends in Hell. Kraz is one of them.”

Adam: “What about me?”

Oreia: “And you're another one.”

(Oreia sees the unhappy look on his face)

Oreia: “I think you've been here too long already. You're starting to be just like one of the demons or devils.”

Adam: “How can you tell?”

Oreia: “It starts with being suspicious. A lack of trust.”

Adam: “Does it get worse than that?”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “Much worse. That's why I want to help you to get away from Hell. It's not a good place for any mortal. It just twists you, damages you, and eventually – like Crowley – you become one of the demons. Damned for all Eternity.”

Adam: “Are you damned?”

(Oreia nods again)

Oreia: “Which is why I don't think it's wise for me to go with you, even if I can. I don't belong on Earth. I belong here. I want to make things better here. Like they were before Lucifer, Hastur, and the other Fallen Angels came to Hell. It wasn't a lot better back then, but it was better than it is now.”

Adam: “And if I don't want to leave you behind?”

(Oreia gives him a pleading look)

Oreia: “Adam – you have to. Please believe me. The longer you stay, the more likely I'll do something – or you'll do something – that we'll both regret.”

(Adam unhappily nods agreement)

Adam: “Okay. Just show me how to do it and I'll leave here.”

(Oreia pulls a flat, square-shaped object – at first it looked like smoke – Oreia swept her hand across it and it looked like a piece of slate, like one-room schoolhouses on Earth used to use – she swept her hand across a second time, and then it looked like a tablet computer)

Adam: “Where did you find that?”

Oreia: “I stole it. Don't ask me where, don't ask me how.”

Adam: “Can I ask why you stole it?”

Oreia: “I thought maybe I could use it to travel to the Abyss. I've heard that things are a little better there than they are here. But then –”

(Oreia hesitates)

Adam: “But then?”

Oreia: “I met you. And I realized that it would be more useful to you, than it would be to me. It could help you escape from Hell.”

Adam: “And you're willing to use to help me, even though we don't know each other that well?”

Oreia: “There's something about you, Adam. Something that makes people trust you. It's probably like that on Earth. It's why your parents trust you. It's why your friends trust you. It's why anyone you come into contact would trust you.”

Adam: “Even Hastur?”

Oreia: “Maybe not him. But lesser beings. Like Crowley. Like me.”

(Adam reaches out and holds one of her hands in one of his)

Adam: “It's nice to have friends. Even in a place as terrible as this.”

Oreia: “You won't forget me, will you? When you're back on Earth?”

(Adam thinks about it, then shakes his head)

Adam: “Not a chance, Oreia. But I might not be able to tell anyone about you. Well, maybe a few people, but not my parents, or my friends, or anyone at my school. They'd think I imagined all this.”

(Oreia smiles)

Oreia: “All right. Here. Take it.”

(Oreia hands it to him; he takes it, holding it like she had, with the screen-like surface facing up)

Oreia: “Place the hand that isn't holding it on the top side.”

(Adam releases her hand and does what she said to do; the surface doesn't feel like a computer screen; it seems to be switching from quicksilver to sandpaper and back again, over and over, several times every few seconds)

Oreia: “It's active. It recognizes you.”

Adam: “Now what?”

Oreia: “Keep it there for a little while longer. It needs to open the path from here to Earth. If it suddenly feels warm, it's almost ready to transport you.”

Adam: “Will you remember me?”

Oreia: “Always.”

(the screen flashes a few times, like flashes of lightning in a storm, but isn't warm yet)

Oreia: “That's odd. It should be ready by now.”

Adam: “Maybe I should lay it in my lap.”

Oreia: “Try it and see.”

(Adam lays the item in his lap, which means that hand is now free; he'll have to act quickly, before she can try to prevent it)

(the screen begins to feel warm)

Oreia: “There! Now it's ready!”

(Adam grabs one of her hands with his free hand; Oreia tries to free herself, but can't)

Oreia: “No, no, Adam! Please, no! I have to stay here! I have to –”

(then it's like they're soaring or sliding through a long tunnel; they aren't in Hell anymore; they're somewhere else in between Hell and Earth; what looks like shooting stars flash past until the “stars” blur into long, narrow cloud filled with an inner light)

(then suddenly they fall onto a hard surface; it doesn't feel like rock or metal; in fact, it feels like wood)

(they look around and can't see much; it's too dark; but there's something above them; several things that are dangling down from above their heads)

(they feel around themselves; behind them is a solid wall, which also feels like wood; ahead of them is another wooden wall, but it seems to have a very narrow vertical crack down the middle of it; almost as if it was a pair of doors; Adam pushes on the left half of the “wall” and pops open and around to their left)

(they seems to be in a room; there's a bed against the wall to their right; to its right is a dresser)

(Oreia whispers to Adam)

Oreia: “Where are we? Is this somewhere on Earth?”

(Adam whispers back to her)

Adam: “I think so. But I've never been here. There has to be some sort of light source. Maybe a light switch on one of the walls.”

(they step out of whatever they arrived in; it seems to be an old-fashioned wardrobe; the light coming through the window near the bed isn't morning daylight yet, but it's getting closer to it; Adam looks at the bed again; there seems to be someone, or two people, asleep in it; he quietly goes over to the room's only door; there's a light switch next to it; he flicks it upward)

(now Adam can see the two people in the bed and the small night-table between the bed and the wall near the bed's left side; there are two pairs of eyeglasses on the night-table; the two people seem to be a man and a woman; he doesn't recognize the man just yet, but he does recognize the woman and out of surprise he speaks louder than he meant to)

Adam: “Anathema?”

(the woman's head turns toward him and she sits upright; she puts on one of the pairs of eyeglasses and looks at him)

Anathema: “Adam? What in the world are you doing here? How did you get here?”

(the man next to her wakes up and she hands him his pair of eyeglasses; he puts them on and tries not to stare at Adam and Oreia)

Adam: “It's a long story.”

Anathema: “And who is she?”

Adam: “Anathema – this is Oreia. Oreia – this is Anathema.”

(the man interrupts as politely as he can)

Man: “And Newt.”

Adam: “And Newt.”

Newt: “Anathema's boyfriend.”

(Anathema gets out of bed and Adam notices she's in an old-fashioned night-dress)

Anathema: “If you two are here, then where is Crowley?”

Adam: “He's still at the San Souci Hotel in Hell, I think. With Hastur. I think they're going to be rather surprised when I don't return to the hotel and they can't find me.”

Anathema: “Surprised is putting it mildly. Especially in Hastur's case. He's probably going to be furious.”

Adam: “Where are we?”

Newt: “Upstairs at Aziraphale's bookshop. He's downstairs, probably talking with Agnes. Well, with her head; that's all we've been able to see of her.”

Adam: “Agnes? Agnes Nutter? The witch whose bread box we were trying to find at the British Library?”

Anathema: “One and the same. She came back here with me after you and Crowley disappeared with Hastur. Then about an hour or so later, Newt came and joined us.”

(Adam looks at the bedroom window; it's much lighter than it was a few minutes ago)

Adam: “Is it the morning of the day of the trial”

(Anathema and Newt both nod)

Adam: “I was hoping all that was a massive practical joke. But I guess it's real after all.”

Anathema: “Very real. I'm guessing that Crowley will be coming back to Earth in several hours, if not sooner. And probably accompanied at the very least by Hastur.”

Oreia: “I'm not sure I understand. What trial and who is being tried at it?”

Anathema: “There's to be a Joint Judgment at noon today at Glastonbury Tor. It's an ancient place west of London. Representatives from both Heaven and Hell will be there, along with the two defendants, Aziraphale (an angel) and Crowley (a demon, who used to be a Fallen Angel).”

Oreia: “And they're being tried because –?”

Anthema: “They fell in love with each other. I suppose that in Heaven's and Hell's opinion, it was bad enough that Armageddon never happened. They've already tried once to punish Aziraphale and Crowley. But that failed because they switched places. I think Heaven and Hell are determined that Aziraphale and Crowley are going to be tried and punished no matter what. No matter how much time and effort it takes.”

Oreia: “And I thought being a demon was already punishment enough. Heaven and Hell's reaction seems a bit extreme to me. But I'm just a lower-order succubus, so maybe I'll never understand why Heaven and Hell made the decision that they made.”

(Newt tries not to stare at Oreia)

Newt: “You're a what?”

(Oreia looks uncomfortable and then looks at Adam)

Oreia: “Think they'll mind knowing the truth?”

Adam: “Anathema is a witch. I don't think it'll bother her much. But Newt used to be a witch-hunter. It might bother him more.”

Newt: “I'm not bothered by it. Confused, perhaps, but not bothered.”

(Anathema makes a face at him)

Anathema: “You've seen a UFO. What's so unusual about a succubus?”

Newt: “I've never seen one before.”

Anathema: “And now you have. Look – it's sunrise or close enough. Why don't we head downstairs and let Aziraphale know that he has two more guests? He said something last night about making breakfast today for all of us. I don't think he'll mind too much if there are two extra stomachs.”

(the other three nod agreement)

(Anathema and Newt get out of bed; the four of them leave the guest room, climb down the spiral staircase near the back door of the bookshop, and then head over to Aziraphale's desk)

(there isn't anyone there; but there are sounds and smells of cooking and preparations for breakfast in the little kitchen; they head for the kitchen where they find Aziraphale happily cooking and chatting with the Agnes Nutter's ghostly head; Aziraphale hears them approach, turns, and pauses)

Aziraphale: “Oh my. I was expecting you both, Anathema and Newt. But when did Adam and his friend arrive? I thought Adam was still in Hell, with Hastur and Crowley.”

Adam: “We just arrived – inside the wardrobe in Anathema's and Newt's guest room – about five or ten minutes ago. When I was still in Hell, my new friend Oreia told me about a way to return here. I didn't want to leave her behind. So we both came.”

(Oreia makes a face)

Oreia: “Not entirely willingly on my part, but what's done is done.”

(Aziraphale shrugs and smiles)

Aziraphale: “I'll just double what I'm cooking. That's no trouble. Crepes, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage links, toast, and omelets if anyone wants one. Besides myself, I mean.”

(Aziraphale points at the cupboard above the sink)

Aziraphale: “You can get two more plates and glasses from there. The utensils are in the drawer to the right of the sink. Breakfast should be cooked and ready to serve in about ten minutes. There are still plenty of baked goods from yesterday morning that you're welcome to. If they aren't stale by now, I mean. If they are, I can always bake more.”

(breakfast is a comparatively cheerful affair, even with the upcoming noontime trial on their minds; there's just enough room, with a little squishing here and there, for all five of them (since Agnes wouldn't be eating) at the same table that dinner was at the night before)

Aziraphale: “I confess that I don't think my homemade crepes are anywhere near as good as the ones that they make in Paris. But I'm probably biased. At least this time I won't run the risk of getting arrested, wrists and ankles chained up, and thrown in a cell in the Bastille. Or executed by La Guillotine. for that matter.”

Agnes: “It was hardly the best time to feel peckish for some crepes, Aziraphale. 1793, in the middle of the French Revolution. I hope you weren't dressed in your best?”

Aziraphale: “Of course I was.”

Agnes: “Then they probably mistook you for a French nobleman.”

Aziraphale: “In any case, Crowley found me in the Bastille and freed me. So no harm done.”

(Anathema tries not to snort)

Anathema: “I'm not sure I would've reacted as calmly. But then again, I'm a human witch, not an angel. You probably don't have much to fear. Except maybe getting burned to death in a column of fire in Heaven. And you escaped that as well.”

Aziraphale: “If you must know, I tried to learn my lesson. I didn't go back to Paris for crepes until the Second World War. It was during the Nazi Occupation.”

Anathema: “If you were human, I'd say you have a death-wish.”

Aziraphale: “Laugh if you must. There are no crepes in Heaven. Or sushi, for that matter. Oh, the things that you humans concoct in your kitchens and restaurants. I can't understand why any angel or demon would want to return to their respective realms after experiencing human cooking here on Earth.”

(Newt is enjoying the meal more than he's enjoying the conversation)

Newt: “I wish I had half your skill in cooking.”

(Anathema nudges him with her elbow)

Anathema: “I did offer to teach you what I knew. I have some recipes that go back a long time. I think some came from you, Agnes.”

(Agnes nods)

Agnes: “Being a witch doesn't mean that you can't be an excellent cook as well. But being a dead witch does have unfortunate restrictions. For instance, I wish I could try some of that food. And the juice, coffee, and tea. But I can't.”

Aziraphale: “You could, if you found someone to share a body with. I managed it with Madame Tracey's help. Maybe she could help you, too.”

Agnes: “Perhaps.”

(Agnes chuckles softly)

Agnes: “You're certainly in good mood and appetite on the morning of your trial, Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale: “Humans have a saying about a condemned man. He's allowed to have one last meal of his choosing. And this is my choosing. This food, these drinks, and the excellent company. Your ghostly company included, Agnes.”

Agnes: “I still think that you should read more of the prophecies I wrote in my pamphlet. I can't understand why you don't want to take advantage of them.”

Anathema: “Not everyone wants to know what the future will be. Sometimes it's nice to be surprised.”

Agnes: “Did you mind finding out that you were pregnant with a baby boy?”

(Anathema shook her head)

Agnes: “Or that you'd be naming him Joshua?”

(Anathema shook her head again)

Anathema: “Though there's still time to change his name to something else. If Newt and I find a name that we prefer instead.”

Agnes: “What's wrong with Joshua?”

Anathema: “Nothing.”

(Newt nods agreement; he has food in his mouth)

Agnes: “It was good enough for Jesus. Though he had the Aramaic version: Yeshua.”

Anathema: “But why does it have to be Joshua? Wouldn't any other name do just as well?”

Agnes: “If God wants something a certain way, it will be that way. It's rare that his decision can be thwarted or avoided. And doing so can sometimes lead to consequences, usually unpleasant ones.”

Aziraphale: “Would you like some more food? After all, you eating for two now.”

Anathema: “Maybe a little of that excellent omelet you made.”

(Aziraphale nods and cuts her a narrow slice of it, puts it on a small plate and hands the plate to her)

Aziraphale: “There you go.”

Anathema: “Thank you. Maybe next time you could make a quiche?”

Aziraphale: “An excellent suggestion! I shall indeed. If all goes well today, I mean.”

Agnes: “I suppose there's nothing to say that will change your moods. You're gambling that things will turn out well. Not me. I don't gamble. I'm a realist.”

Aziraphale: “And you are more than welcome to continuing being one. I don't recall criticizing you for being one.”

Agnes: “True.”

Oreia: “Aziraphale? Do you think there will be enough time to get to wherever Glastonbury Tor is?”

Aziraphale: “We can take a train there and then perhaps catch a cab or take a bus to the Tor. It's quite a popular place for younger humans like Anathema and Newt. I believe there's even an annual music festival there that can get quite crowded. And noisy and rambunctious at times.”

(Oreia turns to Adam; they don't want to eat or drink anything more)

Oreia: “Could we go somewhere where we can speak in private?”

Adam: “Is there a problem? I mean, beyond my dragging you here against your will.”

(Aziraphale interrupts)

Aziraphale: “You can go out the back door, where the Mini is parked. It's usually fairly quiet there. If you haven't come back inside by the time we're ready to head for the train station here in London, we'll know where you are and can let you know it's time to depart. And don't worry about the washing-up. There should be enough time to do it before we leave. Or if not, it can wait until after the trial.”

(Oreia and Adam nod; they stand up and head for the back door of the bookshop; as Aziraphale said, it was quiet outside; there was no one else; the only inanimate company they had was the Mini; they stand side-by-side, sometimes leaning against the exterior wall of the bookshop)

Adam: “I'm sorry that I dragged you here, Oreia.”

Oreia: “No need to apologize. I think I can understand why you did it.”

(Adam turns to face her)

Adam: “Then please tell me what I've done to make you unhappy. You have such a pretty face and a really nice smile.”

(Oreia smiles despite herself)

Oreia: “You really are a charmer. You know that?”

Adam: “Feeling better now?”

(Oreia stops smiling)

Oreia: “Not entirely. Adam – your friend Pepper. Do you think that she'd mind if you had a new friend?”

Adam: “I don't think so. Why do you ask?”

Oreia: “Because I think if I were her, I'd be jealous of anyone that came between you and her.”

(Adam looks at her, a little puzzled)

Adam: “Pepper and I aren't dating, if that's what you mean. We're good friends. We've been good friends since we were about four or five years old.”

Oreia: “And you don't think that – maybe – just maybe – she might like you better than as just a good friend?”

Adam: “You mean like Aziraphale and Crowley?”

(Oreia nods)

(Adam thinks about it)

Adam: “I don't know. I don't think Pepper and I have ever discussed it. We've always seemed to be okay with being good friends. After all, it wouldn't hurt my feelings if she found someone that she wanted to be more than good friends with.”

(Oreia turns to face him)

Oreia: “But you're a boy, not a girl. We don't think the same way. At least we succubi don't. It might be similar with human girls. I just don't think you should risk hurting Pepper's feelings.”

Adam: “I wouldn't want to. Hurt her feelings, I mean. Besides, she's back in Lower Tadfield and I'm here in London. She wouldn't know I was with you. She wouldn't even know that you existed. Or are you suggesting that I tell her, so that she isn't caught by surprise? So that she learns it from me, instead of from someone else?”

Oreia: “It might be the least difficult way to handle it. Remember, I have at least a few centuries more life experience than you have. I can give you the benefit of what I've learned. It prove to be worthwhile to you.”

Adam: “It already has been. Oreia?”

(Oreia nods, but says nothing)

Adam: “I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings, either. If there's some way to get you back to Hell after the trial, would you want to go back there?”

(Oreia thinks about it)

Oreia: “I don't know. I've never been anywhere except Hell. It's all I've ever known until you brought me to Earth with you.”

Adam: “Is that a yes or a no or a maybe?”

Oreia: “For now, probably a maybe.”

(Oreia laughs softly, shakes her head; she looks younger than she did in Hell; more like a girl his own age)

Oreia: “It's funny. I've been through relationships before. Some didn't last long. Others lasted for decades. One even last for over a century. But now that I've met you, all those past relationships seem dream-like to me. Like they never really happened to me. Hell is already feeling like that. If I stay here on Earth much longer, Hell will probably fade in my memory. Along with everyone and everything I've known there.”

Adam: “Would that be a bad thing?”

(Oreia smiles, reaches out and strokes his left cheek)

Oreia: “Ask me that after trial. Or, better yet, ask me tomorrow morning. After I've had some more time to think about it.”

Adam: “I'm glad I did bring you with me, Oreia. Even if that sounds selfish of me.”

Oreia: “I wonder if I would've done the same. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.”

(they're about to go back inside the bookshop when Adam remembers something)

Adam: “I hope Aziraphale has a phone in his bookshop.”

Oreia: “A what?”

Adam: “Telephone. For talking with people who aren't in the same room or even the same building as you are. Don't they have them in Hell?”

Oreia: “I think we have video phones. In any case, why do you need one?”

Adam: “I need to call my parents. Let them know I'm okay and where I am.”

Oreia: “Don't tell them about me.”

(Adam shakes his head)

Adam: “Not yet. But if you do decide stay here on Earth instead of going back to Hell, I'll probably have to tell them about you someday. I wouldn't worry, though. They're really nice. They'd probably like meeting you.”

Oreia: “If they're anything like you, I probably would like to meet them. But that can wait for now. Let's find that telephone first.”


	17. Chapter 17

(Hastur makes a face)

Hastur: “They should be back by now.”

(Crowley doesn't look worried)

Crowley: “Give them time. Maybe they're having a tender moment.”

(Hastur frowns at Crowley)

Hastur: “I'd feel better if they were, but … I don't trust this.”

(Hastur signals to a nearby waiter; the waiter comes over)

Waiter: “Yes, sir? Would you like anything else?”

Hastur: “Send someone over to that foot-bridge.”

(Hastur points at it)

Hastur: “The area under it. If two people are found under it, bring them back here. By force, if necessary.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir!”

(in less than a minute, one of the restaurant's employees can be seen running pell-mell toward the foot-bridge and follows the path under it)

Hastur: “She's too old to make immature mistakes like this. Too old and too experienced.”

Crowley: “You're worrying too much.”

Hastur: “Am I? Maybe you're not worrying enough.”

(Hastur looks at Crowley's empty wine glass)

Hastur: “And drinking too much.”

Crowley: “Leave my drinking habits out of this. If I care to get drunk, that's my problem, not yours.”

(Hastur frowns at him; the employee races back, holding something like loose gravel in his hands; the employee hands it to the waiter)

Waiter: “Sir? There wasn't anyone there. This is all that they found.”

(the waiter lays the loose “gravel” on the tabletop – the “gravel” turns out to be mostly smashed pieces of some kind of flat, rectangular equipment; it's very hard to tell what it was when it was still intact)

(Hastur sorts through it; Crowley offers to help but Hastur frowns at him and Crowley backs off)

Hastur: “I should've known.”

(Hastur slams his fist on the table, making everything on it jump a few inches into the air)

Hastur: “Damn that succubus!”

Crowley: “Too late. She already is.”

Hastur: “This isn't funny, Crowley.”

Crowley: “So who's laughing? I'm not. And you're definitely not.”

(Hastur takes his comm unit out of an inner pocket of his jacket)

Hastur: “Get me Nergal.”

(pause; Hastur's horns start smoking, and look dangerously close to bursting into flames)

Hastur: “I don't give a damn what he's in the middle of! This is urgent! Get him! Now! And tell him it's me!”

(pause)

Hastur: “Nergal? We have a problem.”

Nergal: “This better be worth interrupting me. I was in the middle of something important.”

Hastur: “Can't you keep your hands off of your mistress for just a minute or two?”

Nergal: “I suppose I'll have to this time. All right. What's the problem?”

Hastur: “Agent Oreia is the problem. She's disappeared with the son of Lord Satan.”

Nergal: “Disappeared? Maybe they went back to her place on the Vestibule level.”

Hastur: “Highly unlikely.”

Nergal: “Why?”

Hastur: “She stole a valuable piece of equipment. Probably someone at your office left it out in the open instead of locking it up like they should've.”

Nergal: “If that's the case, heads will roll here at headquarters. And I'll enjoy separating their heads from their bodies. What did she steal?”

Hastur: “A one-use transporter.”

Nergal: “One moment.”

(in the background Nergal can heard yelling at someone to check all the one-use transporters and make sure they're locked away; someone tells him that one of the one-used transporters is missing; they didn't know it until just then; it sounds like someone grabbing someone else and hurling them at something hard; there's the sound of a body hitting a metallic surface)

Nergal: “When I get my hands on that succubus, she's going to wish she'd never been created.”

Hastur: “That might be a bit problematic.”

Nergal: “Why? Do you know where in Hell she is?”

Hastur: “I know where she is, and she's not in Hell. She's on Earth.”

Nergal: “What? And what insanity caused her to decide to go there?”

Hastur: “I'm not sure yet.”

Nergal: “If you find her and bring her back to Hell, I swear I will punish her within an inch of her existence.”

Hastur: “Understood.”

(pause)

Nergal: “You said earlier that she disappeared with someone.”

Hastur: “The son of Lord Satan.”

Nergal: “That means if she's on Earth, then it's likely that he is also.”

Hastur: “That would be a logical assumption.”

Nergal: “Do you have anyone that you can send there to find them?”

(Hastur glances at Crowley)

Hastur: “I believe I do.”

Crowley: “Oh no. No. Don't you dare.”

Nergal: “Good. Get them going now. Or better yet, yesterday. And if I find out that you've also told Lord Satan or Prince Lucifer, your horns won't be the only thinking smoking or burning.”

(Hastur turns off the comm unit and puts it back in his jacket's inner pocket)

Crowley: “This is a mistake. I'm the wrong person –”

(Hastur smiles, and it's not a nice smile)

Hastur: “Is it? You need to be back on Earth for the trial tomorrow anyway. Just think of it as being there a little earlier than expected. Like avoiding – what do humans call it? – rush hour. Silly term for it, since they end up in traffic that's so congested that they're completely unable to rush anywhere.”

Crowley: “And you trust me to do all on my own?”

Hastur: “I never said you were doing it alone. I'm going to be with you. All the way. You still have your car, don't you?”

Crowley: “If I could dump you in a bathtub filled with Holy Water, I would.”

Hastur: “You're welcome to try. In the meantime, we have things to take care of.”

(they return to the hotel's front desk; give the room key back to the clerk)

Hastur: “Turns out we won't be needing it after all.”

Clerk: “I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything else we could do for you?”

Hastur: “That's quite enough.”

(Hastur and Crowley head out the hotel's front door)

(Hastur checks the watch on his right wrist; it lists three different times; the current time in Hell, the current time in Heaven, and the current Greenwich Meridian Time)

Hastur: “Excellent. It's an hour after sunrise, London time. Most people should still be at home and won't notice us. Where is your car?”

Crowley: “Parked near my apartment in Mayfair.”

Hastur: “Then that is where we shall go first.”

(Hastur is powerful enough that he doesn't need to use the one-use transporters; he grabs Crowley by the hand, and the two of them are suddenly in a winding, twisting tunnel; Hell disappears behind them almost immediately; the tunnel drops them off on the sidewalk outside the apartment building where Crowley lives; the building's car park is down a nearby alley and then behind the building; normally Crowley would be happy to see his Bentley again; but these aren't normal circumstances)

Crowley: “You sure you trust my driving? You didn't when we were on the M25, heading for Lower Tadfield.”

Hastur: “That was different. You were disobeying me. You were acting just like – like –”

Crowley: “A human?”

Hastur: “Yes, damn you!”

Crowley: “Maybe that's what Heaven dislikes about Aziraphale. He's too human for them. They want him to be an angel like he used to be, just like you lot want me to be a demon like I used to be. But remember – I was a Fallen Angel long before I was a demon.”

Hastur: “I remember. I was there the day you arrived in Hell. Your angel wings were burned black after you landed in the Lake of Fire. They've been black ever since.”

(Hastur checks his watch again)

Hastur: “We're wasting time. We need leave post haste. There's no telling if anyone is still at the bookshop.”

(they get in Crowley's Bentley; before he starts the car, he looks through his collection of CDs)

Crowley: “You don't mind if I play some music along the way?”

(Hastur looks uncomfortable)

Hastur: “What did you have in mind?”

Crowley: “Just some nice classical music. Mozart.”

Hastur: “Fine. But we need to leave here. Now.”

(Crowley nods and inserts the Mozart CD into the Bentley's in-dash CD player; the sounds of a Mozart's “Jupiter Symphony” pours out of the car's six speakers; it's like having the orchestra in the backseat playing live; Crowley turns up the volume)

Hastur: “Couldn't you turn it down?”

Crowley: “Sorry. One volume setting only.”

(Crowley starts the car, puts it in first gear, and shoves his foot into the gas pedal; the car leaps forward; the few pedestrians that were crossing the street have to jump out of the way)

Hastur: “How unsporting. They didn't even give you chance to hit them.”

Crowley: “Better luck next time, I guess. Besides, with Lockdown still in effect, there are fewer of them out and about. It'll be easier when Lockdown is lifted.”

(the car speeds around a sharp corner, still increasing speed)

Hastur: “What is this 'Lockdown' you mentioned? Are they imprisoned in jail?”

Crowley: “There's a virus epidemic. The virus is called COVID-19. Doesn't anyone in Hell know about it?”

Hastur: “Apparently not. Still, anything that harms the humans is fine by us.”

Crowley: “Why doesn't that surprise me?”

(the car charges through an intersection when the light is red; the red-light camera takes a picture of the car's license plate, which reads “NIAT RUC”; but a few moments later, the license plate holder revolves the license plate; now it reads “SMADA D”. There are eleven different choices of license plates, but usually Crowley doesn't have to change from one to another. The eleven optional license plates were installed just in case. He didn't think that the day would come when he'd need to use any of them.)

Hastur: “Do you have to drive this fast?”

Crowley: “You're in an all-fired hurry, aren't you?”

Hastur: “We both are. Remember – we're supposed to be a team.”

Crowley: “As if you'd let me forget about it.”

(they race towards the Tower Bridge; when they're a block away, the bridge's central span starts to rise, to allow a ship to pass underneath without hitting the central span)

Hastur: “You might want to slow down. There's a striped horizontal bar blocking our way.”

Crowley: “Caution is for the birds.”

(Crowley floors the gas pedal; the Bentley smashes through the guard barrier and races up the steep incline; the Bentley jumps off the near end of the open span; for a few moments the car is in the air above the ship passing below; the crew on the ship stare up at the car; then the Bentley lands on the other half of the open span and races down its incline; at the bottom of the incline, the Bentley roars along the rest of the bridge and quickly leaves it behind)

Crowley: “Well, that was fun, wasn't it?”

(Hastur was gripping the dashboard with one hand and the door handle with the other; he gives Crowley a dark look, but doesn't say anything)

(it doesn't take long to reach the street the bookshop is on; Crowley hits the brake pedal and the Bentley screeches to a stop right in front of the bookshop; the interior lights seem to be on)

Crowley: “I guess someone's home. But I'll check and make sure. You can stay here.”

Hastur: “I'll be watching you. Don't do anything stupid.”

Crowley: “Thought never crossed my mind. Back soon.”

(Crowley gets out of the car, walks up to the front door of the bookshop, and knocks)

(Crowley has to a wait about a minute, and then he sees someone standing on the other side of the door; they look past Crowley, at the Bentley, then back at Crowley; the door opens slightly)

A man's voice: “What are you doing here? I thought you were still in Hell.”

Crowley: “Change in plans, Aziraphale. I need to speak with you. Now. But not here. Inside.”

Aziraphale: “I really don't recommend this.”

(Crowley sniffs; something smells really good)

Crowley: “Did you just have breakfast?”

Aziraphale: “Yes, of course. We managed to squeeze all five of us around the table.”

(Crowley's eyebrows rise slightly)

Crowley: “Five of you?”

(Aziraphale nods)

Aziraphale: “Myself, Anathema, Newt, Adam, and Oreia. Agnes of course can't eat anything.”

Crowley: “Quite a crowd. Where did they all come from?”

Aziraphale: “At first it was Anathema and myself. And then we discovered Agnes' ghostly head inside her bread box, as well as her pamphlet with further prophecies written in it. Then Newt arrived. Anathema and Newt spent the night in one of the guest rooms upstairs. Around sunrise, Adam returned from Hell with his new friend Oreia, apparently arriving in Anathema and Newt's guest room. Then we had breakfast together.”

Crowley: “I see.”

(Crowley glances back at the Bentley; Hastur is looking unhappy and impatient, or possibly angry; it's hard to tell from ten or so feet away)

Aziraphale: “You have a passenger in your car?”

Crowley: “Hastur. We just returned from Hell about half an hour ago or so. We arrived near where I live, got in my car, and drove here. We crossed the Thames at Tower Bridge. The span was up. We jumped over it. That was fun. And here we are.”

Aziraphale: “Indeed. Look – we'll see each other at the trial at Glastonbury Tor at noon today. Surely you have preparations to make for it, just as I do.”

Crowley: “Not really. I was just going to improvise.”

(Aziraphale stares)

Aziraphale: “It could mean the difference between life and death, Crowley. Yours, as well as mine. I really don't think that improvising would be a good idea. Find someone you can trust and discuss it with them. Maybe they would also be willing to represent you, or they would know someone who could represent you.”

Crowley: “Such as?”

(Hastur rolls down the driver's side window)

Hastur: “Crowley! What's the delay? You're not here to have a deep discussion!”

(Crowley looks irritated)

Crowley: “This was your idea, not mine, Hastur! I can't do this quickly. It's going to take a little longer.”

(a ghostly head appears above Aziraphale's left shoulder)

Agnes: “What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?”

Crowley: “Agnes! Long time no see! You're looking better than ever.”

(Agnes doesn't look pleased)

Agnes: “Yes, it has been. And no, I'm not better, and you know it. I thought I'd at least get to have a complete ghostly body, and all I got is my head. As I already asked: What seems to be the problem?”

Crowley: “I've returned from Hell.”

Agnes: “Obviously.”

Crowley: “And I need to know where Adam and Oreia are.”

Aziraphale: “Ah. I believe they're talking outside the bookshop's back door. They wanted some privacy and I suggested that might be a good location for it. Why are you looking for them?”

Crowley: “I'm not, really. But Hastur is.”

(Aziraphale looks unhappy)

Aziraphale: “You weren't planning on telling him where they were, were you?”

Crowley: “I don't want to, but I might have to. Things being the way they are.”

Aziraphale: “But I thought we were friends.”

Crowley: “We are. That hasn't changed.”

Aziraphale: “Then why not just tell Hastur that they aren't here. They left a few hours ago and didn't say where they were going. Possibly back to Adam's home in Lower Tadfield. Yes, that might be convincing enough for Hastur.”

Crowley: “You're suggesting I lie to him. An angel is suggesting I lie.”

Agnes: “Stranger things have happened.”

Aziraphale: “Please, Crowley? Just this once? You're much better at lying than I am, so it shouldn't affect you as much as it would affect me. You wouldn't be breaking any rules, after all.”

Crowley: “But I'm still stuck with him. I can't just dump him in a back alley or on the side of the road.”

Agnes: “Drive him to Glastonbury, Crowley. You'll have to be there anyway. Just tell him that Oreia and Adam left for there early, and the rest of us will be meeting them there.”

(Crowley looks thoughtful and nods)

Crowley: “That might work. That just might work. All right.”

Aziraphale: “And do drive carefully. There's really no need to hurry this morning. Plenty of time to get to Glastonbury Tor.”

Crowley: “I'll be careful.”

Aziraphale: “Crowley?”

Crowley: “Yes, angel?”

Aziraphale: “I – well, I – ah –”

(Crowley seems to sense what Aziraphale is nervous about saying out loud)

Crowley: “The feeling's mutual. Don't worry. I won't throw away six thousand years of friendship just to appease the powers-that-be.”

(Aziraphale smiles)

Aziraphale: “Nor will I. See you at the Tor.”

Crowley: “Likewise.”

(Crowley returns to the Bentley and gets in)

(Hastur's horns are smoking, with little flickers of flames dancing around the tips of the horns)

Hastur: “Well? Where are they?”

Crowley: “Oreia and Adam have already left for Glastonbury.”

(Hastur stares)

Hastur: “This early?”

(Crowley shrugs)

Crowley: “That's what they told Aziraphale. The rest of them are going to meet up with Oreia and Adam in Glastonbury.”

(Crowley puts his hand on the gear lever, ready to put it into first)

Crowley: “Anything else bothering you?”

Hastur: “Just get us out of here and off to Glastonbury. I never realized how much I hate being around this many humans.”

Crowley: “Except when you're assigned to tempt one of them.”

Hastur: “True.”

Crowley: “Allons-y!”

(Crowley puts the gear lever into first, starts the engine, and hits the gas pedal hard; the Bentley fish-tails as it heads down the street, quickly leaving the bookshop behind; about halfway to Glastonbury the Mozart music turns into the Queen song, “Death on Two Legs”.)


	18. Chapter 18

(Oreia and Adam hear the bookshop's front door shut; they lift the table-cloth covering the table, crawl out from under it where they were hiding, and stand up)

(Aziraphale hurries over to them)

Aziraphale: “The phone's on my desk. It's an old-fashioned rotary dial phone. In any case, please don't take too long. We'll be leaving as soon as possible. Newt and Anathema are probably dressed in their normal clothes again and heading downstairs.”

Adam: “Understood. And thank you.”

Aziraphale: “You're quite welcome.”

(Aziraphale heads off to make his own preparations for the train journey to Glastonbury Tor)

(Adam dials his home phone number; it rings twice and then someone picks it up)

A male voice: “Hullo?”

Adam: “Dad! It's me, Adam.”

Adam's dad: “Oh, thank God. You've certainly added to our allotment of grey hairs, Adam. Are you all right?”

Adam: “Just fine.” (Sort of, he adds silently.) “Look, um, I'm not coming straight back home just yet. I've one other place to go to. I need to do some research for my British History paper.” (Tight squeeze.)

Adam's dad: “Do you need a ride there?”

Adam: “Actually, no. I'm going to be going with some friends.” (Truth this time.) “We're visiting Glastonbury Tor. My history teacher thought it might be best if I go there and see it in-person. I could take some snapshots and insert them into my paper.”

Adam's Mum gets on another phone: “But you'll need your digital camera.”

Adam: “I've got my mobile. It takes good enough snapshots.” (Hoo boy. I've got to prepare my lies better than this) “And that way I can call you once I'm ready to leave Glastonbury and head home.”

Adam's dad: “Do you have enough money for lunch?”

Adam: “Actually, I think one of my friends said they're going to treat us all to lunch. There's a really nice spot in town that they think highly of.”

(there's a dog's howl on the phone)

Adam: “Please tell Dog I'm sorry I've been away from home for so long. I'll be back there as soon as I can. I promise.”

Adam's Mum: “We'll tell him. It might not comfort him much, though.”

Adam's dad: “Oh, another thing. Your friend Pepper called. She said that she and Brian are going out to the cinema tonight. You're welcome to join them after you get back from Glastonbury.”

Adam: “That's sounds like a great idea.”

(Adam glances at Oreia)

Adam: “By the way, I've met a new friend here in London. She's really nice. I think you'll both like her. And hopefully Pepper and Brian will also. Her name is Oreia.”

Adam's Mum: “That's a nice name. Where is she from?”

(Oreia whispers)

Oreia: “Tell them I'm originally from Greece. My parents and I immigrated to England when I was a little girl.”

Adam: “She's from Greece. She was born there, and immigrated to England with her parents when she was a little girl.”

Adam's dad: “Where did you meet her?”

Adam's Mum: “Oh, don't be so suspicious, dear. He's growing up. I'm glad he's making new friends.”

Adam's dad: “She's not in a gang, is she, Adam?”

Adam: “Definitely not. And she's also a dog-lover. But her dog died when she was little. Maybe we can help her get a new dog from the shelter?”

Adam's Mum: “I don't see why not. So many animals at the shelter waiting to be adopted. At least one of them will have a new home with Oreia.”

(Aziraphale returns to his desk and gestures urgently to Adam)

Adam: “Ah, I think I'd better ring off now. We have to leave for Glastonbury. With the Lockdown still in effect, hopefully the traffic on the roadways will be a lot less than usual.”

Adam's Mum: “Have a nice time and tell us what it was like when you get back home.”

(I'll tell you both what I can, Adam thinks. Which might not be as much as you'd prefer.)

Adam: “Will do. Gotta go. Love you both. Bye!”

(his parents echo his farewell; the call ends and Adam hangs up the phone)

Adam: “I hope they don't wonder why I didn't use my mobile.”

Oreia: “Why didn't you?”

Adam: “Because I don't have one. But they don't know that.”

Aziraphale: “Perhaps I could purchase one for you while we're in Glastonbury. There's bound to be a mobile phone store in town.”

Adam: “You don't have to, Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale: “At least it means you didn't completely lie to your parents. Just a little bit.”

(Adam gives the angel a quick hug)

Adam: “Thanks. You're the best, Aziraphale.”

(Aziraphale looks pleased)

Aziraphale: “You're quite welcome. Now. We need to leave immediately.”

Adam: “Um. One question. If you don't drive, what car are we traveling in?”

Aziraphale: “The Mini. Might be a bit of a tight squeeze with all five of us.”

(Newt and Anathema arrive, ready to leave)

Newt: “I could take someone in my car.”

Anathema: I'll have to drive the Mini. I don't think Aziraphale can drive.”

(Aziraphale shakes his head)

Agnes: “I'll go with you, Newt. But you'll have to bring the bread box along. I can't be too far from it. One of the restrictions of being a ghost. Or ghostly head, in my case.”

(Newt doesn't look too pleased, but nods agreement; he probably was hoping that Anathema would ride with him; but for logical reasons, she can't)

Aziraphale: “I'll ride with you as well, Newt.”

(Anathema speaks to Oreia and Adam)

Anathema: “I guess that means that you two are with me.”

(Oreia looks puzzled)

Oreia: “What is a 'Mini'?”

Anathema: “A small car. It has enough room for three people. Four, if they know each other really well. More than can be a bit crowded and claustrophobic.”

Newt: “I'll follow you then.”

(Anathema nods)

Anathema: “There should be a car park near the train station. It's just for today. Hopefully that means it won't be too expensive.”

Newt: “We could just drive to Glastonbury. That would save on parking and train tickets.”

(Anathema looks at Aziraphale, Agnes, Oreia and Adam)

Anathema: “Would that be all right with everyone?”

(the four nod agreement)

Anathema: “Glad we're leaving now, then. It takes almost three hours to get there. As long as there's a car park not far from the Tor, we should be there before the trial starts.”

Aziraphale: “Tardiness isn't an option, I'm afraid.”

Newt: “We should be just fine. With mostly empty roadways, we'll make good time.”

(the Mini heads off, with Newt's car following about fifty or so feet back)

(it's about 10:30 or so, when they see the Tor on their left; on top of the Tor is what's left of the abbey; there doesn't seem to be anyone out of the ordinary there, so they continue on and arrive in Glastonbury; the town is less crowded with tourists and pagan visitors than usual; they pull into a car park in town and park the cars next to each other; there's no sign of Crowley's Bentley; perhaps Crowley and Hastur found a parking spot closer to the Tor, instead of heading into town)

Aziraphale: “Excellent. We have a little more than hour to spare.”

Agnes: “For one of the accused, you're certainly in a cheerful mood. You wouldn't have to have some gunpowder and nails hidden on your person, would you?”

(Aziraphale looks shocked)

Aziraphale: “Absolutely not. How could you think of such a thing?”

Agnes: “Because it's what I did.”

Aziraphale: “You were being burnt at the stake.”

Agnes: “And who says they won't try to do that to you a second time? Certainly not me.”

Newt: “Maybe we could just wander around town?”

(the consensus is that that sounds like a good idea; as they walk about, Aziraphale, Anathema, and Newt (with Agnes' bread box) are in the lead, while Oreia and Adam are behind; Oreia is full of questions, and Adam does his best to answer them; where he lacks knowledge, Aziraphale helps out; as they walk about, the sky above turns grey, and then darker grey; there might be rain falling soon)

Oreia: “It's wonderful seeing a living city like London and a living town like Glastonbury. You're so lucky, Adam, and the rest of you.”

Adam: “I'm sorry that where you live is so dead in comparison. I wish you could've lived on Earth instead.”

(Oreia smiles at him, holds his right hand in her left hand)

Oreia: “So do I. But be careful with your wishes. Remember what I said earlier today?”

(Adam nods)

Adam: “Sorry. I'll do my best.”

(Oreia gently squeezes his hand, then looks around them)

Oreia: “It seems so calm and peaceful, considering what will be happened on the Tor at noon.”

Adam: “It doesn't effect them. They probably don't even know it's going to happen. Maybe they won't even notice anything.”

Oreia: “The event of a lifetime, and they'll be oblivious to it.”

Adam: “Lucky them.”

Oreia: “I suppose.”

(she gestures at the names of the shops as they walk past them; she tries not to laugh at some of them)

Oreia: “Such funny names. You'd never find anything like them where I come from.”

Adam: “Were there shops like these – you know – back before – the bad people came to where you live?”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “My parents had one shop that sold jewelry, gems, crystals, incense, and small sculptures. I used to love being in there. The changing scents. The beautiful jewelry. The small sculptures of animals, plants, and trees that are extinct now. The gems and crystals that spread their beautiful colors all around the shop's interior when it was daytime. When the daylight wasn't – as dark and ugly as it is now.”

Adam: “Maybe you can open up a new shop like that here on Earth.”

Oreia: “Maybe. But that's assuming I decide to stay here.”

Adam: “Do you get homesick?”

Oreia: “Sometimes. But other times it's just so interesting here. And you're here, too. So I think everything's all right for now.”

Adam: “I'm glad you're here, too. I'm still sorry for dragging your away earlier today. You didn't want to, but I insisted.”

Oreia: “That's – what do you humans say – water down the stream?”

Adam: “Water under the bridge.”

(Oreia laughs softly)

Oreia: “After all, where else would water be? Unless it was falling from the sky. Which is something else my home area doesn't have: rain. At least not wet rain.”

(Oreia holds out her hand and feels the rain gently falling on her hand, on her head, and on the rest of her)

Oreia: “What a wonderful sensation. What a wonderful experience. You're so fortunate, Adam.”

(Adam stops, and Oreia stops also; she turns to look at him; she looks slightly puzzled, but curious)

Oreia: “What's wrong?”

Adam: “Everything here is so new and wonderful to you.”

Oreia: “Because it is.”

(Aziraphale, Anathema, and Newt are gesturing from about a half a block away, gesturing that Oreia and Adam should find some shelter from the rain, which is falling heavier now)

Adam: “I guess we'd better join them. We're getting soaked enough as it is.”

(there's a restaurant nearby that serves breakfast, lunch, and dinner; they're not hungry, but maybe to get out of the rain, they could go inside it and order coffee and tea; they go inside it just in time; there's a rumble of thunder and rain really starts to fall)

Aziraphale: “I knew I forgot to bring something. Bumbershoots.”

(Oreia glances at Adam, puzzled)

Oreia: “Bumbershoots?”

(Anathema explains)

Anathema: “In America, we call them umbrellas. Don't you have them where you come from?”

(Oreia shakes her head)

Oreia: “We haven't need anything like that in a very long time.”

(they're seated at a round table that can seat five people; Newt puts the bread box in the center of the table; the waitress thinks that's a bit odd, but she's probably used to unusual people anyway, so she shrugs)

Waitress: “Do you want menus?”

Aziraphale: “Oh, we aren't hungry. We already broke our fast. But some coffee and tea would be nice.”

Waitress: “Coffee and tea coming right up.”

(the waitress heads for the kitchen doorway)

(outside the restaurant, the rain is torrential now; through the glass panes of the front door, they can see water flowing down both the sidewalk and the street; people are hurrying past, trying to cover their heads with whatever they are carrying; some of the people decide to shelter inside the restaurant)

Newt: “That – er – meeting of yours at noon is going to be a bit soggy, Aziraphale.”

(Aziraphale nods)

Aziraphale: “I suppose it's unavoidable. They were quite insistent that the meeting start on time. No delays.”

(the waitress returns with a coffee pot, a tea pot, cups and saucers, a small carafe of milk, and a bowl of sugar)

Waitress: “Anything else?”

Aziraphale: “No. That's just fine. Thank you so much.”

Waitress: “Not at all.” (she writes something on a receipt and lays it face-down on the tabletop, near the bread box) “Come back anytime.” (she looks outside the restaurant) “Huh. We don't usually get rain like that.”

Anathema: “Maybe it's due to climate change.”

Waitress: “Maybe.” (she goes to another table, and greets the people at it)

(Aziraphale and Anathema serve the tea and coffee)

Anathema: “I'm glad we were early. We would never have found this place otherwise.”

(Agnes speaking as softly as she can, while still being audible to the five of them)

Agnes: “You were supposed to. Just as the rain was supposed to be like that. I still can't believe you left my pamphlet back at the bookshop.”

Newt: “Sometimes it's nice not knowing everything that's going to happen in the future. Sometimes it's nice just to enjoy it as it happens. Like going on a trip to a place you haven't been before. You just take it as it comes. That's how most people do it.”

Agnes: “I suppose. But if I notice anything urgent, I'll warn you as soon as I can.”

Aziraphale: “Understood. In the meantime, we still have some time left. Let's try to enjoy it as best we can.”

(one of the people at the table nearby is a tall, thin man wearing a black motorbike helmet, black leather jacket, black gloves, black pants, and black boots; he turns and looks at Aziraphale, then speaks in a deep voice)

Unknown man: “Greetings, Aziraphale. It's been a long time since Tadfield Airbase, hasn't it?”

(Aziraphale freezes for a moment, then turns to look at the man; the unknown man lifts the visor of his helmet; the “face” is a blackened (as if burnt) skull, with empty eye sockets; Aziraphale recognizes him; the unknown man is Death)

Aziraphale: “It has indeed. I wasn't expecting you to be here as well.”

Death: “I am everywhere. Wherever there will be death, I will be found. But, unlike War, I do not actively wish for more death. Without War, death is simply a natural part of life.”

(Death turns briefly to Agnes)

Death: “Greetings, Agnes. I trust all is well?”

Agnes: “As well as a ghostly head can expect things to be.”

(Aziraphale interrupts, speaking to Death)

Aziraphale: “Are you also here for the – er – meeting at the Tor?”

(Death nods)

Death: “There may be death afterward. Therefore my presence is required. If there is no death, then I shall continue with my rounds. War has been very busy lately, and because of that, I have been equally as busy. After my potential business at the Tor, I will have to leave immediately for the Middle East. So much fighting over natural resources. If it were over things like water and food, I could understand. But over black water and black stones?”

(Death sighs and shakes his head)

Death: “Such a waste of human life.”

Aziraphale: “Yes, I suppose it is. Would you care for some coffee or tea?”

Death: “Thank you, but like Agnes, I cannot imbibe.”

(Death looks outside; a car – either going too fast, or skidding on the wet street – slides past and there's the sound of glass shattering and metal being hit and bent)

Death: “One moment. An unexpected bit of business requiring my attention. I shall return.”

(Death lowers the visor back over his face and leaves the restaurant, heading in the direction of the accident; an ambulance with siren wailing and emergency lights flashing races past)

Agnes: “And here I thought that you were overly calm and cheerful about your – meeting – at noon. He's almost nonchalant.”

(Aziraphale shrugs)

Aziraphale: “It is the nature of his work. Could he do it as well if he reacted to it emotionally? Probably not.”

Agnes: “I wonder if he even has any emotions.”

Aziraphale: “I would give him the benefit of the doubt.”

(Oreia turns to Adam)

Oreia: “Is it always like this?”

Adam: “The accident, you mean?”

(Oreia shakes her head)

Oreia: “The calm reaction to what may be dead people out there. Doesn't anyone care?”

Adam: “We all care.”

Oreia: “Even Death does?”

Adam: “I bet he cares the most. Think how horrible it is to go from one dead person to another, no matter where in the world they are. Knowing that there's nothing you can do to prevent their deaths. How would you feel?”

Oreia: “Awful. Numb. Wishing I had something else to do.”

Adam: “He probably feels the same.”

Oreia: “If I could cry, I would.”

Adam: “You can't?”

(Oreia shakes her head)

Oreia: “But I wish I could. It would probably make me feel better afterwards.”

Adam: “I'm sorry you can't cry.”

(Oreia reaches over and gently squeezes his hand with hers)

(Death returns and sits back down at his table, but facing them; he lifts his visor)

(Aziraphale speaks to him)

Aziraphale: “I trust all is well?”

(Death nods)

Death: “A simple mistake that caused unnecessary injuries and death. If only the driver had slowed down. He shouldn't have been going so fast in heavy rain.”

Newt: “Maybe he was in a hurry?”

Death: “Perhaps so. At least it was instantaneous. Not a long, lingering, painful death, such as some are unfortunately fated to experience.”

Agnes: “I trust that the other three Horsemen won't be joining you here in Glastonbury?”

(Death shakes his head)

Death: “No, Agnes. There is no need for War, Famine, or Pollution here today. Therefore I had to come alone. But loneliness is a familiar companion. I have known it for much of my existence. That is why my work is not so terrible as others might think. My work allows me to interact with the dying, easing their pain, and making their transitions as quick as possible. After all, why should they be forced to suffer needlessly? In this, I am quite opposed to Famine. Those that starve and thirst need not do so. And I am opposed to Pollution. The air should be clean to breathe, not harmful, causing lung problems. The water should be clean to drink, not polluted, filled with filth and toxins. And finally I am opposed to War. War enjoys inciting and provoking humans to fight with one another. And afterward, War does not linger. War goes elsewhere, to do the same yet again. I am the one who must be there after War has departed. I must be the one to wander the battlefield, doing what I can for those whose lives cannot be saved.”

Adam: “Do you ever get to quit your job? Exchange places with someone else? Or is this what you have to do for all Eternity?”

Death: “I cannot quit. Then there would be none to do what I do. However, I can exchange places with a living bipedal being. But who would wish to take my place? I have yet find anyone willing to do so, and I have searched for six thousand years now. I would have encountered them by now if they existed.”

(Death looks at Oreia)

Death: “Or perhaps I have not met them yet. There is still time, after all.”

(Oreia looks away from Death; she doesn't say anything; she doesn't like the cold feeling she gets when Death looks at her; she prefers the warmth she feels from holding Adam's hand in her own)

(Aziraphale coughs)

Aziraphale: “Perhaps we should find the car park near the Tor and start our climb up to it. Best not to be late, after all.”

(Aziraphale looks at Death)

Aziraphale: “Will you be accompanying us?”

(Death nods)

Death: “We have a mutual goal. Two others are already there. A demon and a devil. The rest will arrive when the sun at zenith shines down on the Tor.”

Aziraphale: “Understood. Everyone else ready to leave? I suppose we'll be getting soaked again.”

Death: “The rain has stopped. The rain clouds are headed elsewhere, where they are also needed.”

(All five – not Death – look outside the restaurant; the sidewalk and street are dry; the sky above is changing from overcast to cloudless blue sky (also known as a “Roman sky”); Aziraphale pays the bill and adds a tip, then gives the money to the waitress; she thanks him and hopes the rest of their visit to Glastonbury is pleasant)


	19. Chapter 19

(Hastur is impatient)

Hastur: “They aren't here. You said they had left the bookshop early.”

Crowley: “I lied.”

Hastur: “Why you –”

Crowley: “Don't sound so surprised. You lie far more often than I ever have. If I was going to be a duke, lord, or prince in hell, I probably would need to practice my lying. I don't do enough of it as it is.”

Hastur: “Where are they?”

(Crowley checks the angle of the sun, as it gets closer to the top of the Tor)

Crowley: “They should be on their way here.”

Hastur: “And if they aren't?”

Crowley: “At least one of them has to be. Aziraphale.”

(Hastur smiles, not nicely)

Hastur: “How true. I'd momentarily forgotten what was going to happen to you both today. Thank you for reminding me.”

Crowley: “You're not welcome.”

Hastur: “For someone who has escaped punishment once before, how does it feel to know that you can't escape it this time?”

Crowley: “About as pleasant as a hangover, or a migraine headache, or diarrhea.”

Hastur: “Excellent. I was almost afraid that you would actually enjoy this.”

Crowley: “I'm not a masochist. Or a sadist like you are.”

Hastur: “I am not a sadist. I simply do what I am told to do. Something that you try to avoid however and whenever and wherever you possibly can.”

Crowley: “I've been around humans far more often you have. Some are absolutely dreadful – you'd like those. And some are rather wonderful – you wouldn't like those. It's rather like trying to introduce someone who prefers classical music to the music of groups like the Velvet Underground, or solo artists like Lou Reed. You might as well be scratching your fingernails on a blackboard or pulling fingernails off. But if you really want to drive them up the wall, just play them Lou Reed's 'Metal Machine Music'.”

(Hastur looks pleasantly surprised)

Hastur: “Like torturing them. I never expected it of you.”

Crowley: “I don't do it intentionally. Not like you do.”

Hastur: “You've grown so soft, Crowley. Just think – if you'd only stayed in Hell instead of being assigned to Eden, you'd be more like me.”

(Crowley makes a face and shakes his head)

Crowley: “No thanks. There's already one of you. That's more than enough for any universe.”

(they hear the sound of two approaching cars; one is a Mini, and the other is a light-blue-colored three-wheeled car)

Crowley: “There they are.”

(Hastur looks up above the Tor; clouds are appearing, slowly turning into what looks like a dark grey whirlpool; out of the whirlpool, a funnel cloud descends; it reaches the ground about a minute before the five humans, Death, and a bread box reach the top of the Tor; out of the funnel cloud emerges a crowd of demons and devils)

Hastur: “Hell's representatives have arrived. And here are your – friends.”

Crowley: “I wonder where Heaven's representatives are. Shouldn't they be here by now?”

(Crowley senses someone behind him and Hastur; he turns to see Gabriel at the head of a small crowd of angels)

Crowley: “Just in time, Gabriel.”

Gabriel: “Wouldn't miss it for the world, Crowley.”

Crowley: “I suppose it's time to get the show on the road?”

Hastur: “We're already here. We don't need to go anywhere.”

Gabriel: “It means get things started, Hastur.”

Hastur: “Oh.”

Gabriel: “First things first, though.”

(a wall of thick fog surrounds the top of the Tor; while it's visible to the angels, demons, devils, humans, and ghostly head, it's invisible to every other human being)

Gabriel: “That's better. We're only the ones who need to see each other and what we're doing, after all.”

Hastur: “Shall we begin?”

(Gabriel nods)

Gabriel: “Let's.”

(bleachers appear; one set to Gabriel's right, painted in white; another set to his left, painted in black; the angels go to the white bleachers; the demons and devils go to the black bleachers; two judges' seats appear at one end of the trial area; on either side of the judges' seats, but several feet lower, witness seats appear; about ten or so feet in front of those are two tables, with chairs behind them)

Agnes: “And where, pray tell, are the rest of us supposed to be Gabriel?”

Gabriel: “Lest I forget.”

(what look like a church pew appears about ten feet behind the tables and chairs)

Gabriel: “Please be seated.”

(Newt, the bread box, Anathema, Adam, and Oreia sit down in the pew; Death chooses to stand behind the pew; Aziraphale and Crowley sit in the chairs on the defendants' side; Gabriel and Hastur sit on the plaintiff's side)

Gabriel: “We seem to missing our judges.”

(a black cloud appears in one of the judges' seats; a white cloud appears in the other seat; the black cloud disappears, to reveal Satan; the white cloud disappears, to reveal the Metatron, the Voice of God)

Metatron: “I trust we are all present and accounted for?”

(everyone nods)

Metatron: “Good, good. Then let us get this trial and Joint Judgment under way.”


	20. Chapter 20

(a winged sphinx with a human head, torso, and arms stands half a dozen feet from an incubus; the incubus is in a heap at the bottom of an interior wall of a room; the room is empty and the walls, ceiling, and floor are painted a chaotic mixture of red and black; the wall behind the incubus is damaged and shows repeated outlines and impressions of something large being hurled at it; the incubus tries to to get to his feet, and manages to get halfway there and almost slides back down to the floor; the sphinx is Nergal, chief of the Infernal Security Forces of Hell; the incubus is Kraz)

Nergal: “We are wasting time, Kraz. The trial of Aziraphale and Crowley will begin soon and you still have told me nothing worthwhile.”

(Kraz is in a great deal of pain and breathing hard)

Kraz: “I've told you all I know.”

Nergal: “Nothing, you mean.” (he walks closer to Kraz, who looks up at him) “I've had your little Resistance group under surveillance almost as soon as it was obvious that you weren't trying to find somewhere private for a romantic tryst or a fun bit of torture. At least two of my agents have infiltrated your group. They were at the last meeting, which was in a cellar of an abandoned row-house on the Vestibule level. They reported to me after the meeting ended. They saw your friend Oreia leave, and soon after, they saw you leave.”

(Kraz nods)

Nergal: “I can no longer look the other way. I can no longer turn a blind eye to it. You have forced me to take action. Tell me why I shouldn't douse you with Holy Water this instant and destroy you?”

Kraz: “You – you – need – me.”

(Nergal looks mildly surprised, then turns mocking)

Nergal: “Do I? Still? Do enlighten me, O Kraz. Show me the error of my ways. Prove that I have failed in my infernal duties.”

Kraz: “Then why – why have you – kept me alive?”

Nergal: “I am wondering about that myself. Surely not out of any sort of compassion. Thousands of years ago, when we Fallen Angels first fell down to Hell, our reception here was – to say the very least – not exactly warm and welcoming. We offered the ignorant indigenous inhabitants everything that they lacked. And yet they resisted. They chose pain, suffering, and destruction repeatedly over an assimilation that gave them advantages they could not even begin to imagine.”

Kraz: “You didn't – ask if we – wanted it. You forced it – on us.”

(Kraz manages to almost stand up, leaning against the wall; that area of the wall crumbles still further, sending more masonry, plaster, etc. to fall in a cloud, adding to what's already on the floor)

(Nergal reacts as if experiencing an epiphany, but the seriousness of his reaction is debatable)

Nergal: “Oh. I see now. Silly us. We weren't generous enough. We weren't tolerant enough. Like the European explorers and colonists of the New World, we should've put aside everything we had brought with us from – that other place – and tried to be more like the indigenes.”

(Nergal's expression turns dark; his eyes glow red)

Nergal: “Don't take me for an ass, Kraz. I may not have been in Hell as long as you and your Resistance group has been, but I know what works. I know how to gain control and exert it over those who don't appreciate the structure they have to adapt to. Lord Satan might not approve of my methods, but I get results, and he has always been in favor of results. Especially when those results benefit him.”

(Nergal moves closer to Kraz; Nergal grabs Kraz by one shoulder and pulls him to within inches of Nergal's face)

Nergal: “I have grown tired of this. It ends – now.”

(with his free hand, Nergal flicks his fingers; a bucket of Holy Water appears on the floor next to him)

Nergal: “I will have the infernal satisfaction of destroying not only you, Kraz, but your entire resistance group. And when I get my hands on your friend, Oreia, she will either surrender to me and assist me in all the ways you have refused to, or I will have my way with her and destroy her as well.”

(Nergal picks up the bucket by its handle with his free hand; he lifts it until the bucket is above Kraz's head)

Nergal: “You still have one more chance. This need not end this way. Tell me what I want to know and you may yet live.”

Kraz: “What? Take away – your satisfaction in – destroying me? Why don't you – just get – it over with?”

(Nergal looks at Kraz with narrow eyes)

Nergal: “Damn you!”

(Kraz manages to laugh a little, then he coughs and a few teeth tumble out of his mouth)

Kraz: “Too late – for that. I already am.”

Nergal: “You want to be destroyed!”

(Kraz shakes his head, winces)

Nergal: “I'm trying to give you an option and you refuse to take it.”

(Kraz snorts)

Kraz: “What sort of – option could you – possibly offer me – that I'd be – willing to accept?”

(Nergal starts tilting the bucket; but before the first drop of Holy Water falls on Kraz's head, a commotion starts outside the room; Nergal turns to look in the direction of the room's only doorway; demons are hurrying past the doorway; one demon (mostly black but with red hands and feet and and orange claws; no wings) pauses there, looking at Nergal and Kraz)

Nergal: “You have no business here! Begone!”

Demon: “Actually I do have business here.”

(Nergal sneers at the demon)

Nergal: “And what sort of business could that possibly be?”

Demon: “This.”

(a bucket appears in the demon's hands)

(Nergal looks at it, then at the demon)

Nergal: “You wouldn't dare. I could have you arrested and destroyed right here, right now.”

Demon: “Wouldn't I dare? You were about to do the same to Kraz. What's stopping me from doing it to you?”

(there's the sound of explosions outside the room, some closer, some further away; the floor shakes; dark smoke begins to billow into the room at floor level, rising slowly toward the ceiling)

Nergal: “You damn fools! I will destroy you all!”

Demon: “Not if we destroy you first.”

(the demon hurls the bucket at Nergal; there's nowhere for Nergal to duck to avoid the incoming bucket and its contents; unintentionally (on Nergal's part), his sphinx body blocks the Holy Water from hitting Kraz; the Holy Water burns and carves its way into Nergal's body; Nergal screams, struggles, and curses the demon who attacked him; but it's too late; his body begins to dissolve; in less than a minute, Nergal is destroyed; the demon hurries into the room, avoids the burned area on the floor that used to be Nergal, and helps Kraz to his feet, supporting him as best the demon can; they reach the doorway, where destruction, fighting, etc. has increased; it's difficult to tell in the smoke and chaos which side a demon is on; a devil briefly lifts his head above the smoke, only to flee, pursued by several large, burly demons)

Kraz: “Thank you – for your – timely arrival, Azoul.”

Azoul: “This uprising wasn't supposed to begin just yet. But when we heard that the ISF had arrested you and brought you here, we convened a very brief emergency meeting. By unanimous vote, the uprising would begin immediately. Everyone was asked to retrieve the hidden weapons they had and converge on this area. Whoever found you first would either avenge you or get you the medical treatment you probably needed.”

Kraz: “Medical treatment – sounds rather good – right now. Where are they?”

Azoul: “Not far. Just hang in there. We'll get you taken care of and you'll start feeling more like your normal self soon enough.”

(they step over a body on the floor; it's one of the demons in hag-form; she had her clawed hands around the neck of one of the ISF officers; the ISF officer is also dead, with a large hole punched through his chest and out through his back)

Kraz: “Who is – in charge?”

Azoul: “Right now, that would be me. But once we have you up and about, you can resume command. If you feel up to it, that is.”

Kraz: “You're doing – a good job. I don't mind – if you stay – in command.”

(they enter a corridor, past destroyed rooms, filled with foul-looking and -smelling smoke; more bodies, some Resistance, some ISF)

Kraz: “Oreia – will never – believe this.”

Azoul: “Where is she, by the way? We went to her lair. She wasn't there.”

Kraz: “I think – she's on Earth – with the – human boy.”

Azoul: “Then she isn't in harm's way. Good. We can tell her what happened afterward.”

(Kraz nods; still weak, he almost slips out of Azoul's support)

Kraz: “Sorry. It's been – a long day – for me.”

Azoul: “It'll get better. I promise.”

(they reach what used to be Nergal's command center; it's already being put to use by the Resistance; some of the Resistance look up, nod, see Kraz and try to control their anger at what happened to him; but all in all, they seem pleased to see that he's still alive, even if not well just yet; there's a makeshift couch in the command center, not far from where the Resistance are sitting in front of a wall-sized bank of computer screens, keyboards, and mice; some of the screens show surveillance of locations throughout Hell; some of the screens are for interfacing with Hell's vast computer system)

(Azoul gently lays Kraz on the couch)

Kraz: “I think – I'll stay – here for now.”

(Azoul nods)

Azoul: “I'll get one of the medical teams in here as soon as I can. Try to relax, but don't close your eyes."

(Kraz nods)

(the floor shudders as a heavy, but distant, thudding explosion shakes the entire building; the lights in the center go out, to be replaced moments later by emergency lights)

(one of the Resistance demons at the bank of computer screens turns and comes over to Kraz, crouching next to him; she tries to smile encouragingly, but she's still angry about what he went through)

Female demon: “Whatever happens next, this was worth it.”

Kraz: “Definitely. It was a long – time in coming. Far too long – if you ask me.”

(female demon nods)

Female demon: “Do you think that Lucifer and Satan will mount a counterattack? We keep expecting it, but it's hard to tell where any counterattack might be happening. It's almost as if the stronger ISF elements aren't in Hell at all. Do you know where they might be?”

Kraz: “Nergal said something – about a trial. Maybe they're – at the trial.”

Female demon: “If they are, then that trial couldn't have come at a better time.”

(Azoul returns with one of the medical teams; the female demon nods at Kraz and goes back to the bank of computer screens; Azoul and Kraz talk as the medical team works on Kraz's many wounds, bruises, a hairline fracture in his skull, and several broken bones)

Azoul: “Things are improving all the time, Kraz. Our resistance group is connecting with others. They're all assaulting the central ISF complex as well as the auxiliary complexes. There are even reports that the San Souci has been partially damaged. And still further down, closer to the Ninth Circle of Hell, reports that the Throne and its defenders are under attack.”

Kraz: “Are there still enough – of us to win the battle?”

Azoul: “For now. Some of the demons and devils that worked for Nergal, Satan, and Lucifer, have switched sides and are helping us. They're mostly the lesser ones. The major ones probably would never dare to do so; they are loyalists to the nth degree. If the Throne goes down, then they go down with it.”

Kraz: “I wonder if any reports – have reached the trial yet. Surely Satan can't be oblivious – ouch! – to what's happening down here. Or if he is, his ignorance won't – last for much longer.”

Azoul: “We've done what we can to jam the comm lines between Hell and where the trial is, as well as sending messages saying that all is well here. Since Hastur and Satan are known for their lies, they probably won't expect to be lied to in return. By the time they learn what's happening here, it might be too late for them to do anything to stop it.”

Kraz: “I wish Oreia could be here.”

Azoul: “So do I. But there's nothing we can do about that for right now.”

Kraz: “Maybe someone should go – to the trial and try to contact her.”

Azoul: “But that might look suspicious to Lord Satan right now. Better to keep them in the dark, even if it means keeping Oreia in the dark as well.”

(Kraz nods agreement)

Head of medical team: “You should be healing more rapidly now. In another few days, you'll probably be almost back to normal.”

Kraz: “Thank you. For everything you've done today. Not just for me.”

(the medical team gathers their equipment and hurries out of the command center)

Kraz: “What's the current report of where things stand?”

Azoul: “There has been more resistance from Lord Satan's supporters than we expected. They've pushed our forces back and blocked off access to the entire Ninth Circle.”

Kraz: “Is there any way to circumvent them?”

Azoul: “Some of the older demons in the Resistance are trying to remember the topography of the Ninth Circle. They might know of other pathways between the Eighth and Ninth Circles.”

Kraz: “Maybe if they use a small group. Like a squad or two. Something that doesn't look like a frontal assault.”

(Azoul nods)

Azoul: “Good idea. I'll pass it along and hopefully it'll bear fruit.”

(a demon that looks like a cross between a black bear and a hell hound stops at the command center's doorway; a deep voice speaks to Azoul)

Demon: “How is he?”

Azoul: “Better. What's the news at the front?”

Demon: “We almost have complete control of this building. Protective shields are being placed, overlapping when necessary. Reports from the other Circles are mostly positive. Heavy damage is the usual report. The Vestibule level, for instance, has taken the brunt. Mostly scattered piles of rubble and masonry. Some piles are hill-sized. The river of fire near the San Souci Hotel has flooded and set the hotel on fire.”

Azoul: “Keep us informed.”

(the demon nods and hurries away)

Kraz: “Not all good news, but better than it might've been, had the trial not happened today.”

(Azoul smiles)

Azoul: “Now that sounds more like the old Kraz. Do you want anything to eat and/or drink?”

Kraz: “Just a little for now.”

Azoul: “I'll send one of the guards to see what they can find. But I'm not going anywhere. My place is here.”

(Azoul talks to the guards outside the command center; one of the guards hurries away; Azoul comes back into the command center, grabs a chair, pulls it over to the couch, and sits down; Kraz winces a few times as another heavy explosion shakes the room; the computer bank briefly goes dark but then lights up again; Kraz thinks about Oreia, hoping that she's all right wherever she might be)

(a moment later, what looks like a motorbike rider in a black helmet (visor down), black leather jacket, black gloves, black pants, and black pants) appears outside the command center; the guards try to stop the rider from entering the center, but the rider ignores them; the rider lifts their visor to reveal a blackened (as if burnt) skull face; the demons sitting and working at the bank of computers try not to stare in the rider's direction; the rider speaks to Azoul and Kraz in a deep voice)

Rider: “Greetings, Azoul. Greetings, Kraz. It is quite an active day today here in Hell. Your forces and Lord Satan's have kept me rather busy. I almost thought that War had come. But she has not. War did, however, send me a message saying that she hopes to be here momentarily. She has been temporarily delayed on Earth.”

Azoul: “Do we know you? Are you on our side or on the other side?”

Rider: “I am on no one's side. I work alone. I have always done so.”

Azoul: “But who are you?”

Rider: “I am Death.”

Azoul: “I don't think there's anyone here in need of your – ah – services.”

Death: “Correct. However, there are plenty outside of this room, and elsewhere in Hell. If your struggle does not spread further, I should be finished soon and can return whence I came.”

Kraz: “Where did you come from?”

Death: “The trial on top of Glastonbury Tor. The Joint Judgment of the angel Aziraphale and the demon Crowley. The trial has commenced even as I speak here.”

Kraz: “Then you know everyone who is present at it?”

Death: “Indeed. It is part of my job to know all living beings in this universe, both mortal and immortal. There is a specific being who concerns you?”

(Kraz nods)

Kraz: “Her name is Oreia.”

Death: “The succubus. She is there. She is seated in the pew behind the defendants' and plaintiffs' desks. Beside her is the human boy named Adam Young.”

Kraz: “Then she's all right?”

Death: “By your query, you wish to know if she is safe and well?”

(Kraz nods)

Death: “She is safe and well. I must go now. I have much to do here before I return to the trial, where I believe I may be required to speak to the gathered assembly. However, that time has not yet come.”

(Death leaves the room, oblivious to all the fighting; he is only concerned with the dying and the dead)


	21. Chapter 21

(a female arch-demon, about seven feet tall lounges on a long, narrow couch covered in blood-red velvet; her skin seems to be constantly on fire with little fires all over, long dark hair that reaches to her bare feet; her hair sometimes seems to be alive, changing from hair to snakes and back to hair, over and over; her wings are almost as big as her body is; her feet are long; her hands and fingers are long; there are rings on her fingers; she looks bored, but perhaps is really impatient; the video phone near her couch screeches; she answers it)

(a female demon's face appears on the video phone's screen; white shoulder-length hair, pale red eyes, pale white skin)

Familiar female voice (alto range): “Greetings, Lady Semyaza.”

(Semyaza relaxes almost luxuriantly; this is the call she has been waiting for)

Semyaza: “Greetings, Rahab. You bring good news, I hope.”

Rahab: “I do indeed, Milady.”

Semyaza: “Enlighten me, then.”

Rahab: “The uprising of the indigenous demons began several hours earlier than we predicted.”

(Semyaza looks pleased)

Semyaza: “And the cause of the premature start?”

Rahab: “Arrest by ISF officers of the demon Kraz and his subsequent disappearance. It is unknown if Kraz still exists or if he has been destroyed. Either way, the uprising continues, becoming progressively more violent.”

Semyaza: “Excellent. And Lord Satan and his Court?”

Rahab: “As far as we know, they are still at the trial of Aziraphale and Crowley on Earth.”

Semyaza: “Then it is possible that Satan has not be informed of the abrupt change to his infernal realm?”

Rahab: “One can assume this. But it is not certain. He may be choosing to direct his forces from afar.”

Semyaza: “And keep his hands clean? To what purpose? For what benefit? Either he is gambling that his forces will win even when he is absent from Hell, or someone is blocking reports from reaching him.”

Rahab: “Or possibly both?”

Semyaza: “A distant possibility. If he is gambling, he will lose all. If he cannot receive reports from Hell, he will remain ignorant for at least a little while longer. In the meantime, we must make our move to gain and consolidate our control over Hell.”

Rahab: “Understood, Milady. Your orders?”

Semyaza: “Put me in contact with Kraz – or, if he no longer exists, whomever is the current leader of the Resistance.”

Rahab: “Shall I explain why you wish to speak with them?”

Semyaza: “Leave that to me.”

(Rahab nods)

Rahab: “One moment, Milady.”

(Rahab puts this call on hold; she enters the code that Kraz gave her, and told her to use only in emergencies)

(Kraz answers; there is considerable commotion in the background)

Kraz: “I hope you have a good reason for reaching me right now, Rahab. If not, disconnect immediately.”

Rahab: “I do indeed have a good reason, Kraz. My superior wishes to speak with you directly. Either in-person or via video phone.”

Kraz: “She chose a strange time for it.”

Rahab: “Perhaps. But she was quite insistent. Shall I connect you to her personal video phone?”

(Kraz sighs, sounds like something hurts)

Kraz: “You might as well.”

(Rahab presses a button on the keypad next to her video phone; the call is now connected to Semyaza's video phone)

Semyaza: “Kraz? I would see your face to know if it is truly you.”

Kraz: “I do not have access to a video phone at the moment. I am using one of Nergal's comm units.”

Semyaza: “And he didn't mind?”

Kraz: “He was destroyed with Holy Water less than hour ago.”

Semyaza: “Someone dared to destroy him?”

Kraz: “It was done by a friend of mine who will remain nameless for now. Had my friend not destroyed Nergal, Nergal would've destroyed me and we would not be speaking with one another.”

Semyaza: “Tell your friend it was a worthy deed. I will thank them personally later, if I am able to.”

Kraz: “I will do so.”

Semyaza: “But that is not the main reason for my need to speak with you. Lord Satan appears to have to gone to this trial on Earth, and taken about a dozen or so of his strongest demons and devils. Otherwise, your uprising would have failed almost immediately.”

Kraz: “We know. That's why it began prematurely. The decision wasn't mine.”

Semyaza: “Your Resistance thinks highly of you.”

Kraz: “As I do of them.” (he sounds like he's in pain) “I trust that you will get to the point more than you already have? I hurt and the medical treatment I received works best if I am in a relaxed, horizontal position.”

Semyaza: “I am offering the assistance of my forces. Should Satan return earlier than expected with his subordinates, my forces may be all that stands between your Resistance and total failure.”

Kraz: “And the price for this assistance? Because I, for one, do not believe you would offer it without expecting something in return.”

Semyaza: “You know me too well, Kraz.”

Kraz: “Long experience with the infernal hierarchy.”

Semyaza: “I wish to retake control of Hell from Lucifer and Satan. And I would prefer that you do not express any complaints in the matter.”

Kraz: “This uprising was to free us from Lucifer and Satan, and those who serve them. Not to replace them with you and yours.”

Semyaza: “I help you; you stay out of my way.”

Kraz: “The way I see it is this: If you don't help us, we fail and the status quo stays the same. If you do help us, we succeed and you do not retake the Throne. Either way, you will not regain control.”

Semyaza: “It may have been that way centuries ago, but not today. If you refuse our assistance, do the wise thing: Stay out of our way or we will wage war against your forces as well. Do we have an agreement?”

Kraz: “Check your incoming reports. You'll see that we are doing quite well without extra help.”

Semyaza: “Except at the Ninth Circle. The Throne is too well protected.”

Kraz: “And you think that you have the means to retake it?”

Semyaza: “I do.”

Kraz: “Perhaps you should've made this overture sooner than you did. I might've been more open to it. But right now? No thanks. Good luck, Semyaza. You'll need it.”

(the call abruptly ends)

(Semyaza throws something heavy at her video phone; thankfully the video phone is shielded and the heavy object bounces off of it and lands on the floor, tumbling a few feet after landing)

Semyaza: “I will have your head on a platter, Kraz! This I swear by all the Fallen Angels of Hell!”

(her video phone signals an incoming call; Semyaza answers it; Rahab's face appears on the screen)

Rahab: “From your facial expression, it seems that your conversation with Kraz went badly, Milady.”

Semyaza: “That's putting it mildly.”

Rahab: “What do you wish me to do next?”

Semyaza: “Send the elite troops down to the Ninth Circle and have them assault the defenses there. They may not be able to breach the defenses and reach the Throne, but they'll keep Satan's troops busy and unable to combine with troops on other Circles. Aerial troops are to attack the ISF's central command and all auxiliary buildings. They are to destroy any being that tries to prevent them from reaching any of the rooms inside the building, whether they are Satan's forces or those of the Resistance. If they reach where Kraz currently is, they are to take him prisoner, remove him from the building, and bring him here.”

(Rahab nods and records all this)

Rahab: “Is that all?”

Semyaza: “Find Abaddon. Tell him I would speak with him at his earliest convenience.”

Rahab: “I will do so, Milady. And if he refuses to speak with you?”

Semyaza: “Tell him that either he speaks with me, or his head will be separated from his neck. And I will do it myself.”

(Semyaza's expression isn't one that Rahab ever hopes to see again)

Rahab: “Yes, Milady.”

(Rahab's face disappears from the video phone's screen)

Semyaza: “If only I knew who I hate worse: Satan and Lucifer, or Kraz and the Resistance. Blast and char them all! I will be back on the Throne even if it means destroying most of Hell in the process.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I confess that there are types of scenes I don't think I'm a good writer of: action scenes and court scenes. I think action scenes are comparatively easier for me. I won't be surprised if a reader (or more than one reader) comments, "Um, that court scene in Chapter 22 really didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Could you please rewrite it so that it makes more sense?" Also, it's a bit on the lengthy side. Once I finish the overall story, I will definitely go back to this chapter and do some serious editing/rewriting of it. I think it needs it more than any of the previous chapters do.

Metatron: “Yes, Aziraphale?”

(Aziraphale stands up)

Aziraphale: “If I may make a preliminary statement. That is, if the plaintiffs do not have one of their own to make?”

(Gabriel gestures that Aziraphale go first)

Aziraphale: “Thank you, Gabriel.”

(Aziraphale steps around the desk he shares with Crowley, walks almost up to the Judges' seats, and then turns around to face everyone who isn't a judge; he nods at the angels, whose faces are devoid of expression; then he nods at the demons and devils, who narrow their eyes at him and frown)

Aziraphale: “Ah, yes. Well, I suppose that came as no great surprise.”

Metatron: “Get on with it, Aziraphale. You are wasting precious time.”

Aziraphale: “Understood. I will get to the point.”

Satan: “Please do, or I'll prod you with my trident.” (Satan brandishes it; the trident's three points glow as if they're red-hot)

Aziraphale: “Yes, yes, of course.”

(Aziraphale takes a deep breath; he tries not to glance in Crowley's direction; but Aziraphale does notice that Death is absent; has anyone else noticed? hard to tell; and is Death planning to return to this trial?)

Aziraphale: “I realize that what has occurred has no precedent. Not even six thousand years ago when those who would later fall from Heaven were consorting with human females. I trust I do not need to go into detail?”

(the angels look startled, then shake their heads)

Aziraphale: “I rather suspected I would not have to. There are some things that should remain hidden from common knowledge, which I rather agree with. Personal relationships – whether carnal in nature or not – being one of them. I have spent the better part of three and a half centuries living amongst humans in London. Most do not come into my bookshop, to browse the stacks, peruse the volume on them, and perhaps even purchase a few. But those that do have proven to be intelligent, friendly, and worth getting to know. The other humans I have come into contact with have been at other places in London. Parks, restaurants, and the like. They have mostly been willing to accept what they might not overtly accept. Romantic couples who might be a little bit inebriated and therefore willing to dispense with propriety in public. But also friends who enjoy spending time together. Such as Crowley and myself.”

(Crowley silently nods)

Aziraphale: “Granted our friendship has not always been a smooth one. There have been ups, downs, bumpy times that would remind you of a cobble-stoned street, or – thankfully rarely – like being in the equivalent of a minefield. After our meeting on the wall around the Garden of Eden, we met elsewhere. The loading of animals on the Ark, for instance (though I am still not entirely certain what happened to the fleeing unicorn), the crucifixion on Golgotha, ancient Rome, the Globe Theatre, and so on. One would think that an angel and a demon would have nothing in common. What could they possible have to share that the other one was even remotely interested in? I have asked that question myself, sometimes silently, sometimes aloud. And yet, time and time again, I find myself unable to stay away from Crowley for any serious length of time. His friendship, warts and all, is one that I cherish and that I shall always cherish. Whether we are drunk and discussing the brain sizes of porpoises, whales, and kraken, or other subjects. I relish the fact that we can discuss almost anything without offending each other. This is almost unheard of in Heaven or – as Crowley has sometimes told me – in Hell.”

Gabriel: “What benefit could one gain from friendship? Something that requires a great deal of time to build up and maintain. And the return on such investment? Poor, at best.”

Aziraphale: “I would beg to differ, Gabriel. Perhaps you have spent far too much time in Heaven. I would recommend that you spend a little bit more time on Earth among humans. They have much to teach you that cannot be learned in either Heaven or Hell.”

(a devil suddenly appears next to where Satan is sitting; Crowley recognizes the devil as Beelzebub; Beelzebub isn't his usual overconfident, preening, pretentious self; instead, he seems ill at ease, perhaps even uncomfortable; Beelzebub leans in close to Satan's left ear and quickly whispers something; Satan stares, then turns to look at Beelzebub; Beelzebub nods)

Satan: “I wish to request a recess. Effective immediately.”

Aziraphale: “Excuse me? I believe I have the rest of my statement to make.”

Satan: “Immaterial. My presence is required in Hell.”

(Aziraphale turns to the Metatron)

Aziraphale: “Sir? Is this request permitted? I thought that this trial was of utmost urgency, unavoidable. Why else are we all here on neutral ground?”

(the Metatron looks over at Satan)

Metatron: “The angel makes an excellent point.”

Satan: “The angel is unaware of the current situation in Hell.”

Metatron: “That is beside the point. This trial was requested by both of us and our subordinates. It will continue on, even if it means that you cannot come and go as you wish. I am as restricted in my movements as you are.”

Satan: “But I protest!”

Metatron: “Protest denied.”

(Satan's horns are smoking furiously and he looks like he'd love to jump right at the Metatron and wring his neck)

Satan: “I'll have you know –”

Metatron: “Either this trial continues, or the charges will be dismissed. There are no other options available. Which option would you prefer?”

(small flames come out of Satan's nostrils)

Satan: “You presume too much, Voice of God.”

Metatron: “Perhaps. But I do try to abide by the rules. Please continue with your statement, Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale: “Ah. Thank you, sir. Thank you.”

(Aziraphale clears his throat, trying not to look overtly pleased at the absolute fury on Satan's face)

Gabriel: “May I respond to what you said before we were rudely interrupted?”

Aziraphale: “You may indeed.”

Gabriel: “Thank you. For those of us whose experience on Earth is meager or nonexistent, we must remain ignorant. That is the nature of our positions in our respective hierarchies. We do not usually work among mortals.”

Aziraphale: “Though you have been known to exercise among them.”

Gabriel: “I was jogging in the park, yes.”

Aziraphale: “Among humans.”

Gabriel: “Without making contact with any of them. I only spoke with you.”

Aziraphale: “But didn't you have any desire at all –”

Gabriel: “I am an angel. I am devoid of desire.”

(Agnes snorts and Gabriel gives her an angry look)

Agnes: “I disagree, Gabriel. You do have desires. They simply might not be such as a mortal would understand.”

Gabriel: “That has no bearing here.”

Agnes: “Doesn't it? What is being discussed and argued here? That two beings, an angel and a demon, wish to continue a very long friendship, with the hope that it could become deeper and possibly permanent. No different than two mortals who fall in love, wish to marry in the eyes of God, and start a family.”

(Newt and Anathema smile at each other)

Gabriel: “The situation is different today.”

Agnes: “Again, I disagree. There are relationships today that are permitted when they were not in my time, or, for that matter, only thirty or forty years ago. If the mortals are allowed to, then why is there a restriction against the same happening amongst angels and demons?”

(this is not something that Gabriel seems to want to discuss at all; he turns to the two Judges)

Metatron: “Her point is valid. Your opinion doesn't seem to hold water, Gabriel.”

Satan: “Or any other liquid. Maybe there's a sieve in it somewhere.”

(Aziraphale covers his mouth with his hand, hiding a smile)

Metatron: “Do you have anything else to say, Gabriel, or is Aziraphale permitted to continue and finish his statement?”

(Gabriel sighs heavily and unhappily)

Gabriel: “Oh, go ahead. Not like it's going to affect the outcome, after all.”

Agnes: “I wouldn't be so certain if I were you, Gabriel.”

(the Metatron interrupts)

Metatron: “If I had a gavel, I would bang it and demand order in the Court. Aziraphale. If you would continue please? And do not take forever in doing so. Creation has all Eternity, but we who exist within it do have other duties we must perform, duties that have been postponed during this trial.”

Aziraphale: “Yes, yes. Of course. My apologies. I simply wanted to lay the groundwork.”

Metatron: “And it seems you have successfully done so. Your concluding remarks?”

Aziraphale: “There is a phrase in the New Testament of The Bible. One that was stated by Jesus himself. 'Love thy neighbor as thyself.' Jesus did not specify who that neighbor might be. In fact, I rather suspect that 'neighbor' symbolized and included all other beings besides oneself. No exceptions. With that in mind, I do love my neighbor. Very much. And, unless I am sadly mistake, the feeling is mutual.”

(Crowley silently nods)

Aziraphale: “Therefore I question why this is considered such a terrible thing in the eyes of both Heaven and Hell? Is it a sin to love one another? If so, then there have been far more sins in God's Creation than the one that Eve committed out of ignorance – and the temptation of a certain serpent – in the Garden of Eden. Like Eve, I do not believe I have sinned. I simply wish to spend as much of the rest of Eternity as possible with the person I love. Is that asking too much?”

(there is silence in the “courtroom”)

Aziraphale: “That's all I have to say right now.”

(Aziraphale walks back to the desk he shares with Crowley and sits back down in his chair)

(Crowley whispers to him)

Crowley: “I didn't know you had it in you, angel.”

(Aziraphale whispers back)

Aziraphale: “I didn't, either. But I thought of you and the times we've shared, both good and not so good, and the words came to me. I hope I didn't offend you.”

Crowley: “Not even the slightest bit.”

Satan: “Now that we've gotten that silly part out of the way. Who would like to call witnesses first? Plaintiffs? Or defendants?”

(Gabriel and Michael glance at Aziraphale and Crowley; the latter shrug)

Gabriel: “I guess we'll go first, then.”

(Gabriel stands and walks toward the Judges' seats)

Gabriel: “For my first witness, I call forth … the demon Crowley.”

(Crowley nods, stands up, walks over to the witness box and sits down in it)

Crowley: “You're not going to make me swear on The Bible, I hope.”

(Gabriel shakes his head)

Gabriel: “You'd probably burn your hand if you laid it on The Bible. But do you still promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you – well – whoever?”

Crowley: “I do.”

(Gabriel nods)

Gabriel: “Now, tell the Court your name.”

Crowley: “My original angelic name, my name when I was a serpent, or the name I've been using for the past four thousand years?”

Gabriel: “I suppose all of them.”

Crowley: “Raphael. Crawley. And Crowley.”

Gabriel: “Back when you were Raphael, when you were an angel in Heaven, do you remember what, if any, restrictions were already in place for all angels?”

Crowley: “Like it was yesterday.”

Gabriel: “Enlighten the Court, if you would.”

Satan: “Do I have to listen to this filth?”

Metatron: “Yes, you do. So shut up already.”

Crowley: “Angels are not permitted any contact with mortals beyond conversing with them. Angels are not allowed to give mortals any material objects.” (Aziraphale looks sheepish and gazes at the desktop in front of him) “Angels are to follow orders to the letter. No exceptions. Any mistakes will require paperwork to be filled out and submitted. Miracles are to be used sparingly, if at all. And no angel is to converse with, much less fraternize with, a demon or a devil. That's it in a nutshell. The official version is considerably longer.”

(Gabriel smiles approvingly)

Gabriel: “Excellent memory considering that it's been more than six thousand years since that time.”

Crowley: “Not like I'd forget something like that.”

Gabriel: “Fair enough. Then please tell the Court what the equivalent infernal rules are.”

Crowley: “Demons and devils are not permitted any contact with mortals, unless that contact includes temptation, torture, seduction, and conversion from Heavenly to Hellish. Demons and devils are not allowed to give mortals any assistance whatsoever. Demons and devils are to follow orders to the letter. Any exceptions that do not improve the situation in as heinous a fashion as possible are not permitted. Use of Holy Water is strictly forbidden. Demonic miracles are to be used sparingly, if at all. And no demon or devil is to converse with, much less fraternize with, an angel – unless this includes temptation, torture, seduction, and conversion from Heavenly to Hellish. That's the short form. The official form isn't much longer. I suppose that if you need a copy of it, you can just ask Hastur to provide you one.”

Gabriel: “I don't think I'll have to. What find interesting is this: You not only know the rules, you know what can and can't be done, what rule-bending is permitting and what rule-bending is not permitted, and so on. And yet – you chose to speak with and become friends with an angel.”

(Crowley shrugs at first, but then gets angry)

Crowley: “It's not the end of the world, so what's all the fuss about? If it was going to trigger another chance of Armageddon, where's the harm? Your gang and Hastur's gang wanted Armageddon to happen so much, and you were all so furious when it didn't happen. So if Aziraphale and I continue to be friends, or more than friends, or – if we can find a way to do it – get married, why is it anyone's business in Heaven or Hell? Because it isn't. It's our life, it's our business. And you just can't keep your stupid little nose out of it, can you? Bunch of uncaring, invasive bureaucrats who wouldn't know love if it came up and kicked them where the sun doesn't shine.”

(Satan hides a smile; maybe that's what he wishes he could do to the Metatron, and the Metatron probably knows it; one advantage of being a ghostly head like the Metatron and Agnes Nutter – you can't hurt it in any physical way)

Gabriel: “We know about love, Crowley. Of course we do!”

Crowley: “So prove it. Right here, right now. Show me what love is.”

(Gabriel sputters, trying to figure out how he got cornered like this)

Crowley: “But you can't. Because there's never been any being, angelic, human, or demonic, that you ever really cared about. Either your job won't allow it, or you simply chose to dispense with it. Well, some of us seem to think more highly of love than you do. Some of us think that it's one of the best things – if not the best thing – in all of God's Creation.”

(Gabriel takes a deep breath, lets it out)

Gabriel: “No more questions, Your Honors.”

Metatron: “You may return to your desk, Crowley.”

(Crowley nods and does so)

Metatron: “Any other witnesses, Gabriel?”

(Gabriel nods)

Gabriel: “For my second witness, I call forth … Adam Young.”

(Adam looks a little surprised, but he stands up, walks over to the witness box, and sits down in it; Gabriel holds a closed Bible in his hands; Adam puts his left hand on it)

Gabriel: “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

Adam: “I do.”

(Gabriel nods and places The Bible on the top edge of the “wall” surrounding the Judges' seats; Satan doesn't look too pleased to be so close to The Bible, and tries to keep his distance from it)

Gabriel: “Identify yourself. Name and village where you live.”

Adam: “Adam Young. Lower Tadfield.”

Gabriel: “When did you first meet Aziraphale or Crowley?”

(Adam thinks about it)

Adam: “It was at Tadfield Airbase. On the Saturday that was Armageddon. My three friends I rode there on our bikes. The security guard at the gates wouldn't let us in. But then, for some reason, the outer gate and inner gate opened. The security guard tried to stop us, but we rode past him anyway. Once we were inside, we seemed to be the only ones there, besides the security guard. Then Sargent Shadwell and Madame Tracey arrived on their moped. Then Crowley arrived in his Bentley, which was on fire. Madame Tracey seemed to be speaking with two different voices: her own and a man's voice. I told her that I thought she and Aziraphale should go back to being two separate people. Aziraphale stepped away from her, and they were separate again. Then the Four Horsemen arrived: Famine, War, Death, and Pollution. After that, Gabriel appeared and so did Beelzebub.”

Gabriel: “You didn't need to go quite into so much detail, but never mind.”

(Gabriel looks thoughtful)

Gabriel: “I remember that you and your friends faced off with the Four Horsemen and you won. The only Horseman who didn't disappear was Death.”

(Gabriel looks behind the pew where Newt, the breadbox, Anathema, and Oreia are sitting; Death is there again, standing patiently; where Death had been, Death did not say)

Death: “I had nowhere to go at that moment. And there was nothing any of you mortals or immortals could have done to banish me. Death be not denied.”

Gabriel: “Yes, of course. And then Aziraphale grabbed the Flaming Sword from where War had dropped it, and he spoke to Crowley.”

Aziraphale: “I said, 'Do something … or I'll never speak to you again.' And he did.”

Crowley: “We told Adam that his real father was very angry.”

Adam: “And I said that my father wouldn't hurt anyone.”

Crowley: “Not your earthly father, but Satan.”

Gabriel: “And soon after, Adam's infernal father, Satan, arrived.”

Satan: “In much better form than right now. But I was – informed – that I should use a human form today instead of my normal form.”

Adam: “And I told you that you weren't my real father. That made it difficult for you to stay on Earth. You were forced to go back to Hell.”

(Satan smiles, nods approvingly)

Satan: “A chip off the old block, kid. If I'd been able to do the same back when I was in Heaven, I would've. Lucifer warned me, though, that you don't mess with God. Not if you have any common sense.”

Adam: “And once you were gone, my father drove up in his car, parked it, and came over to us, demanding to know what in the world was going on.”

Satan: “You may have denied that I was your real father, but it didn't remove your infernal powers.”

Adam: “But when I went to Hell with Hastur, he said that my powers would work in Hell.”

(Satan stares angrily at Hastur and almost roars at him)

Satan: “You told my son – what???”

(Hastur looks as if he wishes he could be anywhere but in this “courtroom”)

Hastur: “A harmless lie, Lord Satan. Just a little one. I didn't think it would do any harm. After all, I was still hopeful that something in Hell would tempt Adam, would make me choose to stay in Hell. But time and again, that didn't happen. The stubborn little fool insisted on being – human.”

Adam: “Who would want to stay in Hell when there's all of Earth to experience?”

Hastur: “You've only seen Lower Tadfield, the airbase, the British Museum, and Aziraphale's bookshop.”

Adam: “And Glastonbury and the Tor we're standing on.”

Hastur: “Not quite all of the Earth.”

Adam: “But some of the best parts of it, in my opinion. The parts that include my parents and my friends.”

(Adam rolls his eyes and sighs)

Adam: “Not as if you'd know what a friend was. I bet you've never had even one in your whole entire existence.”

Gabriel: “Your Honors? If I may continue?”

(the Metatron and Satan both nod)

Gabriel: “Thank you. That was roughly how long ago, Adam?”

Adam: “About two years. I was twelve then. I'm fourteen now.”

Gabriel: “And you had no contact whatsoever with Aziraphale or Crowley during those two years?”

Adam: “None.”

Gabriel: “But suddenly you go to the British Museum with – I believe her name is Anathema Device? – and just happen to meet up with both Aziraphale and Crowley. Quite a coincidence, I must say.”

Anathema: “It wasn't a coincidence. Agnes' prophecy told us what to do.”

(Gabriel looks at her)

Gabriel: “And you have no problem with doing what a dead witch tells you to do?”

Anathema: “She's my ancestress. And no, I don't. I'm a witch who uses her eyes and her brain. Which is more than I can say for you.”

(Gabriel tugs at his shirt collar and coughs; he turns back to Adam)

Adam: “We were there to find Agnes' library. Which turned out to be a bread box.”

(Gabriel looks as if this was absolutely ridiculous)

Gabriel: “A bread box? Seriously?”

(Adam nods)

Adam: “And inside it was her pamphlet, with all her additional prophecies written in it.”

Agnes: “Surely you don't expect me to hide the pamphlet and myself in a butter-churn. The bread box was much more comfortable. Especially considering I had stay hidden in it for over three hundred years. You try doing that, Gabriel. I don't think you'd last more than a day or two.”

(Gabriel tries to stay calm and relaxed; he's not entirely successful)

Gabriel: “And then what?”

Adam: “Hastur arrived. I think he was looking for us first, and then spotted the Mini with Aziraphale and Crowley inside it.”

Hastur: “Kill two birds with one stone. Or in this case, four birds.”

Adam: “We managed to get almost to the Terrace Restaurant on the first floor, when Hastur took over my body. He wanted Crowley, but ended up getting me instead. We left the British Library and went down to Hell. It turned out that Crowley had stowed away, in the shape of a fly hiding under my shirt collar. You already know what happened in Hell.”

Gabriel: “Not all of it. You encountered a female demon – a succubus – twice. Once on the Vestibule level and again at the check-in desk at the San Souci Hotel.”

(Adam nods)

Gabriel: “You didn't think it was odd that she was so friendly so soon?”

(Adam shakes his head)

Gabriel: “Seriously? You would trust someone that quickly.”

Adam: “It's like when people say they fall in love with someone at first sight. You've never met them before, but somehow it's them and no one else. I wouldn't know. I've never fallen in love at first sight.”

Gabriel: “Not even once?”

(Adam shakes his head)

Gabriel: “So sad. I thought it was something that you humans thought highly of.”

(Adam shrugs)

Adam: “I'm only fourteen. Maybe when I'm a little older it'll happen.”

Gabriel: “And yet, despite not having any romantic feelings for her, you left the hotel with her.”

(Aziraphale whispers to Crowley)

Aziraphale: “How does he know all this?”

(Crowley shrugs and whispers back)

Crowley: “I don't know. But I think I guess one possible source.”

Aziraphale: “Who?”

Crowley: “Hastur. And he probably wasn't exactly thrilled at having to tell Gabriel about it.”

Adam: “Yes, sir. We walked along the burning river and then under a foot-bridge.”

Gabriel: “Pretty cosy there. Not much room. You'd have to get pretty close, even if you were able to crouch or kneel.”

Adam: “If you're trying to pin anything on us –”

Metatron: “False accusations are not permitted in this Court.”

Satan: “Unfortunately.”

Metatron: “Keep to the truth, Gabriel, or I will terminate your questioning of this witness.”

Gabriel: “Yes, sir. What happened next, Adam?”

Adam: “She – Oreia, I mean – that's her name – had one of these things that could transport you from Hell to Earth (or I guess Earth to Hell). It could only be used once. She wanted me to use it and leave her behind. But I didn't want to leave her behind her. I made her go with me.”

Gabriel: “Ah. The power of persuasion.”

Crowley: “I wouldn't exactly call it persuasion, Gabriel. Still – he's only fourteen, as he said – and probably not a great deal of experience with human girls. Mistakes happen when you're ignorant and inexperienced.”

Adam: “I did apologize to her, after we arrived on Earth. We landed inside a wardrobe in an upstairs guest room at Aziraphale's bookshop in London. That turned out to be the guest room Anathema and Newt were sleeping in. They woke up and we explained what happened. Then we went downstairs, had breakfast (which Anathema and Aziraphale made in the kitchen). And then we drove to Glastonbury, had some coffee and tea in a restaurant, and then came here to the top of the Tor.”

Gabriel: “No further questions.”

(Adam steps down and goes back to the pew; he sits down next to Oreia again)

Gabriel: “For my third witness, I call forth – Oreia.”

(Gabriel gestures to Oreia, and points at the witness box; Oreia nods, stands up, and goes to the witness box; she sits down in it; Gabriel holds The Bible in his hands, and she holds her hand, palm-downward, a few inches above its surface)

Gabriel: “Do you swear to the tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you – whatever?”

Oreia: “I do.”

(Gabriel nods and puts The Bible back where it was)

Gabriel: “Identify yourself, please. Name, species, and place of residence.”

Oreia: “Oreia. Succubus. Apartment in a building on Hell's Vestibule level.”

Gabriel: “How long did you live there?”

Oreia: “A little over four centuries. I lived in another building on another street before that.”

Gabriel: “Did you live alone?”

Oreia: “Most of the time. I did have a pet or several years.”

Gabriel: “What sort of pet?”

Oreia: “A female hell hound. I named her Kali.”

Gabriel: “No friends?”

Oreia: “One neighbor. We became very good friends. She was the one who recommended the place where I got Kali. But outside of that building, no one until I met Kraz one day.”

Gabriel: “And who is Kraz?”

Oreia: “An incubus. I don't know where he came from. He lived in a building across the street, on one of the upper floors. We met at the empty fountain in the square behind my building. We weren't the only people there. There were a few others. But the area was mostly abandoned and had been like that since before I moved there. I think it used to be a popular area to live in until the Fallen Angels arrived in Hell.”

Gabriel: “The buildings in your neighborhood were that old?”

Oreia: “Most were. They weren't in the best shape, though. I had to do a lot of repair work.”

Gabriel: “Must have had a nice landlord.”

Oreia: “There wasn't any landlord. Not in that building or in any other building in that area. We just sort of moved in when it didn't seem like anyone else wanted to. It wasn't illegal.”

Satan: “Of course not. An abandoned residence can be occupied by anyone. Even by a previous resident. One of my better infernal rules. I wish they were all so simple and straightforward.”

Gabriel: “So you met Kraz and became friends.”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “And later on, he invited me to join his Resistance group. It wasn't the only such group. There were others scattered about the Vestibule level, and maybe one or two more on the same level as the San Souci Hotel. The groups rarely contacted each other. Too many times could get the attention of the Infernal Security Forces.”

Gabriel: “And then what?”

Oreia: “We would have meetings. Never in the same place, or even in the same building. Discuss what we would do if we could make changes in Hell. Some of us stole weapons and hid them in our lairs. The last meeting was in a cellar. It was after I'd met Hastur and a human boy. The human boy turned out to be Adam. I told Kraz that I wanted to meet the human boy again and Kraz thought it would be too risky, too dangerous. But then he saw that I was determined to do it anyway. He told me to be careful. Later that day, I went to the San Souci Hotel. I assumed that it was the most likely place for Hastur and the human boy to visit. And there they were at the check-in desk. At first, everything seemed fairly normal, and then the clerk noticed that there was an extra person we couldn't see, but the security system could. It turned out to be Crowley.”

Gabriel: “Just hanging around, Crowley?”

(Crowley frowns and shakes his head)

Crowley: “Nothing like wandering around Carnaby Street. I wanted to keep an eye on Adam. In the hope that I might be able to help him escape from Hell. After all, I'd been to Hell before, and Adam hadn't.”

Gabriel: “But you didn't help him escape. Oreia did.”

(Crowley nods)

Crowley: “I was still with Hastur. We were in the same restaurant that Adam and Oreia had gone to, before they went outside and walked over to the foot-bridge.”

Gabriel: “Tell the Court what happened when you and Adam hid under the foot-bridge, Oreia.”

(Oreia frowns at him)

Oreia: “You make it sound like we were doing something intimate or illicit. We weren't.”

Gabriel: “But you could've been?”

Oreia: “With someone I knew well, maybe. But Adam and I were still getting to know each other.”

(Oreia sighs sadly)

Oreia: “I'd resigned myself to the fact that this would probably be the last time we would be together. I would stay in Hell and he would escape back to Earth. Only it didn't happen like that. When I was showing him how to use the transport tablet, he said he didn't want to go back alone. He wanted me to go with him. And that's what happened. Next thing I knew, we were on Earth. Inside what Adam called a 'wardrobe'. Our arrival woke up the people in the bed – which turned out to be Anathema and Newt. We talked a bit and then went downstairs and had breakfast with Aziraphale. After breakfast, Adam and I went out the bookstore's back door and talked for a bit. We didn't have much time. Aziraphale said we would have to leave for Glastonbury soon. In Earthly terms, it would take almost three hours to get there.”

Gabriel: “Did Crowley go with you?”

(Oreia shook her head)

Aziraphale: “Crowley and Hastur went in Crowley's car.”

(Gabriel turns to Aziraphale)

Gabriel: “And you know this – how?”

Aziraphale: “Crowley and I spoke before he and Hastur left for Glastonbury. At the bookshop's front door. Agnes was also there. I didn't tell the others that Crowley had arrived and I'd spoken with him. I wasn't sure how they would react.”

Gabriel: “So you lied to them?”

(Aziraphale shakes his head)

Aziraphale: “I just didn't tell them. Discretion is the better part of valor.”

Gabriel: “Doesn't sound like it would take much courage to avoid telling them.”

(Aziraphale looks unhappy; he doesn't look at Oreia, Adam, Anathema, or Newt)

Aziraphale: “I suppose not.”

Agnes: “Don't be so hard on him, Gabriel. After all, I didn't tell them either.”

Gabriel: “What else, Oreia?”

Oreia: “We arrived in Glastonbury, had coffee and tea at a restaurant. Death was there and we spoke with him. Then he left, and we headed for the Tor. Hastur and Crowley were already there. In case you're wondering, no, I didn't see any intimacy between Aziraphale and Crowley. I think they were just happy to see each other again.”

Gabriel: “No more questions.”

(Oreia steps out of the witness box and goes back to the pew, where she sits down next to Adam again)

(Oreia whispers to Adam)

Oreia: “How long do these trials take?”

(Adam shrugs and whispers back)

Adam: “I don't know. This is the first one I've ever been to.”

Oreia: “And what does all this have to do with proving that love between an angel and a demon is worthy of punishment, whether mild or severe?”

Adam: “I wish I knew. Gabriel must have a reason for what he's doing, or he wouldn't do it.”

Metatron: “I move that we recess for an hour. Let those of us who are flesh-and-blood move about a bit, stretch our legs, that sort of thing.” (he looks severely at Satan) “And this does not mean you are excused so that you can go back to Hell.”

(Satan rolls his eyes, seeing that there's nothing he can do about it)

Satan: “Fine by me.”

Metatron: “Court is in recess.”


	23. Chapter 23

(Azoul smiles and shakes his head)

Azoul: “You do enjoy playing with fire, don't you?”

Kraz: “Not literally. But if it provokes her into making a serious mistake, then it may actually help the Resistance. Whatever or whomever is forcing Satan to remain at the trial – the longer he's there the better our chances will be. If he returns to Hell with just half of his demons and devils, things could get very chancy here.”

Azoul: “Do you think that Semyaza will play interference, whether she's aware that she's doing it or not?”

Kraz: “If she gets angry enough, she just might do more than she meant to.”

Azoul: “And if she gets her – or one of her minions' – claws on you – what then?”

Kraz: “We'll come to that bridge when we come to it.”

Azoul: “I think we'd better relocate you to a safer place.”

Kraz: “Safer than this?”

Azoul: “This isn't as safe as it looks. Convenient, yes, but safe? Debatable. All it would take is a direct hit by one of Semyaza's weapons to wipe out this building and everyone inside it.”

Kraz: “And you're wondering if she has any such weapon?”

(Azoul nods)

Kraz thinks about that; and while he thinks, the fighting seems to be ebbing somewhat; at least the fighting nearest their area; what few prisoners were captured are being marched to a holding area somewhere else inside the building; the prisoners seem to be – from what little Kraz can see from where he's lying down on the couch – lesser demons and devils; there aren't any greater or major ones; which means either they're still at the trial on Earth, or manning the defenses in front of the Throne, or both)

Kraz: “What other locations are you considering?”

Azoul: “There's Dis. The forces inside the city put up a fight at first, but they seem to be retreating.” (he taps something resting near the entry to one of his ears; a portable comm link of some kind; it's partially connected to the ISF's computer system, but also has wireless connections to other comm links) “I've been receiving reports periodically. Dis has been evacuated. Whether it will be re-occupied is unknown right now. But the only forces inside it at the moment are ours. There has been extensive damage inside the city, but the walls are at least half intact. Repairs are being made to the rest of the fortifications.”

Kraz: “What about Semyaza's forces? Any sign of them yet?”

(Azoul pauses, listening to his comm link, then nods)

Azoul: “One division of her troops has been spotted on the Eighth Circle, heading for the Ninth Circle. Another division is headed this way, this time with the aerial support of flying demons and devils as well as fire dragons)

Kraz: “Sounds like either she doesn't plan to take prisoners, or she wants to make sure no one escapes. Your idea of going elsewhere is beginning to sound better now.”

Azoul: “I'll need to stay here for as long as possible. But I think I can get at least two winged demons to carry you to Dis.”

Kraz: “I'll contact you if I encounter any problems. I have a comm unit.” (he takes it out of a pocket and shows it to Azoul)

Azoul: “That doesn't have enough range.” (he hands what looks like a copy of the comm link in his ear to Kraz) “As long as no one jams it, this has enough range from here to the Throne.”

(Kraz accepts it and inserts just slightly into one of his ears)

Kraz: “I don't recall seeing these or any mention of them at any of the Resistance meetings. Where did you find them?”

Azoul: “In Nergal's office. The one-use transport devices were already destroyed. But the comm links were stored in a metal box. The metal box was in the back of one of the long file system drawers. The drawer seemed empty until we searched all the way to its back end. That's where we found the box. It was easy extricating it, but we managed to. There were at least two dozen of these inside the box. I took two, and gave the rest to my subcommanders. I figured you would've done the same had you been there instead of me.”

(Kraz nods)

Kraz: “I wonder what else was stored in Nergal's office. There might have been other useful items.”

(Azoul shakes his head)

Azoul: “Sorry to disappoint you, but these comm links were the only intact items. Everything else was either destroyed or removed and taken elsewhere.”

Kraz: “Can't have everything our way, I guess.”

(Azoul doesn't answer; he's listening to his comm link; he smiles at Kraz)

Azoul: “This much is, though. Two of the flying demons are on their way here. They were part of the spotting crew on the roof of this building. But I figured we could temporarily spare them. They'll return to the rooftop once they take you to Dis.”

Kraz: “Be careful, Azoul. If Semyaza's troops manage to break into this building, looking for me, they won't be too happy to find you instead.”

Azoul: “I'm well-protected. Those guards near the doorway? Those are just a small part of what is protecting this room and those who are inside it.”

Kraz: “I hope it's enough to keep Semyaza's troops at bay.”

Azoul: “I think it will be.”

(the flying demons arrive; Azoul explains what's needed; both flying demons nod, gently, carefully lift Kraz from his prone position on the couch; they take him to the nearest exit on this level; the exit opens onto a terrace that might have once been a garden of some kind; but none of the plants were decorative; they were the most evil plants that could be found and transplanted here; all the plants have been killed and trampled on, just to make sure they stay dead; from the terrace, Kraz can just barely make out the top of the building and the still shapes of spotters)

(the overland route to Dis turns out to be longer than the aerial route; the flying demons use what cover there is to hide their path; and when there isn't cover closer to the ground, they use the smoke clouds; as they pass from one smoke cloud to another, Kraz looks down and sees a large group of demons heading toward the ISF Command Center; those must be sent by Semyaza, he thinks; unless they're reinforcements for the Resistance; but they wouldn't be reinforcements coming from that direction; that direction leads to the lower Circles; reinforcements would likely come from the upper Circles)

(at one point, there is a large open area above a layer of smoke clouds; the flying demons are forced to either fly across it and descend to below the layer of smoke clouds; they choose to fly across, since it's the shorter, faster route; as they do so, they and Kraz see the large, rounded nose of a flying ship emerging from a smoke cloud ahead of them; more and more of the flying ship emerges, until it seems to be a narrow oval shape about a thousand feet long and about a hundred feet or so in diameter, painted mostly black (which is why it wasn't easy to notice until they were much closer to it than they had intended to be); none of the trio knows where the flying ship originated from; was this something that Semyaza had secretly stored away in case of a situation like the uprising, or is this something that belonged to the ISF?)

(One flying demon speaks to Kraz)

Flying demon: “Sir – should we investigate, to see if they are friend or foe? Or evade them as much as possible? You must decide now, or they will see us and likely pursue and attack us.”

Kraz: “Evade if you can. The Resistance has nothing like that flying ship. At least not that I'm aware of.”

(the flying demon nods and both flying demons descend quickly, keeping to just above the layer of smoke clouds that are the “bottom” of the open area between smoke clouds; the flying ship at first doesn't seem to notice them or bother reacting to their change in altitude; but seconds later, the flying ship slowly turns toward them, and seems to be increasing its forward momentum; the flying demons descend even further, dropping into the layer of smoke clouds; they're about a hundred feet below the layer's surface when the flying ship reaches where they'd been; the flying ship passes that location and continues on; either it lost sight of them, or it was searching for them, or both)

Flying demon: “We cannot fly faster than it can, sir. However, we are near the stairs down to the Fourth Circle. We can fit there, but it's unlikely that the flying ship can.”

Kraz: “Do it.”

Flying demon: “Yes, sir.”

(the flying demons descend through the layer of smoke clouds and narrowly miss several blackened (burnt) treetops that appear seemingly out of nowhere; above and behind, the flying ship is following, but doesn't seem to be moving faster; perhaps this is as fast is it can go; the stairs aren't visible yet; they fly closer to the ground, about five or ten feet above it; it almost feels like Kraz's feet could touch the ground sometimes; he tries to keep his body as horizontal as possible; they hear the sound of crunching treetops can be heard above and behind them; the flying ship is much closer than they expected it to be)

Kraz: “Either they know who we are, or they're just taking the opportunity to either attack us or capture us.” (then his comm link signals an incoming call) “Hold on. Someone is trying to reach me.”

(the flying demons pause, hovering, their wings beating just enough to keep them from moving in any direction; a rough voice speaks to Kraz via the comm link)

Voice: “We have spotted the three of you. As well as the flying ship that is pursuing you.”

Kraz: “Who are you and where are you?”

Voice: “We are members of a local Resistance group. Commander Azoul contacted us a few minutes ago, requesting that if we see you, that we should assist you as much as we are able to. We are located about a hundred feet to your left.”

(Kraz looks in that direction; all he sees is a series of hill-like humps covered with dried magma, logs, and a few burned-out trees)

Kraz: “I still can't see you.”

Voice: “Do you see the humps?”

Kraz: Yes.”

Voice: “We are beneath them. Several dozen feet beneath them.”

Kraz: “How do we reach where you are?”

Voice: “Fly to one of the humps and we will meet you there.”

Kraz: “Which hump?”

Voice: “Any of them. They are all connected to the vertical shafts that lead down to our subterranean fortifications. We have spotters are each hump.”

(Kraz tells the flying demons and they nod; the trio flies to the nearest hump; as they get within range of it, they can see the upper halves of several figures waving to them; the flying demons head for the figures; the flying ship however seems to see the figure as well; it reduces its forward momentum and descends as quickly as it can)

Kraz: “You'd better get us inside quickly. There isn't much time before our pursuit reaches us.”

Voice: “Understood. The flying ship will be dealt with while we are helping you.”

(the flying demons land on top of the hump; abruptly, several long-range weapons – a mix of rocket-launcher and howitzer – pop up out of the ground and aim themselves at the flying ship; the long-range weapons fire at the flying ship, which attempts to defend itself while retreating out of range; as this is going on, the flying demons and Kraz are helped down inside the hump; it's hard to see who is helping them at first, because it's dark near the top of the hump; but there is more light as they descend more deeply)

(at the bottom of the entry/exit shaft is a large chamber; now Kraz and the flying demons can see who had helped them; it seems to be pale-skinned men, shoulder-length white hair, long aquiline noses,, and sharp-tipped ears; long arms and legs; long hands, fingers, feet and toes; they're dressed in dark uniforms, but barefoot and no gloves; Kraz tries not to stare at them; this species has been a legend in Hell since before the Fallen Angels came; Kraz had thought that any reports of them were merely fanciful stories; but now he was face-to-face with the reality; Deep Elves; they weren't plentiful in number long ago, and there seemed to be fewer now, unless more were hidden deeper underground; the leader of the Deep Elves speaks to Kraz)

Leader: “Greetings, Kraz. I am Chadush. It is unusual that we expose ourselves enough to offer assistance to others here in Hell. We prefer to stay hidden.”

Kraz: “You hide so well that few have ever seen you, and those few are rarely believed.”

Chadush: “However we still maintain a minimal amount of contact with those such as yourself and your Resistance.”

(there is a sudden muffled sound like an explosion outside the hump above them)

Chadush: “The gunners report that the flying ship has crashed. There do no seem to be any survivors. They have sent one gunner to search the debris field. This is normal protocol, though it has not been put into action in a very long time.”

Kraz: “Do they know who the flying ship and its crew served with?”

Chadush: “Not yet. Perhaps it will become evident once the debris field has been searched.”

Kraz: “I hope there aren't any boobytraps.”

Chadush: “There is little left that could still be used for such a purpose. Please follow me.”

(the Deep Elf leads the way out of the chamber, down a corridor, which inclines down to the next level; then a right turn and into another corridor, before opening into a dome-shaped chamber about half the size of the one at the bottom of the hump; the chamber is star-shaped; there are long, narrow couches scattered about, as well as tables and chairs, and bookcases filled with books; their covers are written in an ornate, curling, and sometimes jagged script that neither Kraz nor the flying demons can read; there are several Deep Elves in the chamber; they are all much younger than Chadush; it's even possible that at least one of them is descended from him, but Kraz decides that it might not be polite to inquire about it)

Chadush: “We have no central authority like the other species in Hell. What authority we do have comes from taking turns as temporary commander. Currently, I am that person. But when this year is finished, another will take my place.”

Kraz: “Are you aware of what is currently happening in Hell? The uprising and everything else?”

Chadush: “We are aware of some of it, but choose not to become more aware. We prefer to keep to ourselves, since our continued survival as a species depends on staying as hidden as possible. There are others like ourselves in other realms. Some on Earth, some on other worlds, and some in other universes.”

Kraz: “Thank you for rescuing me and my companions, Chadush.”

(Chadush inclines his head briefly)

Chadush: “You are welcome.”

Kraz: “I must ask, though: Is our presence here temporary or permanent?”

Chadush: “That depends on yourselves. You may stay for one day, or you may stay for a thousand years. There is plenty of room for more residents here. Normally we do not invite outsiders into our area of Hell. But there have been times – not merely here and now, but in the past – where we have taken in outsiders, protected them and hidden them, until it was safe for them to continue on their way or for them to return whence they came.”

Kraz: “When was the last time?”

(Chadush thinks about it)

Chadush: “I must convert how we measure time to how you measure time. I believe a little over five thousand years ago. At the time when the beings you call the Fallen Angels arrived in Hell. Some of the indigenous peoples – demons like yourselves – did not wish to become assimilated, and fled into the wilds of Hell. Some came here, not knowing of our existence, and we asked if they wished to be protected and hidden. They said yes, and we did so. It is possible that the other outsiders thought that our guests were either dead or had disappeared elsewhere. But they lived. Which allowed them to repopulate Hell where they could. Some chose to live closer to the top level of Hell, some chose to live deeper – though still not quite as deep as we live. We heard them pass by us, but they did not see or hear us.”

Kraz: “And you were alive then?”

(Chadush nods)

Chadush: “I was a child then. My parents were each roughly a thousand years old when I was born.”

Kraz: “Are they still alive?”

(Chadush shakes his head)

Chadush: “We do not live forever. However, we do live a very long time, as outsiders measure time.”

Kraz: “Have you ever wished to see the Fallen Angels lose dominion over Hell?”

Chadush: “Since they do not control us, their dominion means nothing. We remain apart from the struggles for control that seem to afflict outsiders so much of their existence. We are, I believe, what you call 'neutral'. We do not support, nor do we resist. When we do assist outsiders, it is because we choose to do so. Is this so strange to you?”

Kraz: “Perhaps not strange, but unusual.”

Chadush: “It is sad that you exert so much of yourselves for what we see as pointless. Can you not co-exist without conflict?”

(Kraz smiles; good point, he thinks)

Kraz: “That would be ideal. But apparently, for the time being, an impossibility. We are not pacifists by nature. Peace is something that happens incidentally, not intentionally.”

Chadush: “How odd.” (then he shrugs) “If you thirst or hunger, we can assuage those. If you tire, there are places you can sleep.”

(Kraz discusses this briefly with the flying demons)

Kraz: “Food and drink would suffice for now. And maybe later, somewhere to sleep.”

Chadush: “And your friends – surely they would wish to know where you are and that you are safe.”

Kraz: “I have means to contact them. I don't know if they work underground, but I can try.”

Chadush: “If they do not work, you can use our communications system. It is the same one that was used to communicate with the demon named Azoul.” (he claps his hands; two much younger Deep Elves come over; he speaks to them in their common language, explaining what was needed; they nod and leave the chamber) “They are fetching your food and drink. In the meantime, we can relax on a few of these couches and continue our discussion.”

(Kraz and the flying demons nod; the couches turn out to be firm, but still comfortable; apparently they are for relaxing on, not sleeping on; Kraz wonders if the Deep Elves ever sleep, or of if this is something that they have no need for; again it probably isn't something he could politely inquire about; the couches are placed on all four sides of a beautiful round wooden table, whose surface decoration looks like entwined branches; it almost looks three-dimensionsal, as if Kraz could reach into it)

(Kraz thinks about the uprising and the fighting of the separate forces: the Resistance, the ISF, and Semyaza's faction; it seems unreal here; as if the fighting were happening far far away; almost as if the atmosphere here were telling him not to worry about it; if Azoul needed to contact the Deep Elves, he apparently could do so whenever he wished to; in the meantime, relax and continue healing)

Kraz: “You call yourselves 'Deep Elves'.”

(Chadush nods)

Chadush: “Our name for ourselves cannot be pronounced in your language. 'Deep Elves' is the closest approximation.”

Kraz: “How deep underground do you live, then? Would this be considered shallow to you?”

(Chadush smiles and nods)

Chadush: “Quite shallow. Most of our species lives deep enough that no other species could live there. Where light can be touched and molded into shapes both useful and artistic. I have seen such sculptures, but only briefly; they cannot exist this close to Hell. I had to travel to where the sculptures were. The sculptures are like twisting, bending beams of light. Warm, but not hot. And such a plethora of colors! I do not think I could describe them all to you. Many of the colors only exist where the sculptures are made. Fire spirits live amongst us. Not insubstantial, but as solid as you and I are. Like the sculptures, they are of many colors. But they, too, unfortunately, cannot exist up here. If you were one of us, I could take you down there and let you see and touch for yourself. But you would probably suffocate if you did not burn to death first.”

(the two Deep Elves return with trays of food and carafes of liquid refreshment; they place the trays and carafes on the table, bow, and then return to what they were previously doing)

Chadush: “I have tried to find foods among what we eat that you are equally able to digest. The same is true for the drink. The food comes underground orchards and gardens. We do not eat meat here. Not that we cannot, but that there are no animals here that we could raise and use as sources of meat. The drink is a mixture of fruit juice and plant-milk. I think you will find it interesting to imbibe, and possible even enjoy it. Try it and see.”

(Kraz takes a sip; the flavor is difficult to describe even as races from his taste buds to every extremity of his body; startled, he looks at it; but it looks normal enough; he takes another sip; this time the sensation is not so intense, but still delicious)

Chadush: “Do you like it?”

(Kraz nods)

Kraz: “I do indeed.”

(the two flying demons nod in agreement, having tried their own drinks)

Kraz: “I wish I could share this with my people. I think they would also enjoy it.”

Chadush: “I'm afraid that would be quite impossible. What we serve here cannot be taken outside of our world. It must remain here and be eaten and imbibed here.”

Kraz: “I'm sorry to hear that.”

(Chadush looks at him)

Chadush: “You wish to contact your people? See if they are doing well?”

(it's almost as if Chadush can read Kraz's mind; or perhaps Chadush is simply very perceptive, a skill learned over his very long life)

(Kraz nods)

Kraz: “If I may.”

Chadush: “Please do.”

(Kraz tries his comm link, but the reception is terrible; all he hears are bits and pieces of static; nothing intelligible)

Kraz: “You did warn me that it might not work here.”

(Chadush nods and touches one of the “branches” in the table's surface decoration; the branch twitches, rises out of the table, spreads into a fan shape; Chadush presses on different parts of the fan; clashing sounds can be heard, and then they subside and a voice can be heard)

Voice: “Azoul here.”

Chadush: “Azoul? Your three friends are here in my domain. One of them is named Kraz. I believe he would like to speak with you.”

(Azoul sounds excited)

Azoul: “The feeling's mutual, Chadush.”

(Chadush turns the fan toward Kraz; there is no image on its surface, but somehow it can emit sound)

Kraz: “It's me, Azoul.”

Azoul: “Oh good. Then you made it there safe and sound.”

Kraz: “Definitely. Thank you for your timely contact with Chadush. When we were about halfway to Dis, we were intercepted by a flying ship. It pursued almost all the way to the hump above where we are now.”

Azoul: “What happened to the flying ship?”

Kraz: “Their defenses damaged it so much that it crashed and destroyed itself. Last I heard, they were investigating the debris field.”

Azoul: “But who did the flying ship belong to?”

Kraz: “I wish I knew. But I suspect it belonged to Semyaza. She might have asked its crew to scout around, once her forces found out that I wasn't in Nergal's command center anymore. It was probably just dumb luck that they and the three of us were in the same area of Hell. How is the uprising going? Well, I hope.”

Azoul: “Yes – and no.”

Kraz: “Clarify, please?”

Azoul: “We had to abandon the Command Center when Semyaza's forces assaulted it. There isn't much of it left. We relocated to an auxiliary command center, doing what we could to obscure which one we had chosen to go to. So far, the ISF and Semyaza don't seem to know we're here. And that's the good news.”

(Kraz takes a deep breath, lets it out)

Kraz: “What's the bad news?”

Azoul: “At least one of Satan's devils has returned to Hell. They aren't on the same Circle as we are. They're either on the Seventh or Eighth Circle. But they're gathering together forces that hadn't initially fought with us or with Semyaza's troops. Forces that exist half in Hell and half in the Void between Hell and the Abyss. Everything from minor stuff like ghosts all the up to the Spectral Council.”

Kraz: “Which devil?”

Azoul: “We think it's Beelzebub. Somehow he was able to get away from the trial and return to Hell.”

Kraz: “Which probably means he might be able to relay messages and reports to Satan.”

Azoul: “That is a distinct possibility, one that can't be discounted.”

Kraz: “Other devils – and possibly demons – might be on their way back to Hell right now.”

Azoul: “Easily possible. By the way, there is one other piece of good news, though. I'd almost forgotten about it, since it's so new.”

Kraz: “Oh? What is it? I'm all ears.”

Azoul: “There's no confirmation yet, but there is an initial report that there was an assault on Semyaza's palace about five minutes ago. Major damage.”

Kraz: “She hadn't shielded it?”

Azoul: “Might not have thought it necessary until it was too late.”

Kraz: “Any idea who or what attacked her palace?”

Azoul: “Not any of ours. It's possible that it was one of the ISF, or someone in the Demonic Hierarchy. Someone or something with serious powers.”

Kraz: “Semyaza might have bitten off more than she could chew.”

Azoul: “I sure hope so.”

Kraz: “Anything else?”

Azoul: “That's it for now. But it's easily possible there will be further news in just a few minutes, or it might be more like an hour or two. Depends on what it is and where it's coming from.”

Kraz: “Keep me notified, and thanks for all your excellent leadership.”

Azoul: “I will. And you're welcome. Out.”

(the fan closes itself, looking more like a branch again, and lowers back down into the table)

Chadush: “I trust all is well in your struggle?”

Kraz: “As well as could be expected. Some things are going well; some aren't. The nature of the beast, I suppose.”

(Chadush nods)

Chadush: “You are welcome to continue staying awake, if you wish to. Or you can get ready for sleep. We do not need sleep, so we will stay awake until morning and a new day begins.”

Kraz: “It's been a long day. Sleep sounds like a good idea right now.”

Chadush: “I will show you three to your quarters, then.”

(the tray with its empty plates and empty carafes is collected by one of the Deep Elves and taken to wherever the kitchen is)

(Chadush leads Kraz and the flying demons away from the domed chamber, into what seems to be an older part of the Deep Elves' realm; the floors aren't smooth, but bumpy and uneven; possibly the floors are what used to be old lava or magma; there are hints of black and silver, which might be obsidian; they walk up a ramp; perpendicular to the ramp is a long corridor, apparently carved from solid rock; there are at least a dozen or two doorways, all closed; Chadush stops at the eighth one, traces a flower-like symbol at eye-level on its surface; it slides to the right, revealing a large guest room beyond; three beds, each against a different wall; what might be a bathroom doorway between the second bed and third bed; there is a small night-table next to each bed, with a small lamp on it)

Chadush: “I apologize if things are a bit dusty in here. It has been a long time since we have had guests. Normally, we are much tidier than this. But this is an area of our domain that we normally do not frequent.”

Kraz: “It's okay. It still smells far better than some places in Hell that I've been to. No sulfur here, thankfully.”

Chadush: “Then I wish you a good sleep. Do not worry about when you should wake. Morning meals tend to be less formal than noontime meals or evening meals. Depending on how busy we are, some of us occasionally have morning meals at nearly noon. When you wake, there is a comm unit on each table. Just press the central button and you will reach me.”

Kraz: “Again, thank you for welcoming us here. I wish I knew how to repay you.”

Chadush: “No need. Your friend Azoul has helped us on many occasions. All without spending the night here. This is one of the reasons we immediately agreed to assist him. And we know that he will more than happily assist us in the future should we need his help. Sleep well.”

(Kraz nodded and got into his bed; the two winged demons got into their beds)

(Chadush quietly shut the door behind him)

(for a long while, sleep was a welcome place to spend the night; Kraz had no dreams of Hell; though he sometimes dreamt about Oreia; which probably meant he was still worrying about her; but, with any luck, she was doing all right where she was on Earth)

(and then something large and strong gripped him by the neck, shaking him roughly; at first he tried to fight it, wanting to return to sleep; but then he realized whatever it was, wasn't going to give up, and it seemed to be much stronger than he was; he tried to call out for help, but something equally large and strong covered his mouth; a woman's voice whispers)

Voice: “Keep it down or I'll make it worse than it already is. If I lift my hand from your mouth, will you keep from yelling, or do I have to keep it covered?”

(Kraz mumbles something; the hand covering is mouth moves a few inches away)

Kraz: “I'll keep quiet. But it won't do you much good, whoever you are. You're in the middle of one of the Deep Elves' domains. I don't think they tolerate invasions by anyone.”

Voice: “Who says I invaded?”

(the lamp on Kraz's night-table turns on; in its light, he can see the face of his captor; it's Semyaza; she's smiling, but not nicely)

Semyaza: “You didn't think I would just sit in my palace, waiting for it to collapse all around me, did you? Now, are you going to try to do something stupid, or are you going to leave this place with me?”

Kraz: “Do I have a choice?”

Semyaza: “What do you think?”

Kraz: “No.”

Semyaza: “Good guess. Keep quiet, get out of bed, and follow me."


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I still think that Chapter 23 could be written better (but that will have to wait until the overall story finishes and I start the editing process back at Chapter 1). In Chapter 25, I've tried to fix what I could of what I thought was rather weak in Chapter 23. In fact (for the first time in the writing of the overall story), Chapter 25 was written first, then I went back and wrote Chapter 24. Why? Because Chapter 25 decided it would come first. Stories are sometimes like cats. They will do what they will do and if you're wise, you let them. Because it's usually better that way (not always, but usually). I've learned over the past 30 or so years not to argue too often or too much with my muse. She tends to abandon me and it sometimes takes a long time before she decides to return to me and risk inspiring me again.

(during the recess, the two opposing groups – angels/humans and demons/devils – stay apart, except for Aziraphale and Crowley, of course)

Aziraphale: “It seems that Satan is displeased with the current situation in Hell. I wonder what could possibly be happening there that would make him wish to return there so urgently.”

Agnes: “Even if he did immediately return there, he'd have his hands more full than a farmer trying to harvest his crops in the middle of a terrible storm.”

(they see Satan conferring as quietly as possible with Beelzebub; after all, if Satan cannot return to Hell until after the trial, what would prevent Beelzebub from going in his place?)

Crowley: “I don't think I've ever been so grateful that Hell is even more of a fragile network of alliances than Earth is. And the alliances in Hell tend to be almost entirely temporary. There isn't enough trust for any permanent alliance. In which case, it wouldn't take much to undo six thousand years of power consolidation. The ensuing mess could take even longer to repair than it took to destroy it.”

Newt: “Do you think someone has destroyed that network of alliances?”

Crowley: “It's possible. If there are enough people in Hell who want to usurp Satan's control over them.”

(Satan's discussion with Beelzebub ends and the latter vanishes)

Crowley: “Now we'll have to wait and see if they have any way to communicate between Earth and Hell. Beelzebub's presence in Hell is all well and good for Satan's faction, but if he can't report to Satan, Satan won't know if things are going well for his faction, or going badly. He'll still be in the dark. And that's not the kind of dark that Satan prefers being in.”

(Anathema looks around; there's no sign of Death)

Anathema: “He's gone again. Death, I mean.”

Crowley: “If there's sufficient fighting going on in Hell, he's probably there, doing his job.”

Anathema: “I wonder if any of the other three Horsemen are also in Hell.”

Crowley: “Probably not Pollution or Famine. There wouldn't be much reason for them to be there. They have far more to do here on Earth. War, however – War would enjoy a situation in Hell where there is plenty of fighting. She could even make it worse.”

Anathema: “Do you think she's there right now?”

(Crowley shrugs)

Agnes: “She is. The twenty-seventh prophecy in my pamphlet states: 'Conflict shall arise, if it has not already done so, and confusion and chaos shall dominate. Opposing forces will attempt to gain control. Until an alliance can be made, dominion will be an impossibility.' ”

Anathema: “You think War is involved in keeping the fighting going?”

(Agnes nods)

Agnes: “If peace were declared, even if only temporarily, she would gain nothing. For War, there is nothing more pleasant than perpetual conflict, regardless of how many suffer and die in the process.”

Anathema: “I wish we had a peaceful counterpart to War. Someone who could prevent her from making a bad situation even worse.”

Agnes: “There are other beings in Creation. Beings like Death, War, Famine, and Pollution. The twenty-eight prophecy: 'To oppose chaos and destruction, one must make contact with beings who would assist in restoring order and repairing the damage. Life, Peace, Plenty, and Clarity.' ”

Newt: “But how would we summon them? We're here, not in Aziraphale's bookshop or in your home, Anathema.”

Agnes: “There are ways. If one is willing to think outside the proverbial bread box.”

(she turns to Anathema)

Agnes: “We are the only witches present on this Tor. Therefore we must be the ones to summon the opposites of the Four Horsemen.”

Anathema: “But I brought nothing with me from my house. I wasn't expecting to need anything.”

Agnes: “Reach into my bread box. There is more in there than my pamphlet.”

(Newt turns the front of the bread box toward Anathema; Anathema opens it and finds, lying on the “floor” of the breadbox, a piece of chalk, five small candles, and a matchbox with five matches in it; Anathema takes them out and kneels on the ground; Newt, Adam, Oreia, Aziraphale, and Crowley stand behind her, so that they block the view of the others; it may not be enough, but it'll have to do; Anathema draws a pentagram about the size of a manhole cover; at each point of the star, she places a candle; she lights each candle; then she stands again)

Anathema: “There isn't much time. We need to do this before any of the others at this trial figure what we're going to do. Hold my hands and each other's hands. Five would normally be enough, but six should do just as well.”

(Newt places the bread box on the ground outside the pentagram; then the six hold hands)

Anathema: “Come forth, Counterparts of the Four Horsemen. I name each of thee: Life. Peace. Plenty. And Clarity. We need thy assistance. Come to us. Now.”

(a swirling white and gold column rises from inside the pentagram; out of the column step four individuals: Life is a matronly woman, long dress, apron around her waist, long dark hair, green eyes, bare feet. Peace is a quiet man in his thirties, shoulder-length brown hair, brown mustache and beard, white robe, also bare feet. Plenty is a smiling, plump man, reminiscent of Shakespeare's Sir John Falstaff; he's dressed in brown vest, white shirt underneath the vest, brown pants, bare feet, and holds a narrow sandwich, roughly the length of his forearms. And Clarity is a young woman wearing octagonal gold wire-frame glasses; her hair is blond and in a ponytail down to the middle of her back; her eyes are pale blue; she has a small set of freckles on both cheeks; like Plenty, she smiles, but not all the time; she's wearing a pale blue sleeveless shirt and white jeans; she's also barefooted)

Plenty: “Well, this is quite extraordinary. How long it's been since anyone needed us.” (he takes a bite out of one end of his sandwich; chews thoughtfully, swallows) “At least I remembered to bring lunch with me.”

(Clarity looks at him, smiles and shakes her head)

Clarity: “When are you ever not hungry?”

(Plenty looks thoughtful)

Plenty: “Not often, apparently. I can't remember the last time hunger afflicted me.”

(Life looks around them, senses that Anathema is the one who summoned them)

Life: “You asked for us to come here. We came as soon as we could. What do you need of us?”

Anathema: “Actually not for any Earthly reason. There is conflict and chaos elsewhere.”

Life: “We are aware of the situation in Hell. Is this the place you imply?”

(Anathema nods)

Anathema: “Your counterparts – two of them so far – Death and War – are there. The former isn't the one we need help with. The latter is the problem.”

(Peace looks sad)

Peace: “War never learns. She thinks that as long as there is conflict, all is well with the world. But since she does not suffer the consequences of her actions, why should she cease doing what she most enjoys doing?”

Clarity: “We could meet with War. Provided that she is willing to do so. She may not wish to hear what we have to say. But discussion is not her forte. Provoking conflict is. She may simply choose to ignore us.”

Plenty: “There must be some way to encourage her – and those who are influenced by her wish for conflict – to cease and desist. Or at least, to relocate herself, so that the situation in Hell can improve.”

Life: “We can make the attempt. Whether we will succeed or not is unknown and probably doubtful.”

Agnes: “Oh ye of little faith. Make the attempt. At worst you have tried and failed.”

(Life nods agreement; turns to Anathema)

Life: “If you will release us, we will go to Hell immediately.”

Anathema: “I release all four of you.” (all six humans let go of each other's hands) “Please do whatever you can.”

Life: “We shall do so.”

(the Four Counterparts link hands and disappear)

Aziraphale: “I do hope that they are able to some good.”

Agnes: “They will.”

(Anathema snuffs out the candles; she puts them, the box of matches, and the chalk back inside the bread box and closes it; the six humans use their feet to wipe away the pentagram; soon there is no sign it was ever there; moments later, the Metatron makes an announcement)

Metatron: “The recess has ended. The trial continues. Please return to your seats.”

(everyone does so)

(Newt whispers to Anathema)

Newt: “Do you think the Four Counterparts can influence what's happening in Hell?”

Anathema: “If they can't, then it's possible no one can. Someone needs to stop the fighting there.”

Newt: “And if they can't stop it?”

Anathema: “I'd rather not think about it.”

Metatron: “Gabriel? Do you wish to continue calling forth witnesses? Or do you wish to let Hastur take his turn to call forth witnesses?”

Gabriel: “There are two more: Anathema Device and Newton Pulsifer. First: Anathema Device.”

(Oreia reaches over and squeezes Anathema's hand; the latter smiles, but not confidently, and heads for the witness box; Gabriel goes through the same swearing ceremony, omitting “God” from it; she agrees to the oath)

Gabriel: “Now, then, Ms. Device. Your first encounter with Aziraphale and Crowley was when?”

Anathema: “I was riding my bicycle along a road through some woods at night. I suppose I should've worn clothes that made me easier to see, but I forgot to. I just wanted to return home. Which means I wasn't paying attention as well as I should've. But, lacking eyes in the back of my head, what lay behind me couldn't be seen unless I stopped and turned to look. Something big and dark with bright eyes collided with me, damaging my bicycle, and hurling me onto the nearby grassy bank. No harm done. Even my glasses survived intact. The driver and his passenger offered to give me a ride the rest of the way home. They even repaired my bicycle – I don't know how – and placed it on a bike-rack on the rear of their car. I sat in the backseat. When we arrived at my home, I climbed out of the car's back seat. I waved good-bye to the car's driver and passenger, and went inside my home. It was only after the car had headed off into the night that I realized that Agnes Nutter's book was missing. I'd had in the basket on the front of my bicycle. Where could it possibly have ended up? Was it still on the road in the woods? It turned out, however, that it was in the car. Aziraphale had found it on the road and tossed it into the car. Somehow I hadn't noticed that. I was probably still too upset about their car colliding with my bicycle.”

GabrieL “You have established the parameters, Ms. Device. Now, then, what did you notice about the driver and passenger of that car?”

Anathema: “Notice? You mean, how they argued more than they agreed with each other? That the passenger – Aziraphale as I learned later – didn't seem to enjoy riding in the car with its driver – as I learned later? I wouldn't say they were exactly on friendly terms with each other. But I suppose, like parents, sometimes they got along, and sometimes this didn't.”

(Crowley shrugs)

Crowley: “I suppose that's one way to describe it.”

Aziraphale: “Sh, Crowley!”

Crowley: “Well, isn't it?”

(Aziraphale is irritated)

Aziraphale: “That's not the point!”

Crowley: “Then what is? You've never liked how I drive. You're not even comfortable sitting in my car when it's not in motion. As if I would do anything to hurt you while I'm driving my Bentley. I didn't even hurt you when I was driving the Mini to and inside the British Library.”

(Aziraphale is exasperated)

Aziraphale: “As I've said many times before, you drive too fast for me. Ninety miles an hour through central London? Even during Lockdown? Have you no concept of safe driving?”

Crowley: “I'm a demon. I drive as I wish. And if there's a pedestrian in the street ahead of my car, is that my fault? I've never hit any of them, after all.”

(Gabriel coughs)

Gabriel: “Gentlemen? If you don't mind?”

(Aziraphale and Crowley face away from each other and nod)

Gabriel: “Thank you. Please go on, Ms. Device.”

Anathema: “There isn't much else to say. I met them again, when I was at the British Library with Adam. We went there because one of Agnes Nutter's prophecies said we should. We didn't know that we would meet up with Aziraphale and Crowley there. Or Hastur, for that matter.”

(Gabriel turns to Hastur)

Gabriel: “You were there as well?”

(Hastur nods)

Hastur: “I had preexisting reasons. Going back to the day of Armageddon. Nothing that broke any infernal rules. Ask Lord Satan if you don't believe me.”

(Gabriel turns to Satan)

Gabriel: “Well?”

Satan: “It's covered by the clause that covers unfinished business. Basically: Unfinished business can be pursued without being governed by any expiration date and without risk of infernal or Heavenly punishment. Provided, of course, that it does not interfere with any Heavenly business. I can cite section, page, paragraph, and footnote, if you would prefer.”

Gabriel: “That shouldn't be necessary. You acknowledge that he was following the rules?”

(Satan nods)

Gabriel: “That suffices here.”

(Gabriel turns back to Hastur)

Gabriel: “Did you manage to meet Crowley at the British Library?”

(Hastur nods)

Hastur: “He was inside a toy-sized Mini. Aziraphale was with him. I picked up the Mini and was speaking with them when an unknown woman and child interrupted me. The woman took the Mini from me, gave it to the child. Then they fled for the nearest lift. I took the escalator up to the first floor and managed to take over the child's body. The child was Adam Young; the woman was Anathema Device.”

(Gabriel turns to Anathema)

Gabriel: “Do you corroborate what he said?”

(Anathema nods)

Gabriel: “Did you know that it was Hastur who held the toy car?”

(Anathema thinks and then shakes her head)

Anathema: “I didn't hear their entire conversation. Just enough to know that it was Crowley and Aziraphale inside the toy car. So I acted like I was Adam's mother, took the toy car from the security guard – I learned later it was Hastur – and gave it to Adam. That was when we ran for the nearby lift. I didn't want to have anything argument with the security guard – who seemed quite interested in either Crowley or Aziraphale or both.”

Gabriel: “I see.”

(Gabriel turns back to Hastur)

Gabriel: “So what happened next?”

Hastur: “They were about to reach the restaurant on the first floor of the library when I was able to leave the security guard's body and possess the boy's body. I offered Crowley a deal. Crowley in exchange for releasing Adam from my possession of his body. Crowley said that I could have the boy and that I could do as I wished with him. Which seemed to surprise Aziraphale and Ms. Device.”

Anathema: “It wasn't typical of what little I knew about Crowley.”

Aziraphale: “Likewise. At first, I thought that Crowley was going to sacrifice himself to extricate Adam from Hastur's possession. But then I realized that Crowley had a different plan.”

(Gabriel turns to Aziraphale)

Gabriel: “And you trusted him and whatever his unknown plan was?”

(Aziraphale nods)

Aziraphale: “I knew that he wouldn't let anything terrible happen to Adam. I knew that he would do whatever he could to help Adam escape from Hell and return to Earth.”

Gabriel: “And did he?”

(Aziraphale shakes his head)

Aziraphale: “Apparently Oreia – the young lady sitting next to Adam in the pew behind us – assisted him. They arrived in the same upstairs guest room at my bookshop that Ms. Device and Mr. Pulsifer were sleeping in that night. Er, last night, actually.”

Gabriel: “I see.”

(Gabriel turns back to Anathema)

Gabriel: “And what did you do next?”

Anathema: “Aziraphale and I went to the Terrace Restaurant. The restaurant's only employee was more than happy to give us the bread box – he claimed it spoke to him – ridiculous – bread boxes can't speak. After that, I drove the Mini back to the bookshop, with Aziraphale in the driver's seat.”

Gabriel: “Mr. Pulsifer seems to have possession of the bread box at this trial. How did he come into all this?”

Anathema: “I called Newt from the bookshop. We talked for a bit, and he told me he would come to the bookshop as soon as he could.”

Gabriel: “And he did?”

(Anathema frowns at him)

Anathema: “You should know. You were there not longer after. You ate one of the crumpets that Aziraphale made. Don't you remember?”

(Gabriel looks uncomfortable)

Gabriel: “Yes, I do.”

Anathema: “Then don't ask such a silly question. That's like asking Agnes what happened to the rest of her body after she was burnt at the stake.”

Agnes: “Apparently I was only permitted to hold onto my head after I died. I don't make the rules when it comes to what ghosts are allowed to have, body-wise, and they're not allowed to have. Ask the Metatron about those rules. He should know all about them.”

(Gabriel turns to the Metatron)

Gabriel: “Care to briefly explain, sir?”

Metatron: “A witch does not have the same rights as an angel or a soul that St. Peter allows to pass through the Pearly Gates. She should have gone straight down to Hell. But there seems to have been a glitch in the post-mortal-life processing system. She became a ghostly head. She should be grateful. She could easily have been turned into a ghostly hand, finger, foot, toe, ear, or nose instead. Which has happened to some of the ghosts affected by the glitch. You can't imagine how upset they were when they found out what they looked like.”

Agnes: “Actually, I can imagine. I sincerely hope that the 'glitch' has been fixed in the meantime.”

(the Metatron manages to look uncomfortable)

Agnes: “It hasn't?”

Metatron: “We're still working on it. It seems to be buried deep in the programming code that the processing system uses.”

(Agnes tries not to stare at him)

Agnes: “Over three hundred mortal years, and you still can't find it, much less fix it?”

Newt: “I could offer to help, sir.”

(the Metatron frowns at Newt)

Metatron: “There's no need for that. We can do just fine on our, young man. Stick to your own business.”

(Gabriel clears his throat)

Gabriel: “No more questions, Ms. Device. You may step down from the witness box.”

(Anathema does so and returns to the pew, sitting down again next to Newt)


	25. Chapter 25

(Kraz gestures at the two flying demons, apparently still asleep)

Kraz: “What about –?”

Semyaza: “Just you. They can sleep here until morning. Better that way.”

Kraz: “One moment. How did you find me?”

Semyaza: “The flying ship you no doubt saw.”

Kraz: “Which the Deep Elves attacked. It crashed, destroying itself and killing everyone onboard.”

(Semyaza shrugs)

Semyaza: “They were expendable, helping me to learn what I needed to know. If the Deep Elves hadn't attacked the flying ship, it might have taken longer to locate you, or possibly I would never have found you.”

Kraz: “Destroying them pointed an arrow straight at me.”

(Semyaza nods)

Kraz: “Sometimes even doing what seems to be the right thing ends up with a result other than what one hopes for.”

Semyaza: “There is always more than meets the eye.”

Kraz: “Indeed.”

(Kraz follows Semyaza from the guest room, down the corridor, and eventually back to the dome-shaped chamber; Chadush is the only one there)

Semyaza: “My thanks for you assistance, Chadush.”

Chadush: “You are welcome, Lady Semyaza. And thank you for your payment. It should prove quite beneficial to my people.”

(Chadush leaves the chamber; apparently, so that they can have some privacy; or maybe simply through disinterest in what they might discuss)

(Kraz turns to Semyaza)

Kraz: “What did you offer him?”

Semyaza: “That – is none of your business.”

Kraz: “Fair enough. What is my business, then?”

Semyaza: “I need your help. Or, perhaps more precisely, your lack of interference.”

Kraz: “I already refused to. What makes you think I'll change my mind now?”

Semyaza: “I might have something that is in your self-interest.”

Kraz: “And what might that be?”

Semyaza: “It involves the situation here in Hell and the trial on Earth. Don't look so surprised. Of course I know about the trial. Why else did I make my move while the it's going on? I've waited a long time for something to take Satan's attention away from Hell, something that would prevent him from returning here until it was too late for him to do anything about it.”

Kraz: “With two factions to fight, Satan's troops won't win so easily, if at all.”

Semyaza: “Precisely. Therefore I see that we have a mutual goal. We both want Satan and the ISF out of the way. Preferably permanently.”

Kraz: “You want to propose a cessation of hostilities and an alliance with the Resistance.”

(Semyaza nods)

Semyaza: “Temporary only. I don't think any permanent alliance would last. Too much bad blood between our factions. Too much mistrust.”

Kraz: “But replacing him with you wouldn't change anything. We would then have to turn and fight your faction instead of Satan's. We want to be free of any outside control. We want Hell to return to what it was before the Fallen Angels arrived.”

Semyaza: “That might not be possible anymore, Kraz. I believe my faction to be the lesser of two evils. We could help your faction in ways that Satan's faction would never help with.”

Kraz: “You mean autonomy for the Resistance? At least a pseudo-independence, if not a complete independence?”

Semyaza: “It would be an improvement, rather than the current status quo. Wouldn't you agree?”

Kraz: “True, it wouldn't be any worse. But what would stop your faction from taking away our autonomy? There is nothing to protect us. Except ourselves.”

Semyaza: “I propose an additional item: A treaty. A treaty with no expiration date. Provided you leave my faction alone, I will leave your faction alone. If you need more protection than your faction can provide, I will be forced to protect you. And in return, if I need more protection than my faction can provide, you will be forced to protect me.”

Kraz: “Mutual assistance in return for autonomy from one another.”

(Semyaza nods)

Kraz: “I think – I think I can agree to that much. Provided it isn't signed in blood.”

(Semyaza makes a face)

Semyaza: “I've never trusted treaties signed in blood. Far too easy to break.”

Kraz: “That takes care of the situation here in Hell. What of the situation at the trial on Earth?”

Semyaza: “Ah yes, that.”

Kraz: “Well? Or isn't that included in our agreement?”

Semyaza: “It could be.”

Kraz: “And why would you be interested in the outcome of the trial? It doesn't involve you or anyone in your faction.”

Semyaza: “I could help – influence – the outcome.”

Kraz: “But you wouldn't gain anything from doing so.”

(Semyaza looks thoughtful)

Semyaza: “Perhaps not. But you might.”

(Kraz doesn't quite trust her willingness to help without getting something in return; a lifetime in Hell has taught him that trust is extremely rare in Hell, if it exists at all; and the same is true for honesty; sometimes one must peel away many layers before reaching the one pertinent to the current situation)

Kraz: “In what sort of way?”

Semyaza: “I could help bring your friend Oreia back to Hell.”

Kraz: “Assuming that she wishes to. She can make her own choices. I don't make them for her.”

Semyaza: “How generous. One of the very rare traits in Hell. What if she makes a choice that you don't – entirely – agree with?”

Kraz: “It's still her choice. And the consequences – good or bad – are also hers.”

Semyaza: “I see. And then we come to the two who are the reason that the trial is happening at all: Aziraphale and Crowley. An angel – and a demon. Who are – if my reports are accurate and I believe that they are – more than just friends. And have been so for most of (if not all of) the past six thousand years.”

(Your surveillance network seems to be more up-to-date and accurate than Satan's, Kraz thinks. Satan apparently let his go soft and increasingly ineffective due to complacency. If there is no overt threat, why put any effort into searching any potential problems that might explode years – perhaps centuries – down the line?)

Kraz: “And you don't mind?”

(Semyaza shrugs and shakes her head)

Semyaza: “As far as I'm concerned, they are welcome to do as they wish – provided it doesn't conflict with what I wish to do. They have yet to cause me any problems, therefore I wish them well.”

Kraz: “That doesn't sound like you.”

Semyaza: “People can change. Even demons and devils can. Though it's highly irregular for them to do so. It's more in their nature to toe the line, rather than disrupt the status quo.”

Kraz: “And change back just as quickly.”

(Semyaza doesn't deny it)

Kraz: “What do you know and would be willing to say at the trial that would help Aziraphale and Crowley?”

Semyaza: “Don't be quite so suspicious just this once. I'm trying to help, not hinder. And perhaps one day you could return the favor. Maybe not soon, but in the foreseeable future.”

Kraz: “You didn't answer my question.”

(Semyaza sighs)

Semyaza: “It actually concerns Gabriel and Hastur. If there is an angel and a demon who hate each other more, they don't exist. Now what if I could interfere with their intentions? Block them. Prevent them from succeeding?”

Kraz: “You would have to make it look like they're more of a threat to Creation than Aziraphale's and Crowley's relationship is.”

(Semyaza smiles)

Semyaza: “Precisely.”

Kraz: “I take it that you have the – humans call it 'dirt' – on them?”

Semyaza: “I might.”

Kraz: “And you'd rather not go into detail about it here.”

(Semyaza nods)

Kraz: “If true, it might be enough to turn the tables on Gabriel and Hastur.”

Semyaza: “Oh, it's true all right. It's just something that neither of them would never publicly admit to. I would never have learned about it had they not been a little indiscreet at times.”

Kraz: “I think I can guess what you might know about them.”

Semyaza: “Then keep it to yourself. So – do we have an alliance then, a mutual agreement whereby we benefit one another?”

(Semyaza holds out her hand)

Kraz: “And it's temporarily only?”

Semyaza: “Decidedly.”

(Kraz shakes her hand)

Kraz: “I just hope I don't regret this.”

(she grins, but not nicely)

Semyaza: “You won't. You'll see. It'll be fun to watch them squirm.”

Kraz: “And they'll have no way to defend against it?”

Semyaza: “Without making it even worse for themselves – I think not.”

Kraz: “Then let's get the ball rolling. There's been enough fighting and destruction in Hell today. I would rather see the fighting end – if there's no reason to continue it – and the destruction repaired.”

Semyaza: “Agreed.”

Kraz: “I hope it's not too late or else there will be little I can do to influence the situation. It's easily possible that you've wasted your time trying to find me and negotiating with me.”

Semyaza: “That remains to be seen.”

(at the top of the hump, they find that they're not the only ones there; an unknown person in a black motorcycle helmet (the visor lowered across the face), black leather jacket, black gloves, black pants, and black boots, is standing there; the person turns toward them)

Death: “Greetings, Kraz. We meet again.”

(Kraz nods)

Death: “Greetings, Lady Semyaza. Prior to your departure from here, is it possible for us to converse with one another? There is an urgent matter that requires your intervention.”

Semyaza: “I'm a little busy right now, but – I suppose a slight delay here can't do any harm.”

Death: “Excellent. While you have been away from the situation elsewhere in Hell, there have been increasing amounts of death and destruction. I have been forced to return to Hell much sooner than I expected to. Also, one of the other Horsemen is here. I believe you've heard of her. She is War.”

Semyaza: “Heard of, yes. Met in-person, no. Not yet, anyway.”

Death: “War delights in all forms of conflict. The more violent, destructive, and deadly, the better.”

Semyaza: “And you expect me to be able to deal with her? I am powerful, but not that powerful. My power is restricted to Hell. I cannot use my powers in any other realm. Not even in the Abyss.”

Death: “You are both female. It is possible that she might be willing to listen to you, whereas she has been unwilling to listen to me. Especially since she has entered what is euphemistically called her 'berserker mode'. This has an unknown length of duration. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, or even longer. In that mode, she is able to spread her influence even further than usual.”

Semyaza: “I'm not sure I'll be able to calm her down.”

Death: “Do what you can. If you fail, Hell risks becoming completely devoid of all life, if not completely destroyed.”

Semyaza: “So no pressure, then?”

Death: “None.”

Semyaza: “I make no promises.”

Death: “Doubtless if you did, you would merely break them.”

Semyaza: “You know me well.”

Death: “As I do all mortal beings, however powerful or weak they may be.”

(Semyaza sighs)

Semyaza: “I'll help. Where is she?”

(Death removes his left glove and points with his skeletal forefinger; from where they stand at the top of the hump, they can see – even though it's about four or five miles away – a woman dressed all in red, branding a large sword, its length almost half of her height; she seems to be smiling and laughing; she's surrounded by the worst of the fighting; there are flames, smoke, and piles of bodies scattered across the battlefield; some of the piles look like a small hills; the battlefield itself is several miles in diameter; it seems to keep spreading in all directions)

(this is closer than she's ever been to a battlefield in several centuries; it's one thing to lounge about and let her temper and blood-lust affect her decision-making; it's another to see the actual results of those decisions; Semyaza takes a deep breath, lets it out; she tries to deal with it nonchalantly and mostly fails; she tries for bravado, but that doesn't work either; she wonders where Abaddon and Rahab are; she met with Abaddon recently, but hasn't seen Rahab in awhile; she hopes that Rahab isn't among the dead on the battlefield, but fears that she might be)

Semyaza: “Now or never, I guess.”

Death: “Now would be quite acceptable, Lady Semyaza. Please proceed.”


	26. Chapter 26

(Life, Peace, Plenty, and Clarity arrive in Hell; they stand on top of the same hump where Death, Semyaza, and Kraz stand; Plenty makes a face)

Plenty: “This certainly isn't a pleasant place to be. There isn't even a restaurant anywhere nearby. And that smell. Is that sulfur?”

Clarity: “Certainly smells like it. That and brimstone.”

Plenty: “I just hope that we won't have to be here long. I'm hungry again.”

(Clarity smiles and pats his abundant abdomen)

Clarity: “You're always hungry. Can it wait this time?”

(Plenty looks disappointed)

Plenty: “I suppose it'll have to. Duty first, after all, and food second.”

Death: “Greetings, Counterparts. I trust all goes well in the trial?”

Life: “As well as could be expected. The trial may yet turn out well.”

Death: “Perhaps I should have spoken. But I was needed here more than there.”

Peace: “As were we.” (he looks down at the battle, shakes his head sadly) “War glories in all that battle entails: violence, blood lust, and carnage.”

Death: “Indeed. I have attempted to speak with her to no avail. She is deaf to my entreaties. I believe, however, that she might be open to the opinion of one who shares her gender.”

Life: “Myself? Or Clarity?”

Semyaza: “I think he means me.”

(Death nods)

Life: “However powerful you are, you are still mortal. If you enter the battle, you could risk being killed.”

Semyaza: “I know.”

Life: “Yet you will still make the attempt to speak with War?”

(Semyaza nods)

Life: “Such bravery.”

Semyaza: “Nothing like relaxing on a couch and giving orders.”

Life: “No indeed. In your palace – when it was still intact – you were insulated from the consequences of your decisions. Here, out in the open, there is no place to hide. Not even inside this hump, because it is possible that the battle – if it continues to spread – could reach here and assault the hump and all who live in it.”

(Semyaza and Kraz both remember Chadush and his desire to keep his realm as neutral as possible, while still being willing to help either side; a place of refuge that didn't deserve to be destroyed)

Semyaza: “Which is why I need to reach War and speak with her as soon as possible.”

Life: “I will take you to her.”

Peace: “And I will accompany you.”

(they leave the hump, descending down to the plain, and then to the battle itself; War is standing between two piles of bodies, her sword flaming red, redder than her hair is; Life, Peace, and Semyaza can be seen heading towards War)

Plenty: “Such futility.”

Clarity: “Not everyone thinks with their stomach.”

(Death looks to the left of the battle)

Death: “Another arrives. Beelzebub, Satan's second-in-command.”

Kraz: “This just got more complicated.”

Clarity: “That's putting it mildly.” (she closes her eyes) “He marches at the front of an army. War has seen him. She grins. This is exactly what she wants. Something to make the battle even worse and last even longer.” (she opens her eyes) “I hope our little group can still do what it needs to do.”

Death: “If it cannot, Armageddon will seem like a child's playground game in comparison.”

(Clarity nods sadly)

Kraz: “Isn't there anything we can do to help them?”

(Death shakes his head)

Death: “This is up to them now.”

(the two winged demons who brought Kraz to this hump climb out of it and stand next to Kraz; he points to where Life, Peace, and Semyaza are entering the nearest edge of the battle; War hasn't noticed them just yet; then Kraz points at Beelzebub and his army)

(down on the plain, in the battle, Life leads the way, while Peace walks beside Semyaza; it's like being in a dream, where you keep expecting to be attacked but you aren't; the ground beneath their feet is wet and Semyaza would rather not think of what has made it wet; sometimes they have to step over bodies because there is no way around them; War is shouting her war-cry in an ancient language that no one on Earth speaks anymore; War orders a group of troops to accompany her as she fights her way toward Beelzebub and his army; along the way, she's met by Life, Peace, and Semyaza)

War: “Out of my way! I have glorious work to do!”

Peace: “This must stop, War. Before it spreads and destroys everything – including yourself.”

(War laughs in his face)

War: “You don't scare me, pacifist! At least one of us is willing to do what needs to be done here!”

Life: “Cease and desist. You are not making Hell any better, War. You have planted the seeds of its destruction. And when those seeds germinate, you will have no war to fight in anymore.”

War: “Fearmonger! I have been in a thousand battles in the last hundred years. I will be in thousands more in the centuries to come. Where there is dominion, there is need for control, and where there is need for control, there will be war. And I will be in the midst of it. The spilled blood of the dead will be proof of my honesty of purpose.”

Semyaza: “My turn, I guess.”

War: “You?” (War laughs, a gust of wind making her long red hair look like a halo around her head) “A bloodthirsty hypocrite. You have no power over me. I could kill you with ease. Out of my way!”

(Semyaza moves until she blocks War's way)

Semyaza: “You are blind. You are heedless.”

War: “I do not need vision here.”

Semyaza: “You are welcome to kill me, if that will assuage your blood lust.”

War: “You would die to end all this?”

(Semyaza nods)

Semyaza: “I would.”

(War frowns at Semyaza)

War: “A child defeated me before on the day of Armageddon. A child stood up to me and sent me back whence I came. Do you think you can do as well as they did?”

Semyaza: “I can try. Because if I don't, all is lost. Not just for me and mine, but also for you and yours.” (she points in the direction of Beelzebub and his army as they bludgeon their way toward where War is) “And for them. None of you realize how fragile this situation is. You could all lose, but none of you will believe it.”

War: “Because it's a lie. A lie cannot hurt me.”

Semyaza: “But the truth can.”

War: “And what truth might that be?”

Semyaza: “That conflict isn't the answer to everything. Like a vampire, you feed on the anger, frustration, aggression, and other similar emotions. These are what you seek out. Not the destruction, blood, and death.”

War: “Just as you yourself have done for much of your life! You know this to be true! There is your truth!”

(Semyaza nods sadly)

Semyaza: “I do confess it. I was a fool before today. But I will not be a fool tomorrow. I will not let more die for the sake of my foolishness. Not even you.”

War: “I could give you glory!”

Semyaza: “Not like this.”

War: “I could give you fame!”

Semyaza: “Not like this.”

War: “I could give you power!”

Semyaza: “Not like this.”

(War smiles, but not nicely)

War: “I could revive your friend Rahab from the dead. She lies here on this battlefield. Would you rather she remained dead?”

Semyaza: “Don't tempt me.”

War: “But you care for her. Do not deny it!”

Semyaza: “I don't deny it.”

War: “Then release me and I will give her life again.”

Semyaza: “You can't be trusted.”

War: “I could promise to! I could swear to!”

Semyaza: “Promises and oaths written in blood are worth nothing.”

War: “Then you have learned something few have learned here in Hell. Any other – even Satan himself – would probably accept what I have offered you. But you refuse it all.”

Semyaza: “None of it is worth the price. Enough have died. This battle stops here.”

(War presses the tip of her sword against Semyaza's sternum, then lowers her sword until its tip hits the ground)

War: “I will stop this battle. Those who fight in it will have to return whence they came. Those who are dying will be healed.”

Semyaza: “And those who are dead? Like Rahab?”

War: “Must remain so. I wish it could be otherwise. But my area of expertise is war, not death. Perhaps Death could do what I cannot. Ask him.”

Semyaza: “I will do so.”

(War sheathes her sword)

War: “It is rare that I am defeated. Once, three years ago at Tadbury Airfield. And now, here. I will not forget.” (she snaps her fingers; a red motorbike appears beside her; she straddles it and since down on its seat) “Where there is war, you will find me. Always.”

(War and her motorbike disappear)

Life: “Well done, Semyaza.”

Semyaza: “It wasn't easy. I still can't believe she listened to me.”

Life: “War sometimes listens, if she believes what is being said is worth listening to. You gave her something worth listening to.”

Semyaza: “I did my best. Despite that, though, even at the end, she could've killed me.”

Life: “It is not War's way to kill innocents in cold blood. You were unarmed. As long as you remained so, she had no power over you.”

Semyaza: “Why didn't you tell me?”

Life: “Would it have helped you if you had known it?”

(Semyaza shakes her head)

Semyaza: “Probably not. I would likely have failed instead.”

Peace: “But succeed you did.” (he looks around them) “Your friend lies within this battlefield.” (he points to their right, near the bottom of a pile of bodies) “There.”

(the trio walks over to the pile of bodies; Death joins them there, but doesn't speak to them; he has his work to do)

Life: “One moment, Death. We would ask a boon of you. Or, rather, Semyaza would.”

(Death pauses, turns to Semyaza)

Death: “Ask of me. I can only grant one request, however. And then I must return to my work.”

(Semyaza looks down at Rahab's corpse, frozen in motion, eyes closed, hair matted with dried blood)

Death: “You are certain?”

(Semyaza nods)

Death: “Then so be it.” (he goes back to his work)

(at first, Semyaza doesn't trust him; but then Rahab's body twitches, fingers flex, toes flex, arms and legs move; as she does so, Rahab heals; soon she looks like herself again; her eyes open and she looks up at Semyaza; Rahab smiles)

Rahab: “Milady. We meet again.”

Semyaza: “We nearly didn't in this life. I thought I'd lost you forever.”

Rahab: “I guess I'm pretty hard to lose. But I remember being dead. My spirit was far away from here. But then, like a warm river, I flowed back to my body. I watched it move again. I watched it heal. And then, when I opened my eyes, I was inside my body again. Alive. And there you were above me, the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. Even more beautiful than you were this morning, lying on one of your couches in your palace.”

(Semyaza crouches next to her, holds her hand, tries not to cry)

Semyaza: “You've taught me something important today.”

Rahab: “And what would that be, Milady?”

Semyaza: “There is nothing more important than love.”

Rahab: “Even here in Hell?”

Semyaza: “Even here.”

(Rahab smiles)

Semyaza: “I do have one question, though.”

Rahab: “Ask it.”

Semyaza: “What in the world were you doing in this battle? I thought you wouldn't be anywhere near it.”

Rahab: “I wasn't near it at first. But it kept spreading, and eventually it reached me and gathered me into itself.”

Peace: “That is the nature of war. Even those who try to keep away from it can be caught up in it.”

Semyaza; “My thanks, Life, Peace, and Death. You've all given me back something that matters more to me than all the control of Hell ever would have.”

Life: “And you have given something that no one else could have given.”

Semyaza: “What would that be?”

Life: “Hope. Hope for a better future. Hell has not had much hope for a very long time. But perhaps now it can, and there is much in its future that is worth protecting and nurturing.” (Life crouches and touches the hard ground; as she does so, a freshly-planted tree sapling appears, and a small patch of grass about a foot across) “This is only the beginning. But if all goes well, Hell will eventually return to what it once was, when it had another name.”

Semyaza: “What name was that?”

Life: “The Elysian Fields. But when they were destroyed, the Fields turned into Hell. Now Hell is slowly turning back into the Fields. The trees, flowers, and grass will grow here again. And one day it will be as beautiful as it used to be. It will just take time. Time that we almost didn't have.”

Rahab: “It's definitely better than what Hell has looked like for almost six thousand years. In another century or two, I probably won't remember what Hell used to look like. I'll be having a picnic next to a clear stream, sitting next to Semyaza, and we'll be enjoying a wonderful afternoon.”

Life: “That day will come.”

(Rahab nods)

Rahab: “My thanks to you all.”

Life: “You are most welcome. Let us return to the others.”

(the landscape starts “sliding” again and they're back on the hump again; from there, they can already see the “hills” of dead bodies shrinking in height and width; and here and there, are small patches of green, a color not seen in Hell in a very very very very long time; above them, the “sky” of Hell which has been black, red, and orange for so long, is slowly showing tiny patches of blue and very thin rays of sunlight are reaching the ground for the first time in several thousand years)

Clarity: “It will be beautiful here again. A place that people will want to visit, rather than a place to be afraid of.”

Plenty: “And there will be food here.”

(Clarity rolls her eyes and pats his abundant abdomen)

Clarity: “Maybe not soon enough for you, but soon enough all the same.”

Peace: “And conflict will cease here. Perhaps not forever, but for a long while. Long enough to permit restoring it to what it once was.”

Plenty: “I just can't imagine why anyone would rather fight than eat.”

Life: “Plenty, I just can't imagine a day when you're not hungry.”

Plenty: “What a horrible thought! I sincerely hope such a day never happens.”

(Life smiles at him)

Life: “I have a possible job for you, Plenty.”

(Plenty looks interested)

Plenty: “Oh?”

(Life nods)

Life: “The San Souci Hotel's restaurant will need to be rebuilt and new employees hired. You could volunteer to be their chef for the time being.”

(Plenty smiles widely)

Plenty: “An excellent idea! And what foods I will cook, taste, and eat there!”

(Semyaza stands next to Rahab; they're holding hands)

Semyaza: “My palace will need rebuilding as well. But I don't think it will need to be quite so large as it used to be. Something smaller will do just fine. I have no need to impress anyone with far more than I require.”

Life: “We will send workers to help you rebuild it. I wish you both a happy life together.”

Semyaza and Rahab: “Thank you.”

Rahab: “I'm glad that you're more like your real self now, Milady. I have some ideas about what we could add to the palace. Flower gardens, herb gardens, an orchard, and maybe even a maze.”

Semyaza: “All excellent ideas. Let's go make them a reality.”

(she and Rahab wave to the others and then disappear; the battlefield is slowly clearing; smoke is almost gone; but the piles of dead are still there, if considerably smaller than they used to be)

Life: “And what of you, Kraz? Have you nothing that you would like to have?”

Kraz: “Just to know that my friend Oreia is safe and sound.”

Clarity: “She is indeed. Though it is possible that you might not see each other anytime soon.”

Kraz: “As long as she's happy, I'm happy.”

Clarity: “You're very generous for an incubus.”

Kraz: “I try to be.”

Clarity: “Have you always been this way?”

Kraz: “Since I can first remember. May I make a request of you?”

Clarity: “Ask.”

Kraz: “I would like to get to know you better, Clarity. If you are willing to let me.”

Clarity: “I'm not sure that the rules allow for that.”

Kraz: “But surely they could be bent? If it's for a good reason, not a selfish one?”

(Clarity nods)

Kraz: “Then why don't we bend them together?”

Clarity: “I'd like that. Though I may not be able to stay as long as you would like me to.”

Kraz: “Whatever time you can spare should be quite enough. And you can visit whenever you like.”

(Clarity smiles; he smiles back; then they disappear)

(Life, Peace, and Plenty are left on the hump; Death is still on the battlefield, doing his work)

Plenty: “I could do with two or three more sandwiches.”

(Peace laughs softly)

Peace: “Only two or three? Knowing you, I thought you'd need half a dozen at the very least.”

Plenty: “Two or three will do for now. Tomorrow is another day. I may be hungrier then.”

Peace: “That sounds more like the Plenty I know.”

Plenty: “Do you know where we could get those sandwiches?”

Peace: “We can either make them ourselves, or find a restaurant that serves them.”

Plenty: “Just point the way.”

(Peace and Plenty disappear)

Life: “I suppose I should go with them. Just to keep them out of trouble.”

(Life disappears)


	27. Chapter 27

(Hastur hears – like a whisper in his ear – the voice of one of the Counterparts, Clarity)

Clarity: “You really shouldn't let him keep doing this, Hastur.”

(Hastur whispers back)

Hastur: “Let who do what?”

Clarity: “You know what I mean. Like him, you've been denying it for far too long. Do the right thing. Talk about it out in the open.”

Hastur: “I can't.”

Clarity: “Of course you can. If Aziraphale and Crowley can, why can't you?”

Hastur: “Damn you!”

Clarity: “Is that the best you can do? Look – I can't project here much longer. The other three Counterparts and I are in Hell. Either do what's right or let Gabriel do his worst. The choice is yours, Hastur.”

(suddenly her presence is gone)

Hastur: “Damn and blast her!”

(he realizes too late that he said it out loud, instead of in a whisper; Gabriel turns to look at him)

Gabriel: “Is there a problem, Hastur?”

(Hastur looks like a dog with its tail caught in a trap; Damned if I do, damned if I don't, he thinks; I certainly can't make it any worse – or at least I hope not; he takes a deep breath, lets it out)

Hastur: “I can't take this charade anymore, Gabriel. I've had enough of it.”

(Gabriel looks puzzled)

Gabriel: “Excuse me? What charade?”

(Hastur gets to his feet, his forked tail twitching)

Hastur: “This one! This trial! It's all just a cover-up! Like a hell hound trying to cover up a mess on Satan's Throne!”

(Gabriel tries to laugh it off)

Gabriel: “Hastur – calm down. This trial is serious. A rule has been broken. An important rule.”

Hastur: “If Aziraphale and Crowley have broken it, then so have you and I.”

(Gabriel's eyes widen; this is not what he wants to hear, and certainly not what he wants anyone else at the trial to hear; the demons and devils give each other shocked looks, as do the angels; Aziraphale and Crowley glance at each other; those sitting in the pew are equally surprised)

Gabriel: Hastur –”

Hastur: “I've had enough of your threats. I'm already damned for all Eternity. What's the worst you can do to me that Satan hasn't done already?”

Satan: “I've certainly tried, but – he's been a difficult customer. It took even longer than it did with Nergal.”

Hastur: “You stay out of this!”

(Satan stares at him, his horns almost bursting into flames)

Satan: “You dare give me orders, Duke of Hell?”

Hastur: “We're not in Hell right now, so – yes, I do!”

(Satan gets to his feet, his forked tail twitching)

Metatron: “Hastur – you are making charges against the archangel. If these prove to be baseless charges –”

Hastur: “They aren't. I just didn't think that Gabriel would go to such lengths to hide what's really going on. And in plain sight.”

Gabriel: “This is ridiculous. I've done nothing of the kind.”

Hastur: “Haven't you? Not just for centuries, but for thousands of years?”

Crowley: “Like a child with its hand caught in the cookie jar, or a Winnie-the-Pooh with his paw caught in a honey pot.”

Aziraphale: “Are you thinking what I'm thinking?”

(Crowley nods)

Gabriel: “Hastur – I realize that being in Hell makes it difficult for you to differentiate the truth from lies, but –”

Hastur: “If you want me to keep lying about us, you'd better give me a damn good reason for doing so.”

(Satan looks at Hastur, and then at Gabriel)

Satan: “Did I hear you correctly? 'Us'?”

Hastur: “You did, Lord Satan.”

Satan: “Us – as in – you and Gabriel?”

(Hastur nods; Satan tries not to burst out laughing)

Satan: “Oh, this is priceless! I can't wait to tell Beelzebub about it.”

Metatron: “So this trial against Aziraphale and Crowley –”

Hastur: “Hasn't got a leg to stand on. Or even two to stand on.”

Metatron: “Gabriel? Is this true?”

(Gabriel tries for one last time to prevent what's going to happen next, but gives up; he hangs his head and nods)

Gabriel: “All too true, sir. I let my anger about Armageddon being avoided get the best of me. I wanted vengeance against the two beings –”

Adam: “It wasn't just them! I was also involved!”

Oreia: “You were?”

(Adam nods)

(Gabriel looks up and makes a face at Adam)

Gabriel: “Two of the three beings involved.”

Metatron: “And you nearly succeeded. What do you have to say for yourself, archangel? Or would you rather explain it to your fellow angels in Heaven?”

Gabriel: “Best that I do it here.”

Metatron: “Agreed. Please do so.”

(Gabriel turns to face as many of those present as possible)

Gabriel: “Adam – Oreia – Anathema – Newt – Agnes – Aziraphale – and Crowley. I sincerely apologize. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you all – just ask and I'll do whatever I can. To the angels and demons and devils who who would've been the jury in this trial, you're free to leave as soon as you like.”

Satan: “And to the Metatron and myself?”

Gabriel: “My humblest apologies. Perhaps it would've been better had I spent as much time around humans as Aziraphale and Crowley have. Perhaps I wouldn't have let my anger cloud my thinking. Perhaps this trial would never have happened.”

(Satan looks at the Metatron)

Satan: “You know – I could always use a liaison between your realm and mine. If you're willing to release him for such duties. I think he would do quite well.”

Metatron: “Under one condition – the same must be true for Hastur.”

(Satan nods)

Satan: “I think we have an agreement. Let's shake on it.” (he holds out one hand)

Metatron: “You do realize that I cannot shake hands with anyone?”

Satan: “You also lack a sense of humor.”

Metatron: “I have never had any need for one.”

Satan: “Does that mean that you and I are also free to leave?”

(the Metatron sighs and nods; Satan rubs his hands together)

Satan: “Excellent. I have some unfinished business to take care of in Hell.”

(Satan disappears; the demons and devils also disappear)

Metatron: “I suppose that's that. Time we also left, angels.”

(the Metatron and the angels disappear; the bleachers and the Judges' seat disappear; Aziraphale and Crowley stand up; Crowley pats the desk; the desk and their chairs disappear; Gabriel and Hastur's desk and chairs disappear; only the pew remains)

Aziraphale: “At least we avoided the worst yet again.”

Crowley: “For now, anyway.”

(he stretches)

Crowley: “I could go for some lunch. How about it, angel?”

Aziraphale: “There's a nice restaurant in Glastonbury. They'd probably appreciate having more business. It did seem rather empty in there this morning.”

Crowley: “Anyone care to join us?”

(Anathema, Newt, Agnes, Adam, and Oreia nod)

Crowley: “What about you two?”

(Gabriel and Hastur look at each other; they hold hands and smile)

Gabriel: “Maybe some other time.”

Hastur: “Speaking of which – do I have to keep this face on? I really do prefer my real face.”

Gabriel: “No. And I also prefer the real thing.”

(Hastur sighs with relief)

Hastur: “All those centuries I had to hide behind this disguise. Not anymore.”

(Hastur sweeps a hand down across his face, from forehead to chin; the scars disappear; the dark eyes without pupils are now light green with pupils; his face is now almost as beautiful as the one on Michelangelo's David sculpture)

Hastur: “I hope Lucifer doesn't mind. He was the one who insisted I disguise myself.”

Gabriel: “He was just jealous. He didn't want to see anyone as beautiful as himself.”

Hastur: “And you're not?”

(Gabriel smiles and shakes his head)

Gabriel: “Never. I love you just the way you are.”

Hastur: “Time to leave?”

Gabriel: “If no one else minds?”

(everyone else shakes their heads)

Aziraphale: “You're both welcome to visit my bookshop anytime you like.”

Gabriel: “Not immediately, but someday. Until then –”

(Gabriel and Hastur disappear)

Newt: “It's like a dinner party when the evening's over and the guests start heading home.”

Anathema: “That's not a bad idea. Maybe we should have one and invite our friends – old and new – to it. I think there's enough room in my living room.”

Aziraphale: “There is now.”

(Anathema looks at him with misgiving)

Anathema: “You didn't.”

Aziraphale: “Only a slight alteration. Your front yard will be smaller, but I didn't think you'd mind.”

(Anathema sighs, smiles, and shakes her head)

Anathema: “Not really. Thank you.”

Aziraphale: “You are most welcome.”

Anathema: “But next time – please ask first.”

(Aziraphale nods)

Aziraphale: “I shall do so.”

(they hike down the hill to the car park; once in their respective cars, they head for Glastonbury; the waitress at the restaurant seems pleased to see them)

Waitress: “Enjoyed your visit to Glastonbury?”

Aziraphale: “Indeed we have.”

(the waitress hands them their menus)

Waitress: “It's a bit late for lunch, but I don't think the cook will mind. How about some coffee and tea while you decide what to order?”

Aziraphale: “That would be quite nice. Thank you.”

Waitress: “Good time of the year to visit. Except for those rainstorms.” (she looks outside) “Well, I never. It's a sunny day. What strange weather we've had today.” (she shakes her head in disbelief) “I'll go get your coffee and tea, then.”

Newt: “I keep expecting to see Death here, in his motorbike gear. I suppose it's better if we don't?”

Crowley: “He's probably busy elsewhere. After all, he can't be everywhere at once.”

(Adam helps Oreia make her choice; the food choices are entirely alien compared to what she's used to eating in Hell; Anathema and Newt decide to share a dish that seems big enough for two)

Aziraphale: “No sushi here. I guess we'll have to find something comparable.”

Crowley: “And no crepes. That's probably only for breakfast.”

Aziraphale: “Besides, I still think the best ones are made in Paris.”

Crowley: “I wouldn't mind going to Paris. I just don't want to go there alone.”

Aziraphale: “What about tomorrow? I'll close the bookshop and we can take the Chunnel to France and then drive to Paris.”

Crowley: “Sounds good to me.”

(the meal is pleasant, the conversation equally so; after the formal structure of the trial on top of the Tor, it's nice to have a looser kind of structure here in the restaurant; the meal could easily have been stretched another hour or two, but Adam realizes that it really can't; he's been away from home for long enough)

Adam: “I suppose it's time for us to leave as well. My parents are probably really worried, and Dog probably misses me. I hope he hasn't torn anything up in the meantime.”

(he turns to Oreia)

Adam: “Do you still want to go to your home in Hell? I think you'd like it better at my family's home in Lower Tadbury. Except we don't have an extra bedroom.”

Crowley: “You do now.”

Adam: “Thanks, Crowley.”

(Crowley nods)

Oreia: “I think – I think it would be polite to first introduce me to your parents, Adam.”

Adam: “Does that mean –?”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “I'm staying on Earth. At least, for the foreseeable future.”

Adam: “You'll like it here. I really think you will.”

Oreia: “I'm sure I will. But, first, how do we go to your house?”

Anathema: “We could drop you off on the way back to London.”

(Adam and Oreia nod agreement; they get in the Mini with Anathema; Newt gets in his car with Agnes and her bread box)

Crowley: “You could go with me, angel. If you can tolerate my driving, that is.”

Aziraphale: “Just keep the speed under 100, please.”

Crowley: “Do what I can.”

(the group walks from the restaurant to where the cars are parked; each person gets into their respective car; they drive away from the Tor, heading first to Lower Tadbury, and then to London; Adam and Oreia are dropped off; Adam's parents come out of the house when they hear the cars' arrival)

Adam's Mum: “I told you he was just fine, dear.”

Adam's dad: “Adam? Would you care to explain where you've been and what you've been up to?”

Adam: “I'm not sure you'd believe me, Dad.”

Adam's dad: “Maybe not. And who is this young lady?”

Adam: “This is Oreia. I told you about her on the phone when I called from the bookshop in London.”

Adam's dad: “Ah yes. She and her parents immigrated to England from Greece.”

(Oreia nods)

Oreia: “It's quite nice here. Though I wouldn't mind visiting Greece someday. I could show you around, Adam.”

Adam: “I'd like that.”

Adam's Mum: “Why don't you both come inside then? I'll make us all a pot of tea and we can get better acquainted with Oreia.”

(they go inside the house; the three cars depart; on the roadway during the journey back to London, a highway police office spots the Bentley; he could've sworn it was the same one he saw speeding toward Glastonbury that morning, but the license plate is different; just to be safe, he takes a snapshot of it; once the three cars are out of sight of the highway police officer, the Bentley's license plate changes again; now it reads: YRUCREM F)

Aziraphale: “What a day it's been.”

(Crowley nods)

Aziraphale: “Oh, I just remembered! The Mini! We need to return it to its owner.”

(Crowley sighs)

Crowley: “If we must, we must.”

(the three cars make their way to the foot-bridge; this time the Mini's owner isn't about to jump off of it; in fact, he's sitting down on the wall at its top, contently holding onto a rod and reel, humming to himself; Anathema gets out of the Mini and come over to the Bentley and Newt's car; the Mini's owner sees the group, and then sees Crowley and the Mini)

Mini's owner: “You've brought it back! And it looks even better now.”

(Crowley hands the car keys to the Mini's owner)

Crowley: “Sorry for the delay in returning it.”

Mini's owner: “Quite alright. That drink at the bar did help.”

Crowley: “I thought it might. Never hurts to re-think a decision. How's the fishing been?”

Mini's owner: “Not a bite all day.”

Crowley: “Not even one?”

(the Mini's owner shakes his head)

Crowley: “How odd. Well, good luck!”

(Crowley turns to leave to return to the other two cars; as he does so, the rod and reel start bucking, as if something were pulling at it; the Mini's owner manages to reel in a twenty-pound fish; he looks in wonder at the departing Crowley)

Mini's owner: “He couldn't have – or could he?”

(Anathema gets into Newt's car; Crowley gets back in the Bentley)

Crowley: “Allons-y!”

Aziraphale: “Not too fast this time?”

Crowley: “But you said –”

Aziraphale: “That was on the roadway. We're back in London now.”

Crowley: “So we are, so we are. All right. I'll drive more slowly.”

Aziraphale: “Promise?”

(Crowley nods)

Crowley: “I promise.”

(the two cars park near the back door of the bookshop; Aziraphale unlocks the back door and the four humans and one bread box enter the bookshop; Aziraphale inhales and smiles)

Aziraphale: “Home sweet home. There's nothing like the smell of a bookshop.”

Crowley: “Do you think Adam's made any further changes to it?”

Aziraphale: “I hope not. But if he has – maybe I can donate his additions and replace them with something more to my liking.”

Anathema: “I wonder if his parents will approve of Oreia.”

Newt: “They certainly seemed to like her already, so I don't see why they wouldn't.”

Anathema: “But what if they find out that she's really a succubus?”

Agnes: “I think they'll do just fine. 'A certain lad in a village and a lass from far away find happiness together. In the years to come, the lass will become a fine addition to the family.' ”

Aziraphale: “You mean they'll get married one day?”

(Agnes smiles)

Agnes: “Perhaps.”

Aziraphale: “I wish them all the best, then. In the meantime, since things turned out so well today, why don't we celebrate? I believe I still have most of the rest of a case of 1921 Chateauneuf du Pape.”

Crowley: “A marriage of true equals.”

(Aziraphale glances at him, startled)

Aziraphale: “Were you implying –?”

Crowley: “And if I was? Would you be opposed to it?”

(Aziraphale feels flustered, but in a good way)

Aziraphale: “Well, I – ah – hadn't really thought that far. It was possible that the trial would not end in our favor. So I tried not to think of any possible future activities. And then when the trial turned out the way it did, I was left with two thoughts: One was to return to my bookshop.”

Crowley: “What was the other one?”

Aziraphale: “Finding a shop that sold tuxedos. If you were amenable.”

Crowley: “And I am.”

(Aziraphale smiles)

Aziraphale: “Excellent. An entirely white tuxedo for me.”

Crowley: “And an entirely black one for me.”

Agnes: “But you'll still need someone to perform the wedding ceremony. A priest or the like.”

Aziraphale: “Isn't that rush things a bit? We haven't quite gone through all the steps yet. (he looks right at Crowley and smiles) “We're missing at least one, I think.”

(Crowley kneels in front of Aziraphale, takes a small velvet-covered jewelry box out of one of his jacket pockets; he opens the lid and shows what's inside to Aziraphale)

Crowley: “I've waited six thousand years to ask you this: Will you marry me, angel?”

(Aziraphale gives him a big smile)

Aziraphale: “Of course I will. And will you marry me?”

Crowley: “Definitely.”

(Crowley stands up; Aziraphale holds out his right hand, and Crowley slides the ring onto Aziraphale's ring-finger; Aziraphale looks at the ring)

Aziraphale: “It's beautiful, Crowley.”

Crowley: “And so are you.”

(they hug, hesitate a moment, and then kiss; Anathema and Newt happily clap)

Aziraphale: “Oh, dear. I think I'm going to cry.”

Crowley: “Nothing wrong with crying. Just don't expect me to.”

(Aziraphale laughs softly)

Aziraphale: “Don't ever change, Crowley.”

Crowley: “I don't plan to. Even after we're married.”

Aziraphale: “Speaking of which: When would you like to get married?”

Crowley: “As soon as you like. But, as Agnes said, we'll need to find a priest first.”

Agnes: “I think I know where one could be found. 'A priest who cares not whether he marries a man and a woman, or two women, or two men. Such may not exist in my day, but they do today. Find him at a small church not far from a bookshop.' ”

Newt: “I know which church that is. We passed by it on our way back here.”

Aziraphale: “Tomorrow would be soon enough?”

(Crowley nods)

Aziraphale: “Because I have the feeling I'm going to be too giddy and drunk tonight.”

(singing happily, Aziraphale goes to get a bottle of 1921 Chateauneuf du Pape)

(Newt looks at Anathema, standing next to him; she looks enviously at Crowley and Aziraphale; he can almost guess what's going through her mind; he tries to imagine her later this year, when her abdomen will be much larger, with the baby growing inside her; when her back will be sore from trying to support the extra weight whenever she walks somewhere)

Newt: “Anathema –?”

(Anathema turns to look at him)

Newt: “I don't have a ring.”

(Anathema looks momentarily puzzled)

Anathema: “Why would you need one?”

Newt: “Isn't it traditional?”

(Anathema suddenly understands)

Newt: “That is – if you're interested?”

Anathema: “In a ring?”

Newt: “In getting married.”

Anathema: “Well, I – I don't know – I hadn't really – thought that far yet –”

(Crowley, who has been watching and listening, whistles to himself and suddenly is tossing another jewelry box into the air and catching it again; he tosses it to Newt)

Crowley: “Catch!”

(Newt catches it)

Newt: “Oh, I couldn't.”

Crowley: “Don't worry. A certain jewelry shop won't mind two missing rings. Not when they find in their place enough money to pay for them.”

(Newt isn't sure how to adequately thank Crowley; Crowley makes a face)

Crowley: “Well? If I can do it, so can you. I'd do it now. Unless you want to wait six thousand years like I did?”

(Newt shakes his head)

Newt: “I won't be alive in six thousand years.”

(Newt turns to Anathema and kneels in front of her, opens the jewelry box)

Newt: “Anathema? Will you marry me?”

(Anathema gives him the warmest smile Newt has ever seen on her face; she nods)

Anathema: “Of course I will.”

(Newt stands up and slides the ring onto her right ring-finger; she stretches out her hand to look at it, then smiles at him; they hug and kiss; Crowley claps; Aziraphale also claps – after putting the wine bottle down – and then picks up the wine bottle again)

Aziraphale: “How wonderful! Two couples engaged to be married. Could someone get four wine glasses from the kitchen?”

Anathema: “I will.” (she goes into the kitchen; finds four wine glasses; and returns with them)

(Aziraphale fills each wine glass halfway)

Aziraphale: “This does seem to be a moment worth celebrating. Does anyone have anything or anyone they would like to toast?”

(Anathema and Newt smile at each other)

Anathema: “To love. May it continue being blind, may it continue bringing happiness to all lovers, may it continue to exist for the rest of Eternity.”

The rest: “Hear hear! To love!”

(wineglasses tinkle as their sides are gently bumped into each other; there's a sudden knocking on the bookshop's front door)

Aziraphale: “I wonder who that could be?”

Agnes: “I could tell you.”

Aziraphale: “No need. I'll just go and see who it is. Be right back.”

(Aziraphale goes to the front door and opens it just enough to see who's there; he sees a person in black helmet, blacket leather jacket, black gloves, black pants, and black boots; it's Death)

Aziraphale: “Ah, hullo. I didn't expect to see you so soon.”

Death: “Greetings, Aziraphale. I've brought something that was left on top of the Tor.”

Aziraphale: “Oh?”

(Death gives Agnes Nutter's pamphlet to Aziraphale)

Aziraphale: “My thanks for delivering it. I'll be sure to give it to its owner.”

(Death turns around, walks back to his black motorhike, climbs aboard it, starts the engine, lets it roar once or twice, and then rides away)

Crowley: “Who was it, angel?”

Aziraphale: “Oh – just an old friend.”

(Aziraphale watches as Death rides his motorbike down the street, turns right around a corner, and disappears from sight; Aziraphale returns to the table where the others are waiting; Aziraphale hands the pamphlet to Anathema)

Aziraphale: “Apparently you left this behind on the Tor.”

(Anathema sighs heavily)

Anathema: “I'm never going to be rid of this thing.”

Newt: “You could always set fire to it.”

(Agnes looks horrified by the suggestion)

Agnes: “Absolutely not! I've spent over three hundred years protecting it inside the bread box. Don't waste my efforts.”

Anathema: “Your guidance has been useful, Agnes. Usually. But maybe it's best if we went through the rest of our lives in the normal way. One day at a time.”

(Anathema places a corner of the pamphlet near the flame of the solitary candle in the middle of the table; she hesitates)

Anathema: “Or maybe not.”

(Agnes looks relieved)

Agnes: “Thank goodness you came to your senses just in time.”

(Anathema makes a face at her)

Anathema: “Do shut up, Agnes. Sometimes, I really wonder – oh never mind.”

(Anathema sets fire to the pamphlet; while it's burning, she stands up and goes to the kitchen, and drops the burning pamphlet in the sink; when the pamphlet is almost consumed by the flames, she turns the water tap and pours water on the burning pamphlet)

Anathema: “After all, Newt are going to have our hands full anyway once our baby is born. Raising a child isn't exactly a walk in the park. Especially when that child is half-witch and half-witch-finder. Should prove to be an interesting time for all three of us.”

(Anathema washes the burnt remains down the sink's drain and returns to the table)

Anathema: “Well, that's that. We're on our own, Newt. And I think I really prefer it that way.”

Newt: “Are we still calling the baby 'Joshua'?”

(Anthema looks at Agnes)

Anathema: “Are we?”

(Agnes smiles)

Agnes: “It's easily possible that I lied. That your baby isn't a boy and won't be named 'Joshua'. Your baby could be a girl and named 'Bathsheba' instead.”

Aziraphale: “But you don't usually lie, Agnes. Your prophecies are proof of that.”

Agnes: “True. There's a first time for everyone, though.”

Crowley: “And would this be one of those times, Agnes?”

(Agnes smiles again)

Agnes: “Maybe.”


	28. Chapter 28

(Adam and Oreia are sitting on a bench seat in the back yard; Dog is lying down nearby, happy that Adam is back home again; a gentle wind is blowing through the branches of the trees along the fence that divides this yard from the one next door)

Adam: “You could still go back to Hell. Things seem to be much better there than they were yesterday. At least once the repairs and reforestation are complete. It might even look like it did when you first came to Hell. Back when it was still the Elysian Fields.”

(Oreia considers it, then shakes her head)

Oreia: “But you wouldn't be there, Adam.”

Adam: “I'm afraid not. I still have to finish my final four years of grade school and then go on to university.”

Oreia: “Does any of that include me?”

Adam: “Maybe not during the day, but there are evenings (after homework is completed) and weekends. I can't drive yet – but I do have a bicycle.”

(Oreia smiles at him)

Oreia: “Do you think you could teach me how to ride on one?”

(Adam nods)

Adam: “Definitely. And then we could ride wherever we wanted to. There's so much to show you in Lower Tadbury.”

Oreia: “I think I'm going to like living here on Earth. One question, though: When do humans usually reach adulthood?”

(Adam looks slightly puzzled)

Adam: “Why do you ask?”

Oreia: “Oh, just curious.”

Adam: “About another four years, I think. When I turn 18.”

Oreia: “I think I can wait that long.”

Adam: “For what?”

(Oreia smiles)

Oreia: “You'll see.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of the story.
> 
> Now I get to go back to Chapter 1 and start the editing/fixing/rewriting process. But I'm glad that I managed to finish a long story finally, instead of abandoning it, like I've done far too many times over the years.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading it all the way through.

Agnes: “And so we find ourselves here at the end of another volume. Armageddon averted in the first volume. An unfair trial ended with charges dismissed in this volume. Two marriages in the near future, and a baby to be born before the year is done. My book is gone, as is my pamphlet. Burned to ashes. All that effort for naught. But it's possible that my descendant, one Anathema Device, soon to be Anathema Pulsifer, may find herself compelled to do as I did. Once a witch, always a witch, as I always say. That is, if motherhood will allow her much in the way of free time. She might find herself distracted by her baby boy and his father. But, rest assured, the next volume of this story – like life itself – will continue onward and upward. In the meantime, find a good book to read. Pull up a chair and relax in it. A fire burns in the fireplace, warming you nicely. A kitten curls and sleeps in your lap. The snow falls outside. The wind blows against the windows. It's a nice night for reading. When it's time for bed, sleep well. And when tomorrow comes, it will be filled with new memories, like an empty wine glass is filled with wine. Drink deep, my friend. Before I go, one more thing: A wish from me. May all your dreams come true. Cheers!

THE END


End file.
